Still trying to find my place in the world...

Post Reply New Topic

OK, so now I’m confused and depressed. I told my academic advisor today of my plans to not attend that university in the fall. I worked so hard for the privilege of coming to this school, and it breaks my heart that it isn’t working out. However, I have a clear conscience that I have done absolutely everything in my power to try to stay. That includes having a support network of professionals within and outside of the school doing everything they could think of as well. My advisor says that I am “choosing” to leave, but it sure doesn’t feel like I have much of a choice, because it is NOT working out for a number of reasons. In fact, everyone I have talked to, including the advisor, can’t believe I lasted as long as I did with so many strikes against me. Well, I really, really, REALLY wanted to attend this school, take advantage of its marvelous opportunities, and get instruction from their top-notch professors and programs.

I was already hurting from the reactions of both my parents, and then today the advisor said some things which were very disheartening. I told him that at this point, I was so exhausted that I was going through the motions and turning things in at the last minute (which is EXTREMELY unlike me—I am the very opposite of a procrastinator!). I’m fortunate that items such as my rough drafts of papers are considered grade “A” material. However, I don’t like doing my assignments in such a half-assed manner. I prefer to savor the learning experience and truly get something out of it. He told me that college is merely a tool for the purpose of getting a job and making money so that you can have things. In the real world, you have to just hurry up and crank the material out, and you don’t have time to carefully craft it and do your best effort either, and that is part of what college is supposed to be teaching me, because after all, college is only a tool. I was absolutely horrified.

Now, I understand that jobs have deadlines and that many bosses expect the impossible of their employees, but I am utterly uninterested in skimping on my learning experience. There is also the possibility that my vocational rehab lady raised—that I may not be able to handle a full 40-hour workweek once I get done with school. Looking at my past and present situations, I think that may very likely be the case. I don’t want to admit that it might be, because I have spent the last three years trying to convince myself that absolutely ANYTHING is possible if you want it badly enough, if you try hard enough, if you engage in enough positive self-talk, and if you believe in yourself enough.

My plans for the fall are to try to get a part-time job and also finish my bachelor’s degree via Oregon State University’s online classes. In my field, if you aren’t a graduate of the uni I currently attend, you are at a huge disadvantage, but I don’t have the option of continuing there. Between that fact and the fact that I may never be able to work 40 hours a week, I wonder if continuing my education is nothing more than an expensive hobby. Maybe I should give up my dream, try to find something tolerable through my home county’s voc rehab office (the lady in my uni town is phenomenal and would be happy to get that set up), and just pursue the whole water quality thing as a self-taught volunteer.

All I want to know is, after nearly 4.5 decades on this confusing, unforgiving, conform-or-else planet, will there EVER be a place for me in the grand scheme of things? God gave me a good brain, and I don’t understand why He would do so and then make it so that I can’t use it for the betterment of the planet and the life upon it. I don’t care about money or fame; I just want to be a contributing member of society. Why does that have to be so difficult? Where is my place in life? Where is my place in life? WHERE IS MY PLACE IN LIFE????

It sounds like you've been really hurt by having your hopes dashed about school. Well, don't beat yourself up about it. It's an NT world.

It feels bad now, but you've probably learned a bunch from the experience of Uni. Maybe I'm reading in, but is it your parent's disappointment that bothers you most? Sometimes you just have to disappoint people.

Don't go thinking that there's only one route through life. Explore options. Especially options that you or others might not think are options. The world is more open than we're led to believe. I have a motto; "Failure is always an option". That's not to say that I always fail, try to fail, or never try, just that if you learn not to fear failure, then you are free.

I think I agree with your assessment of uni as a waste of time and money. I'm rather glad I didn't have the grades to do A levels and subsequently go to uni, because I'd have a ton of debt to deal with. Most people I know who went to uni don't seem to have learned a thing, either. I agree that it's sad that so called higher education institutions just seem to be about cranking out half formed people who are only interested in half arsing whatever it is that they do.

If you want to contribute then look around you to see what people need. Little things mean a lot. If you struggle to work full time, do part time work, and if you can't get work, try voluntary work. Most people never do anything significant on a large scale in their lives, whether gifted or not. Some go on to do evil, most just maintain the status quo.

It's really hard. I feel your disappointment and anxiety for the future. Keep exploring until you find things that are comfortable and satisfying. I feel more at home in the world now than I did, but this is probably always going to feel like the wrong planet to us.

Have you considered going back to school in the fall on a half-time basis? Or taking fewer courses? I had a really rough time at the residential college I originally attended because I was having to be in class between 8 and 9 am 5 days a week. I also took 18+ credits every semester. It was too much for me...my GPA suffered and I suffered.

So...try to take 2 classes...one that meets from 1pm to 3:30 pm on Tuesday and Thursday, and the other that meets from 4 to 6:30pm on the same days (or something similar). Then, you will have more time to unwind and decompress. You can do volunteer work on your off-days, or you can sleep in, or do whatever you need to chill more and make this doable for you. You'll still be eligible for financial aid because you'll have at least 6 credits.

The fact is, we need to work to have an income, to get the things we want and need. This includes not only a house, car, food, etc. but in a lot of cases respect. And I'm not talking about parents wanting you to do something...I'm talking about you doing something you love. You seem to have a lot of passion for what you do and a genuine interest in it. There ARE fields where a 40 hour work week just isn't enough because the person loves what they're doing SO much. You could do research, or be a professor, in addition to the actual field work of whatever-it-is.

You will be lucky if the work you do is fulfilling, and you enjoy it. It sounds like you have found something that meets both of these, and that's amazing. What do I think? Suck it up. You're almost done with the semester. Unwind in the summer. Go back part-time in the fall. And THEN enjoy the reward of being proud of yourself AND having a job you love!

Damn good question. I'm trying to figure that one out myself. I just spent the last 3 years and $50,000 in loans to get a master's degree and now I'm in a job that makes me so anxious I'm on numerous meds and don't have the energy or desire to do anything. I thought, well, maybe if I get a doctorate then I can do what I want without all this stress, so this week I went and spoke to the doctorate program advisor who pretty much assured me I'd get into the program. But then the reality hit me. I'd have to figure out a way to keep teaching at this horrible job AND take doctorate level classes. And then try to find a job, which may be no better than the one I have. I don't know my place in life, where I won't need medications to function, either. So I'm pretty depressed as well.

Sorry to bring only tidings of woe, but perhaps we can have a pity party together.

Moog: Thank you for your comments. You managed the tricky task of combining realism with reassurance, and I am grateful for it.
-------------------------------------------------

gypsyRN: I already had my courseload lowered, and I guess in a lot of cases that does help, but there are just too many other variables in this particular situation. Your advice is good, all the same.

I love the scheduling idea you suggested, but there are required courses that only meet Mon./Wed./Fri., and even if I did take all Tues./Thurs. classes for a semester, I'd still be over 3 hours from home.

I think going to a different school part-time online at home might be the best option. I just hope I'm not throwing good money after bad by doing so.

Brainstorming such as yours is always great to read. I appreciate your help!

-----------------------------------------------------------

MsTriste: If one of us figures out even a tiny portion of our respective situations, we should let the other one know details about the breakthrough. It may be helpful to the other person as well. I will send prayers and good thoughts your way!