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sunshower
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30 Dec 2009, 2:38 am

I've been thinking, lately, that maybe some of us (including me) might never successfully find a long term relationship or a partner in life. I think that planning for this potential (I don't say definite) outcome could actually be a really good idea and beneficial to our happiness and well being.

When I say planning, I mean considering other ways to structure and go about our lives in a satisfying and fulfilling way without requiring the presence of a significant other.

Many people structure their lives around another person, and their children, but other people remain single and structure their lives around their career and close friendships. Although there is so much negative portrayal of it in the media, I think having a career focussed life (career or obsession) could actually be a really satisfying and fulfilling life for an aspie. And the independence and freedom of living alone while being able to go out and visit people when requiring company could be quite satisfying. We have a close family friend and a family member who live the "single life" (a.k.a. have remained either unintentionally or by choice single, and probably will for the rest of their lives (they're in their 50's)). I think they lead good lives.

What are your thoughts on this issue, and what sort of alternative lifestyle ideas can you come up with? The wife/husband, kids, and family lifestyle isn't the only good lifestyle a person can lead, it is simply the mainstream media reinforced lifestyle we are all supposed to adhere to without considering whether there could be better options out there for us.

***Please know that I intend this as a positive thread, not a negative/moping thread. Writing this doesn't make me sad, I consider it in a neutral fashion because there are pros and cons to any lifestyle.***


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ToadOfSteel
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30 Dec 2009, 3:07 am

the problem is, it wouldn't work for me because i crave close personal affection, the kind that only a significant other can give you (or your mother if you're not above the age of 6)...



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30 Dec 2009, 6:01 am

Having done "All of the above", none is everything, and it keeps coming back to my life.

My life is what carried me through when others found I was expendable to their plans. Wives want to try being ex wives, children grow up, leave, and only self lasts.

It is the same with jobs, towns, nothing lasts, because it grows, decays, or no longer suits your needs.

The only thing that has lasted is self, and taking care of number one counts. From, my friend the bed, getting rest, eating right, moving around, wearing clothes that suit yourself, avoiding people who should be avoided, all work to one end, positioning you to function the best you can.

Everything you may want in life comes with a need to be self prepared. Walking away from the disasters of life, it helps to be self prepared.

My own view of others is, they were not who I thought they were. I saw a potential, the reality was no where near. Basing life on another is chosing an illusion. It can be fun, but dreams end.

Some do live a single life, with weekends spent out of town. Some live single life with someone else. Being a couple, for economic, social, tax, and other reasons. There are degrees of Partnership, and what we have in common may not be everything, but enough to own property, have someone to attend functions with, trust more than others, but still short of a romance novel.

It is the selection of choices that drive most things, sexual attraction being the most chosen, and least stable. Economic reasons, but finding someone who can afford to keep you, they bought you, and you will never develop your own support. Other choices, mutual interests, mostly do not come with a full support network, and if that is all, doomed to fail. Two starving artists starve faster.

The single life is not at all, except for a few, they do have sex lives, what I want, when I want, and no full time commitment. Such relationships can last, the same for economics, limited part time in several projects is bettter than one full time job.

The main problem with one person, one job, is your world ends when they do. Life is an investment, and a diversified portfolio is the best investment.

Never invest all of self in one place. Self is to be held free and clear. Do not gamble more than you can afford to lose.A broken heart is one thing, a baby and Herpes another. Two kids, a house in foreclosure, $20,000 in credit card debt, alone, your future is gone.

First invest in your self, health, clothes, talents, a suitcase, some hidden money, a place to vanish to. Then you can make very limited investments in others.

Just being self sufficent shows, a confidence. It works just as well dealing with the worst, or best, in other people. You can not take me over, I am not dependant. It leads to other people making their better offers, and not trying to see what they might get away with.

We are born alone, die alone, and what happens between.

"Be true to yourself and you will be false to no man,
but wear the best clothes you can, for clothes make the man."



sunshower
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30 Dec 2009, 6:52 am

I couldn't agree more Inventor, very well said. Bravo!

There is a certain elation and bliss in self sufficiency, because therein lies complete control. You can place 100% trust in yourself without fear.


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Danielismyname
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30 Dec 2009, 6:55 am

Live how you want to live [within the confines of your ability]. Sayeth the disordered outlier.

Societal expectations exist, not just because to follow the herd, but also because that's what people want; people want a perfect mate (you see them on TV and read about them in books), people want to look perfect, people want flash clothes and fast cars, big houses, a good job, and children who'll be perfect like themselves. For all of a social person's weakness to group suggestion, there's still an individual who tends to want the same or similar things to the individuals of the group, even if you put each one on a different planet. They'll try and attain these things, albeit never to their complete satisfaction. Humans do as humans are, and they haven't changed all that much.

Then, there's the outliers of behaviour, those who we'll call disordered, who may just have a different, or better, extreme divergence to each individual above.

But then, you have someone who's similar to the outlier, but isn't far enough "gone" as to be not still a part of the social collective; this person wants what the group has, but can't attain it due to a lack of ability.

I read that you recently had a bad experience with a male; welcome to humanity, where someone can throw anything away and replace it with something they like better, as there's no societal consequence from bouncing to one partner from another, in fact, it's seen as the norm. No one wants to work at things, as after all, a replacement is just around the corner....

There'll be someone around who'll heal you.

Moving on from that, there's many ways to live, and they're all as equally valid as each other; whether it's sitting and staring at a wall for your entire life or curing cancer.



sunshower
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30 Dec 2009, 7:11 am

Thankyou for your sympathy Danielismyname, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I don't need somebody else to heal me, I'll heal myself much more quickly and efficiently and move on. :P I'm a positive thinker.

I think moping and waiting around for the "right" person to come into your life and suddenly make it worth living is a massive waste of time. You make your own life worth living, and if a person happens to come along whose company you feel you could enjoy and who could further enrich your life, then great - it's an added benefit.


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Salonfilosoof
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30 Dec 2009, 9:40 am

One thing I'd be open for is having a "backup" for when I'm 40. A "backup" is basically someone you plan to marry or live with at a certain age when you and your "backup" had both reached a certain age and aren't single. It's an arrangement sometimes made among good friends if they are the right gender for each other.

Another option I would be willing to contemplate is being the male part of a bi-sexual relationship with two women, however I'm sure that's pretty much every man's wet dream :wink:

Other than that, it's hard to say. Like ToadOfSteel, I need the intimacy and and affection of a relationship....



Luntan
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30 Dec 2009, 10:11 am

Well sunshower.
I know of one such guy and I can safely say that he's very happy. My godfather definately has got AS but since he's extremely entertaining, many people like him.
Since he found a profitable niche long ago, he's also a millionare. So he's got a giant flat in the centre Stockholm and alot of young people who rent rooms there so it's never dull.

He doesn't do sex. He doesn't do relationships, but he's happy anyway and why shouldn't he...
the lucky, lucky bastard! :)

In all earnest, living without relationship doesn't always equal living alone. There's lots of ways to carve some alternative niche.



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30 Dec 2009, 1:32 pm

sunshower wrote:
When I say planning, I mean considering other ways to structure and go about our lives in a satisfying and fulfilling way without requiring the presence of a significant other.

Even if a relationship and friendships are important, it is possible to get used to doing without and with very little respectively and be quite happy.

I hope at the end of my life I'll be able to say the world was probably a little better for me being around, and I do what seems to further that end given my pattern of talent or incompetence in different fields. To use an example relevant to your question, making some poor woman desperately unhappy would appear to interfere with my goal. But I have a job that is a bit useful, I try to do it well, and I find it satisfying when I succeed.



sunshower
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30 Dec 2009, 3:42 pm

Agreed with all above, except the backup partner at age 40 plan. Just personally, I couldn't imagine a worse decision than marrying someone simply because you had reached a particular age and hadn't found anyone else. Even if that person was your friend. That would be like my worst nightmare! hahahaha.

(To clarify; it would be my worst nightmare not because I had been single that long or anything, but because the thought of being with someone I hadn't found was completely right for me in that way, but just so I wouldn't be alone, repels me. I'd much rather be alone (I don't mind being alone anyway.) But of course, everyone is different.

A friend of mine posted a great quote up on facebook last night from Doctor Who (a series I unfortunately haven't seen, as I am a voracious reader and have never watched much TV).

"When you're a kid, they tell you it's all grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid and that's it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker and so much madder. And so much better."


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Janissy
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30 Dec 2009, 4:09 pm

sunshower wrote:
I've been thinking, lately, that maybe some of us (including me) might never successfully find a long term relationship or a partner in life. I think that planning for this potential (I don't say definite) outcome could actually be a really good idea and beneficial to our happiness and well being.

When I say planning, I mean considering other ways to structure and go about our lives in a satisfying and fulfilling way without requiring the presence of a significant other.

Many people structure their lives around another person, and their children, but other people remain single and structure their lives around their career and close friendships. Although there is so much negative portrayal of it in the media, I think having a career focussed life (career or obsession) could actually be a really satisfying and fulfilling life for an aspie. And the independence and freedom of living alone while being able to go out and visit people when requiring company could be quite satisfying. We have a close family friend and a family member who live the "single life" (a.k.a. have remained either unintentionally or by choice single, and probably will for the rest of their lives (they're in their 50's)). I think they lead good lives.

What are your thoughts on this issue, and what sort of alternative lifestyle ideas can you come up with? The wife/husband, kids, and family lifestyle isn't the only good lifestyle a person can lead, it is simply the mainstream media reinforced lifestyle we are all supposed to adhere to without considering whether there could be better options out there for us.

***Please know that I intend this as a positive thread, not a negative/moping thread. Writing this doesn't make me sad, I consider it in a neutral fashion because there are pros and cons to any lifestyle.***



Although feminism is getting reamed in another thread, I think it's greatest benefit is that it has allowed you- a woman- to even consider this. There was a time when this just wasn't an option for women. Now women can support themselves just fine and husbands are optional rather than the mandatory alternative to the nunnery or living with your parents. If this is what you want then go for it! And say a little thank you to the lionesses of feminism who made this possible for us.



lotusblossom
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30 Dec 2009, 4:12 pm

Ive always been very ambivalent about whether I want a relationship or not. Ive not liked any of the relationships I had and found them very upsetting places where I had to sacrifice my happiness and interests for the sake of the others pleasure. I like my own company best and all my interests are solitary, Im also not very tollerant and are quite grumpy and get irritated at others faults quite easily.

I was single for 8 years previous to my last relationship and really worked on myself and looked deeply at myself and I thought I was ready to have a relationship and thought I could do it.

Unfortunately it was not ok and I still did not like being in a relationship, it made me unhappy and stressed. I have felt much better about myself since I ended the relationship though I am very sad and hurt about the relationship ending and things not being ok.

I think I am someone who probably will never be able to make a relatiosnhip work, I dont think there is enough giving in me to make life pleasurable to another. I need to be by myself too much and I dont like my routines interfered with.

In future I shall continue to try and invest my time in my special interests and try and cultivate some friendships.



sunshower
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30 Dec 2009, 4:13 pm

I will Janissy. Gosh, if I lived several decades in the past I probably would've ended up in a nunnery or something, shudder. Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing in itself, it just doesn't suit me. I enjoy my freedom of movement, and I love living in a city environment - I love the colours and sounds and bustle.


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kingtut3
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30 Dec 2009, 4:23 pm

I know a guy who is perfectly happy living single. I don't see anything wrong with it. He is tired of the culture being biased towards marriage.



Danielismyname
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30 Dec 2009, 8:38 pm

sunshower wrote:
I think moping and waiting around for the "right" person to come into your life and suddenly make it worth living is a massive waste of time. You make your own life worth living, and if a person happens to come along whose company you feel you could enjoy and who could further enrich your life, then great - it's an added benefit.


Exactly.

Finding happiness with yourself is one of those keys. There'll rarely be a person who'll make you as happy as you can make yourself--pursuing your own interests without distraction can be the most joyous thing someone can experience.

People for the most part just bring problems (this is what I've found)....



Hector
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30 Dec 2009, 10:10 pm

If I go on to pursue my ambition of a career in academia I can't imagine it mattering all that much that I'm single.

There are people who lived very accomplished lives with their virginity, among other things, seemingly very much intact. Examples include Isaac Newton, Immanuel Kant and Paul Erdos. But it's not so much about them and whether they were fine with that, the question is if you're fine with it.

Personally I'm not OK with the notion of being single all my life, but it wouldn't have a direct effect on my ability and success. An indirect one, perhaps, like say if I were to suffer from depression.