How to deal with being alone - permanently?

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dddhgg
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16 Dec 2009, 6:57 pm

Hello all,

as regards disabilities, I've probably hit a jackpot of some sort. :wink: I have cerebral palsy (my voice is crap), bad vision, and (very likely) Asperger's. This, in addition to not being the most handsome person on the planet (mildly put) and being an Asian in a predominantly white country, probably reduces my chances of ever finding a significant other to practically nil. Statistically the odds are just too much against me. Especially because I lead a rather isolated, quiet sort of life, with few women around. Of course, miracles do occur, but that's beside the point, as you are not entitled to count on them. Intellectually, I've accepted all this. Relationships are often a pain in the behind, and staying alone forever has its perks. ("How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot.") But emotionally I have a very hard time dealing with it. The head wants order, discipline, solitude, utter devotion to the life of the mind, but the heart is set on obtaining quite different things. And it almost seems as if the harder I work on the former, the more the latter is really in my every thought.

How would you deal with this sort of thing? I know that in order to achieve true peace of mind I will have to effect a change in my entire mentality. But I don't have a clue how.

Any help would be thoroughly appreciated. I'd also be interested to hear from people who have decided or have been forced to stay alone forever, and how they've adapted to it in the end. Bless you all!



HopeGrows
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16 Dec 2009, 7:33 pm

OP, I don't think you necessarily have to resign yourself to being alone. Dan Savage addressed issues similar to yours in a recent column. Give it a look:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Sava ... oid=583177



FaithHopeCheese
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16 Dec 2009, 7:59 pm

dddhgg wrote:
The head wants order, discipline, solitude, utter devotion to the life of the mind, but the heart is set on obtaining quite different things. And it almost seems as if the harder I work on the former, the more the latter is really in my every thought.



I don't think there is really an answer to that, because the only one's I can come up with are logical and you are already aware of all of those. I find that in the lonliest times of my life, I am more creative than when I am in a relationship. Something about the unfulfilled desires makes me so much more of a romantic, in the literary sense. I guess all you can do is find an outlet for the pain - 'Put it on paper' so to speak. I think that's where I always go wrong- instead of just using it as a tool for creativity I'll work on my 'look' and other pointless endeavors. I am in an on/off relationship which as of today, is off again, and I'm trying to let it go but I have no idea what I am supposed to do now. I don't want to be alone, but I'm starting to wonder whether I can handle the highs and lows of a relationship anymore. When I am in a relationship I am consumed by the imperfection of it, but when I am single I feel lost. Either way, I'm not happy so I guess I just have to accept it, but like I said, I don't know how that is accomplished.

edit: another article http://www.philosophicalsociety.com/Arc ... liness.htmWeb Page Name



Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 22 Dec 2009, 1:35 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Seanmw
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16 Dec 2009, 9:22 pm

A war of head & heart.
the body plays it's part.
the head directs,
the heart rejects,
Both opposed from the start.

Cool, you just inspired me to write that
syllable per line counts:
6
6
4
4
6


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Last edited by Seanmw on 17 Dec 2009, 4:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

lotusblossom
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17 Dec 2009, 3:07 am

I think to achieve happiness for an aspie who has decided to remain alone, the key thing is to invest more time and energy into special interests, they are our main sure fire way of getting meaning and pleasure from life.

Next to that I would try to find some core friends who you can do activities with that you would like to do with a partner so you dont miss out on doing those. For example arrange to meet up once a month to look round a gallery or go to the cinema.

If you can you might like to get a dog as they are full of love and affection and I found when I had a dog I did not need human company as I was overwhelmed by his demands for attention and cuddleing.

As for the sex part, invest in some sex toys or sexy books to make sure you enjoy 'sex for one' as much as possible.

I think as well if your needs are fullfilled and you are happy you will be more likely to seem attractive to potential partners.



Tim_Tex
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17 Dec 2009, 4:49 am

Why do you think you will be alone permanently?


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shirochan
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17 Dec 2009, 9:34 am

The only way I've forgotten about being alone was to find another obsession.



Vyn
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17 Dec 2009, 10:01 am

Hmm, you sound very similar to me in regards to the entire mind vs. heart thing I mean. After spending about 16 years of my life trying to separate, or more accurately, eliminate my heart and live within my mind I've come to realize it's impossible. You have to integrate the two, as difficult as it may be. However, it doesn't mean you need to go out and find an SO. You can just get the two to work together. I get my social interaction while gaming using ventrilo, and it works well because gaming is also one of my big interests. I too have a desire for an SO, but I'm able to get along without one without too much difficulty.


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dddhgg
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17 Dec 2009, 2:41 pm

Many thanks for all the kind and thoughtful replies! You're all quite helpful.

@HopeGrows: Yes, you're absolutely right; CP in itself doesn't exclude the possibility of finding love and romance. It's more that the combination of CP and AS (which I think is rare) will probably make it a few orders of magnitude more difficult than it already would be without the AS. And there's always this point somewhere on the scale of small probabilities where it cannot be justified anymore (intellectually or emotionally) to just wait for a miracle to happen.

@FaithHopeCheese: Yes, I do find much consolation in creative activity, especially poetry and music. It's just that one cannot be creative all the time, and the fall from artistic bliss to one's ordinary not-very-happy life is only the deeper for it. Thanks for the article, BTW. I loved it. I'm always happy to find some philosophical perspective on my own fears and sorrows. All the best, my friend; I hope your relationship (present or future) will eventually work out.

@seanmw: Ah, a fellow poet! I'm perfectly pleased to have provided you the possibility to put to paper my predicament in such a pretty and powerful piece of poetry. :D

@lotusblossom: Your advice seems quite sensible to me. I'll consider it seriously. The dog is already in place, so to say. She's really sweet and makes me forget my lack of human companionship most of the time; so yes, you're right about that I suppose. But sometimes, like yesterday, my situation just becomes absolutely clear to me and hits me in the face with full intensity. Then even my sweetypie, with all her canine emotional intuition, cannot fathom the depth of my despair.

@Tim_Tex: See my reply to HopeGrows. I just think that my particular situation just about makes it impossible to find a SO.

@shirochan: Could you be so kind as to let us know what this obsession of yours was? See also my comment on FaithHopeCheese's message. It's very hard I think to be obsessed all of the time, and when the lustre of that one thing you've devoted your life to has worn off a bit, then there's only an even deeper abyss. Of course, a human being can't always expect to be happy, but sometimes I very clearly remember that I probably won't ever be in a relationship, and it hurts like crazy.

@Vyn: Thanks very much for sharing your experience. I'll try, as hard as it may seem, like you said. There's not much of a choice, is there? It's either that or going bonkers, especially in the long term.



shirochan
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17 Dec 2009, 10:46 pm

Quote:

@shirochan: Could you be so kind as to let us know what this obsession of yours was? See also my comment on FaithHopeCheese's message. It's very hard I think to be obsessed all of the time, and when the lustre of that one thing you've devoted your life to has worn off a bit, then there's only an even deeper abyss. Of course, a human being can't always expect to be happy, but sometimes I very clearly remember that I probably won't ever be in a relationship, and it hurts like crazy.


Well, I like MMORPGs like World of Warcraft, Second Life and I tried Flyff once. I do recommend World of Warcraft. It has high quality graphics and a huge world to space out to. I recommend something like a role-playing server. Being someone else for awhile is highly addicting. It really can make you forget about everything else. It has a $15/mo fee to play plus cost of games. If that's too expensive, well, maybe you can find a free MMO somewhere. Or maybe another type of game that suits your fancy.



dddhgg
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18 Dec 2009, 10:43 am

shirochan wrote:
Well, I like MMORPGs like World of Warcraft, Second Life and I tried Flyff once. I do recommend World of Warcraft. It has high quality graphics and a huge world to space out to. I recommend something like a role-playing server. Being someone else for awhile is highly addicting. It really can make you forget about everything else. It has a $15/mo fee to play plus cost of games. If that's too expensive, well, maybe you can find a free MMO somewhere. Or maybe another type of game that suits your fancy.


Sounds like fun. Will definitely look into it. I used to be a bit weary about RPGs, for fear of losing myself completely. But then again, that wouldn't be all that bad, given my situation. Some time ago, I was quite into online chess, big time. Now, I'm thinking of picking that up again too. Thanks mate, for giving me some good ideas!



AnnV
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18 Dec 2009, 10:52 pm

I used to be a landlord. There was this really ugly, small, odd studio that was probably not permitted either. I would run ads that said, "Small, dark, smelly cave with no view" and would get TONS of responses. It always rented the first day I showed the place.

My point is, try using a similar tactic and see what results come from it.

They say that water seeks its own level. I know I find nerds extremely sexy. There's a crass saying in real estate, "There's an ass for every toilet seat." I'm not saying you're an ass or a toilet seat, but I am saying there is someone for everyone out there.

Be tenacious :) and good luck to you :)



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19 Dec 2009, 12:50 am

If you choose to be single, there are many advantages.
You will never compromise your self or your identity to accommodate someone
else. You will be able to revel in all the idiosyncrasies and eccentricities that
make you unique. Your self hood will be able to develop unconstrained and your
decisions will be free from the constraints of someone else.
You may also expect to have more free time and energy free to devote to any
endeavour. What ever you devote your time to will have the advantage of your
full potential.
You can make a life alone into the ultimate indulgence.



dddhgg
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19 Dec 2009, 8:15 am

AnnV wrote:
I used to be a landlord. There was this really ugly, small, odd studio that was probably not permitted either. I would run ads that said, "Small, dark, smelly cave with no view" and would get TONS of responses. It always rented the first day I showed the place.

My point is, try using a similar tactic and see what results come from it.

They say that water seeks its own level. I know I find nerds extremely sexy. There's a crass saying in real estate, "There's an ass for every toilet seat." I'm not saying you're an ass or a toilet seat, but I am saying there is someone for everyone out there.

Be tenacious :) and good luck to you :)


Thanks for your advice, but I really can't see this working. As for the studio, they probably all thought it was dirt cheap. People, however, can't be rented (except hookers maybe). I simply can't imagine my dating ad going like this: "Small, dark, smelly, Asian spaz with Asperger's Syndrome looking for the woman of a lifetime", while still receiving responses that don't contain verbal abuse. Women like to see at least some self-respect in a man, don't they?

As for there being someone for anyone, I don't know if it's true. I guess it depends on your definitions. But suppose it is, the crowd I should be looking for is still gonna be incredibly small. What are the odds of ever running into one of these people?



Holinyx
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19 Dec 2009, 1:29 pm

heh well since you're asian, i'd say in the Ad that you're a 8th degree akido black belt ninja and you just got finished saving a bunch of orphans from a burning building when you were struck down with cerebral palsy. though i have to say i know next to nothing about CP so i'm not sure if you were born with it or not, but anyway, it'd make for a cool ad, lol.

It would not surprise me if there were at least 50 CP dating sites on the web, hell, theres dating sites for everything else, even "little people" they don't like being called midgets :) but you see my point.

hope this helps



ptrckfrazier
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19 Dec 2009, 2:16 pm

youy siaid midgets!