Does your family intimidate/bully you because you have AS?

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trojan51
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26 Dec 2009, 3:35 am

they make fun of me somewhat but its not too bad, like i know theres a ton of people on here who have it worse than i do



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26 Dec 2009, 3:39 am

That has never happened with me.


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millie
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26 Dec 2009, 4:30 am

No. Not at all.
My sister came and visited last week from Sydney and we spoke about my dx and my eccentric life and ways. She was so supportive and gave me such insight into how over the years, she was mystified by my incredible lack of empathy at times, and yet my deep care of others in other ways.

I am VERY lucky with some of my family. Most I do not talk to..but I think that is because I cannot cope with all the dynamic exchanges in such a big family of 12 people.

My mum gets worn out by my monologuing phonecalls about AS at present. But we have an agreement and that is that she can tell me clearly and directly when enough is enough.

My other sister is great too.
I am eccentric and supported by them. I have no contact with my dad and a few others.



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26 Dec 2009, 5:36 am

hey millie :D
hows the fruit salad 8)


I would say yes. my family are ex-military kind of people, so they have some AS traits themselves, but not to the extent I do.
I relate to alana, about the aspie naivete and being lulled into a false sense of security by accepting others ideas as totally right (and therefore me as a failure if I do things differently).
They're conservative and in some ways do not seem to trust me. For example my Dad is funny about his computer. I am 32 but if I wanted to use the computer or check my email I would have to ask him and then he would only say yes if I had been really nice all day.

They are used to issuing 'directives' and used to make me listen to lectures about how I ought to be living my life. We'd have huge arguments, or I would just cry. Eventually I have realised that I don't need them, even though they seem to think I do, and their ideas are THEIR ideas.

At the present time I have taken time out from them, because even if they do accept my eccentricities they laugh at me, find me ridiculous or criticise my sometimes extreme thinking (which often works for me if I am left alone to follow my plan of action).
I don't hate them at all, I just need to find my own way safely.
I have learnt I have to be extremely careful about who I talk to and what I tell them. My concepts of my own ideas, values, self-directives and passions can be extremely delicate; not in an over-valued way, just in a "I need to be vigilent' kind of way.

If worst comes to worst, I just withhold communication from them, grit my teeth, and prove them wrong :D


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26 Dec 2009, 6:57 am

my brother flew into the country on the 12th of December with his Fiancée and baby son for Christmas. i asked my older brother to leave (threw him out) last Monday afternoon (21st December) after an argument that started that morning.

the argument was about me not wanting to go to a catch up BBQ with his friend. the friend used to also be my friend until we had a shared birthday celebration around 18 months ago. i was made very uncomfortable by said friend and his friends. i will not elaborate though i will say that i do not like being the butt of jokes (there is a limit to my good humour) and i do not like my generosity or admittedly naive good nature being abused... or coming to the harsh realisation that this friend has been taking advantage of me, and making me a joke for some time.

so, my brother called me a f****** ret*d because i did not want to attend the BBQ. i don't like being called a f****** ret*d. i was pretty vocal in my response, i exploded at him. once in the morning, and then later in the day when he returned from his planned day out. he came in as if he had done nothing wrong, and wondered why there was no warm greeting from me. he repeated that i was indeed a ret*d and when asked he said that "yes" it felt good to insult me, he was also good enough to raise my AS and social anxiety in a not so positive light (f****** mental issues). i was made even more upset by this.

i may have over-reacted but i think i was in my right to do so... maybe a little bit anyway. i am tired of the s**t that is served up to me. i am 29; i am not someone that can be bullied, i am not someone that can be the butt of jokes, and i am not someone whose good nature can be abused. admittedly, i am naive to the ways of the world and too idealistic for my own good... but it does not mean that i can be milked for it - for the fact that i am not overly competent in detection of less-than-honourable intentions and agendas, and it would seem that i lack the cunning intelligence to have agendas of my own.

dear reader, you may sense that this blow up was not all about what occurred that day, unfortunately for all present it was probably about 20 odd years worth of frustration due to bullying... bullying in the home and at school.

as a child i was treated as a servant, as a teenager i was a lackey to be picked on (spotty, gangly, clumsy youth that i was), as a younger (though established on my career path) adult it would seem that i was a ready source of money to support him while he finished his study... and indeed, in retrospect, that my generosity is a fantastic convenience because i have some difficulty in saying no and in not being able to ask for loans to be repaid (:wall:)

i was quite angry. i told him that when he insults me like this it is difficult to know what to feel when i have always gone out of my way to help him - even when i was getting a foothold for myself and just starting out. i told him to get f****** a number of times, called him a c**t goodness knows how many times, asked him how much mileage he intended to get out of the story of me blowing up (asked if he and his friends would get a good laugh), and also told him that all the open ended loans i had ever given to him were to be paid back.

as i said; i was angry, admittedly it was not the appropriate way to respond to the insult but the words are said. i feel bad/sorry for everyone else present... it was not directed at them. if i didn't explode at him i would not have ruined Christmas for my family... but then if i was not insulted this would not have happened.

*sigh.

i don't know what else to say.

:?


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26 Dec 2009, 8:42 am

@tektek:

I feel glad that you called your brother all those names.
That may sound childish, yet even if later you decide that he isn't a c**t, it's still good to speak truth in the moment, I reckon.

From what I know of your posts, you're very intelligent and perhaps your brother and (his) friends are not as intelligent. Hope i'm not out of order :oops: All I mean by that is that it might be a point of social difference, I don't mean that anyone is better or worse than anyone else.
And, I'm sure you didn't ruin Christmas. *sends computer hugs *

A time of change is sometimes a time of vulnerability - I'm saying that because I think it is true for me this year; I needed a rest. On another planet 8)


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tektek
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26 Dec 2009, 9:55 am

mysassyself wrote:
@tektek:

I feel glad that you called your brother all those names.
That may sound childish, yet even if later you decide that he isn't a c**t, it's still good to speak truth in the moment, I reckon.

From what I know of your posts, you're very intelligent and perhaps your brother and (his) friends are not as intelligent. Hope i'm not out of order :oops: All I mean by that is that it might be a point of social difference, I don't mean that anyone is better or worse than anyone else.
And, I'm sure you didn't ruin Christmas. *sends computer hugs *

A time of change is sometimes a time of vulnerability - I'm saying that because I think it is true for me this year; I needed a rest. On another planet 8)


you are not out of line (not a bit). i will say that my brother and his peers are quite intelligent (academically), i think they just operate in a different way to the way i do... but then i am not neurotypical. :chin: :) and maybe that's a good thing. in saying that, your comment about it being a point of social difference is highly relevant and quite insightful :thumleft: as to how i feel.

thanks, and thanks for the hugs, and hugs back to you. reading your post, your experience does not sound pleasant. it is not nice to be dictated terms, talked at, or ridiculed... especially by family. you deserve better than that.

i hope that this time out provides you with an environment to be yourself as you are - no censoring of thoughts or actions to appease or placate others. it is a great opportunity to re-charge, listen to music, read, relax, focus on your navel... make plans, and do it all for you. :D


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26 Dec 2009, 6:26 pm

Ravenclawgurl wrote:
Jkid wrote:
AnonymousAnonymous wrote:


Please note, as I know most of you are
really sick of hearing me talk about
my family, the "abuse" is ongoing.


If you're family is abusive and you're 19 get out of there ASAP!


thats not not as easy as it sounds


Agreed. My mom's persona is a mixture
of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" with a
fragrance of "King Kong."

I did consider getting my mom tested
for bipolar disorder and my sister
tested for social anxiety disorder.

Both did not work.


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mysassyself
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26 Dec 2009, 7:02 pm

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:

Agreed. My mom's persona is a mixture
of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" with a
fragrance of "King Kong."




:lmao:

to quote myself:

Quote:
If worst comes to worst, I just withhold communication from them, grit my teeth, and prove them wrong


The good thing about people with adverse behaviours (yes,I'm being tactful; very un-AS of me yet bluntness is one symptom i don't always display. I got in trouble for it too many times :roll: adn tactful is good)...
is that they are usually very predictable. The one good thing about having (probably) lived with your mother for some time is that you will know intuitively how she will react to things. Therefore, it follows that you could stick to your own life and withhold details of it from your mother if you know she won't like them. Basically go about your business until a real opportunity presents itself to move out.
I'm not actually suggesting you be dishonest; although withholding can be a form of dishonesty, if it's for self-protection. If you have other people to share with (like on WP) then you will probably feel more secure and may not feel as much of a need to share much with your mother.
It's a little bit like if you know there's a fierce dog next door, walk the other way so you don't feel frightened when it growls. You don't need it.

If there are some things she doesn't budge on, then you may have to compromise for the sake of peace. Like if you, say, hate cleaning the bathroom and she growls at you fro not doing it then I'd do it and call it compromise for the sake of a roof over your head.

I hope this makes sense; it just sounds like in your situation you might have to make the best of a bad situation until you have more power to change it. It sounds like perhaps if you keep focussed and enjoy your studies then that WILL happen.

Peace out


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harlequinsenor
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26 Dec 2009, 8:00 pm

They're all usually fairly nice to me... but occasionally they'll joke about how I have never seem to have been in a relationship which pisses me off to no end. I think they know I have issues though so they rarely press the issue. I usually just avoid them all these days.



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26 Dec 2009, 8:30 pm

I was intimidated by my mum for being too innocent, last night. She told me that if somebody tells a dirty joke, I should just stay at the table and listen. I will never take that shoddy, worldly advice in a million years, and if I hear somebody say a dirty joke, I WILL leave the table, again. My mum has to learn that I'm not an extension of her, nor would I want to be, the way she swears, talks like a Valley Girl and laughs at dirty jokes.

God gave her a daughter that's like Mick Avory was in the 60s. If she wants a whore, she can make an appointment on Facebook to meet up with Madonna. Her and my mum would have a hoot, together.


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harlequinsenor
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26 Dec 2009, 9:49 pm

Come to think of it, my mom is always trying to get me to talk to people when I don't want to...

She'll be like "Oh go on! Talk to her!" so that everyone at the table hears it.

She always does that and I literally have to hold back with everything I have to keep from exploding. Even though each time I let her know in not friendly terms that I DO NOT WANT HER TO DO THAT she always finds herself doing it whenever we happen to be at a social engagement together which is not often these days.



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27 Dec 2009, 2:30 am

mysassyself wrote:
hey millie :D
hows the fruit salad 8)


I would say yes. my family are ex-military kind of people, so they have some AS traits themselves, but not to the extent I do.
I relate to alana, about the aspie naivete and being lulled into a false sense of security by accepting others ideas as totally right (and therefore me as a failure if I do things differently).
They're conservative and in some ways do not seem to trust me. For example my Dad is funny about his computer. I am 32 but if I wanted to use the computer or check my email I would have to ask him and then he would only say yes if I had been really nice all day.

They are used to issuing 'directives' and used to make me listen to lectures about how I ought to be living my life. We'd have huge arguments, or I would just cry. Eventually I have realised that I don't need them, even though they seem to think I do, and their ideas are THEIR ideas.

At the present time I have taken time out from them, because even if they do accept my eccentricities they laugh at me, find me ridiculous or criticise my sometimes extreme thinking (which often works for me if I am left alone to follow my plan of action).
I don't hate them at all, I just need to find my own way safely.
I have learnt I have to be extremely careful about who I talk to and what I tell them. My concepts of my own ideas, values, self-directives and passions can be extremely delicate; not in an over-valued way, just in a "I need to be vigilent' kind of way.

If worst comes to worst, I just withhold communication from them, grit my teeth, and prove them wrong :D


Hi Kel. See you on Friday up here in Murwillumbah! It is nice to see you on WP and to also know you are another aspie who comes to my house to visit! you - more silent - and me monologuing at you!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! ! chuckle chuckle.

It is good to hear you continue to take time out from your family and to find your own way.
i wish you well on that journey/
see you friday after the meeting... for structured social attempt time!!...... :)



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27 Dec 2009, 4:15 am

millie wrote:
mysassyself wrote:
hey millie :D
hows the fruit salad 8)


I would say yes. my family are ex-military kind of people, so they have some AS traits themselves, but not to the extent I do.
I relate to alana, about the aspie naivete and being lulled into a false sense of security by accepting others ideas as totally right (and therefore me as a failure if I do things differently).
They're conservative and in some ways do not seem to trust me. For example my Dad is funny about his computer. I am 32 but if I wanted to use the computer or check my email I would have to ask him and then he would only say yes if I had been really nice all day.

They are used to issuing 'directives' and used to make me listen to lectures about how I ought to be living my life. We'd have huge arguments, or I would just cry. Eventually I have realised that I don't need them, even though they seem to think I do, and their ideas are THEIR ideas.

At the present time I have taken time out from them, because even if they do accept my eccentricities they laugh at me, find me ridiculous or criticise my sometimes extreme thinking (which often works for me if I am left alone to follow my plan of action).
I don't hate them at all, I just need to find my own way safely.
I have learnt I have to be extremely careful about who I talk to and what I tell them. My concepts of my own ideas, values, self-directives and passions can be extremely delicate; not in an over-valued way, just in a "I need to be vigilent' kind of way.

If worst comes to worst, I just withhold communication from them, grit my teeth, and prove them wrong :D


Hi Kel. See you on Friday up here in Murwillumbah! It is nice to see you on WP and to also know you are another aspie who comes to my house to visit! you - more silent - and me monologuing at you!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! ! chuckle chuckle.




:lmao: haha; :P I could try being bossy but scared it might to too full on. i'll interrupt everyone (me and you) constantly. yes, please come to my house one day - it's always when I feel people know me; when they've been there and survived :D

.. I always secretly listen rapt at monologues because that's where I get some of my info from


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Niamh
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17 Sep 2010, 11:53 am

I got diagnosed at the end of May and the biggest trouble I've had since is coming from my family. When I first told my siblings they all seemed to be fine with it, my brother even decided to help me tell the parents about it, but then within days I got the most horrible email I'd ever had in my life from him about it...! He insulted me in a number of ways, and I'm glad to have deleted the email because I can't remember all of it now, and a few days after that one of my sisters did the same and sent me an email full of insults and extremely hurtful things. At first I made the mistake of bothering my butt to stand up for myself in a reply to each email. After receiving the same crap again from them I just didn't bother responding again and a week or so later I deleted them.
Now it's as if they're trying to gang up on me. The most recent thing I put up was a Tony Attwood quote I came across and thought was funny: "You don't suffer from Asperger's; you suffer from other people!" and I also commented on it to be clear that it doesn't to imply that other people are bad for Aspies, but that bad attitudes cause a lot of problems for us. And within hours, one sister throws a nasty comment on it directed at me and implying that I was annoying her by posting about AS, and I deleted it because I'm not going to keep insults on my page, and then the other sister decided to say something like "Jeez, you make it sound like a terminal disease" or something along those lines, and I simply put a comment stating that I had not mentioned one thing to do with death.
I don't get it. I've done nothing wrong. I don't force people to read things - if they don'e want to read my AS-related posts and just the other stuff, then why don't they just do that? And if they don't like it but it's not actually doing any harm to anyone (in fact I believe that I'm helping people by effectively being an advocate) then what drives them to actually get nasty? What is it that terrifies them so? And why are my friends the EXACT OPPOSITE and HAPPY for me? My friends have not changed their treatment of me one bit, whereas my family are going bonkers. My boss, who is a friend on Facebook, didn't change his treatment of me either and, in spite of having written an AS-related post on my blog (where I advertise myself for gigs) I still had a professional singer contact me via my website to accompany her for weddings, and we met today and my AS didn't come up at all and had a great rehearsal. I'm so frustrated with my family over how immature they are being, when every single other person is being so positive about it! But at the same time, I laugh at them for being like that, because they're making themselves look like as*holes publicly.



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17 Sep 2010, 12:05 pm

Its like they just "don't get it". I was at the doctor's yesterday and getting an MRI and an attendant asked if I needed help and I answered her literally (as AS people tend to do, which you think they'd know by know): "Not from you." They yelled at me for it... for HOURS.

I just didn't want her seeing me naked. :cry:


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