Do men view you as unapproachable

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I was told by a close female friend that someone said to her about me,"what does she need me for, she's got everything she needs." I had just moved house that weekend and he saw that (I'm not sure how to phrase this) I was settled, I had everything I needed for the kitchen, I have furniture, I'm independent of my parents, whereas he lives at home with his folks. She also said on a later date that guys view me as the girl that no one can have.

In reality I don't like living by myself, I feel lonely, I can't get a pet because I work all day and I don't think it would be fair on a dog to be alone all day. I am struggling financially, I can't do maths and I find budgeting really difficult, plus the cost of living alone is so high.

Outwardly I look like I've got it all together because I'm quiet and don't tend to talk about my problems. Therefore, my male friend assumes that I don't need him. I think that guys in general get this impression of me. I seem distant and unconnected. I'm not sure how to change that. It annoys me that people don't see me as I really am. But I guess I have created a very good facade.

Does anyone else ever get comments along these lines?

When I was single I noticed something, if I went out in jeans and tee-shirts scads of weird guys would come on to me. If I went out dressed nicely then those same types of guys would leave me alone. Being casual made me look more approachable by virtue of being closer to being "in their league".

I also had learned to give off kind of an aloof vibe when I dressed up as if I were not that interested in ... well anything. Even though you are not doing that on purpose it stands to reason that they are translating it that way.

But you do not want a guy that wants you to need him anyway. Those guys usually end up trying to use that against you eventually.

You certainly don't want a guy with such low self-esteem that he can't be attracted to a woman who dresses nicely because he assumes she's out of his league. Assuming a someone is beyond one's ability to attract seems to me to be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies.

In other words, if he won't even try because he thinks he's not good enough, he's right.

i am not the sort of person that men will randomly look at as being attractive, seeing as I am short, frumpy and weird...bu I am sure most men would view me as unapproachable because I sorta AM unapproachable..always at the edge of stress and on the defense...

Females find me unapproachable too...in terms of conventional female bonding,.... i have managed to alienate almost every female within my circumference and i am told that they are scared of me

I am only approachable with people who have broken the ice with me and know how to deal with me..but it might be hard to approach me in order to do that...

Geesh your story sounds like mine.

With males, it's not so much that I'm unapproachable but rejected once they get to know the real me. Women also seem creeped out by me and tend to take me as either a girl who can't get it together or a total b***h. I'm not ashamed to say I'm both of those except b***h is not so much me being an ass on purpose but lacking the social grace and affection. As if that isn't creepy....

Seems to be a common theme around here, I get told I am snobby and have had guys call me a snooty stuck up b***h because I tend not to look or acknowledge them, I get extremely shy with anyone I am not familiar with

I think that people think that I am stuck up. I caught the tail end of a conversation at work. A guy said, "ah, she always just ignores you." I looked up and said: "Do you mean me?" He laughed and said yes. I don't mean to ignore people, I just don't realise or expect that I am being involved in anything. I'm not sure how many times I have ignored him because I'm just not aware that I'm doing it.

I'm sort of torn. I would like to be viewed as friendly, but I'm actually not that interested in people, it doesn't come naturally to me. That bothers me because I wonder if I am selfish, but I don't want to be selfish. But I do care about people sometimes. This whole area confuses me.

I know exactly how you feel, if that helps at all.

I want to post a bulletin to the people who work for my company telling them that I am not evil and mean and hate them, I just have communication difficulties with people with whom I have never broken the ice.

I wish I were unapproachable to men, I really do.

But no, I get men who even if flip out and aim two fingers at their eyes to blind them because they won't leave me alone, STILL take it as a sign that I want to see more of them. Vlech.

You should! At least you could post something about Asperger's/Autism and explain that you have it. It would be better than leaving them to think you are horrible. You seem nice to me, granted I have not met you face to face as the Old Man has, but I doubt I'd change my mind. He does not have that many females that he genuinely liked as a friend in the grand scheme of things and I've liked all of them so far.

I am somewhat different now than I was when I was 16-17 (when the Old Man knew me)..... I was a trifle more socially flexible as an adolescent...sometimes even downright gregarious.....maybe it was the "teen hormones"...dunnow....I alienated people in different ways back then...mostly thru tactlessness....and/or overbearingness...or just plain blindness...in my attempt to compensate for my emotionally/developmentally delayed childhood.....My AS is strongly affected by my ADD symptoms...The ADDness of me is what drove me to be more social at times...I went from being an spacey ADD-inattentive child to a spazzy ADHD teen.....now I am a spacey ADD inattentive adult again...(with enough AS symptoms that I am assessed as having AS rather than ADD since according to the AS specialist, having AS rules out the ADD and the ADD symptoms are just part of the AS)....though this contradicts much of what is said on the board...and many here identify as being AS/ADD co-morbid...

ANYWAY....

some of the people who work for me know that I am on the spectrum...and I used to keep a sign posted on the bar for anyone to read because I was having too many bad incidents on a regular basis...Freaking out on customers...and whatnot...I was able to break the ice with some of the guys who work for us....and learn about some of their own different and particular issues...but there remains a perpetual wall between me and the girls...even the ones I kind of know....I have tried to get Flakey to help explain my issues to them since he is more on speaking terms...to some degree...but none of that has made it easier...

I have been having issues adjusting to having so many people around all the time. Our "day job" business suddenly grew and we were compelled to take on all these employees...and I have been struggling with adjustment issues for a while....

I might post the sign again....sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't

Probably. If I walk down the street or something, I've been told men sometimes stare, although half the time I don't even notice. But at school? Guys seldom talk to me. I keep to myself most of the time. I usually read or scribble in my notebook to hide the fact that I'm so unsure of both myself and others. I just don't know how to open up to people. I'm also not so good at picking up on romantic cues.

I still feel that part of the problem there is that they see you as a rival with an unfair advantage. That is not your fault. Females are given mixed messages in how we deal with each other from a very young age. From birth we are taught to be sweet and cooperative with each other, you must have a very best girlfriend because it is only natural! But always with the underlying knowledge that as soon as we are "mated" then we can no longer truly trust that other female because they will try to steal our resources. It is total bull s**t.

I honestly believe that that is a nurture rather than a nature problem.

There's a lot going on with this issue that swings it wildly off the initial topic of the thread...I think..

I find it hard to see why they might think of me as a rival..I am much older than them...I own the business....I was here first...

I have been trying to verse it for some time...these particular issues that I have been having...I will try again in a different thread....

It reached a point a little while ago where I said I wanted to leave because i feel useless here and was sick of terrorizing the hired help and felt that she was more useful to the organization than I am...because i have such a hard time cleaning...

Completely flawed logic because (duh..I OWN the company) everything is in my name...my name is on the lease of the building...etc.etc..etc....My office work may seem trivial, and maybe a hired monkey could do it, but I am the only one who does it...currently...

oops I had forgotten about this thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2635907.html#2635907

I apologize, I did not mean to hijack the thread... sometimes (OK most of the time) I get easily sidetracked.