Does your teen or preteen lie to you???

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schleppenheimer
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13 Apr 2010, 10:40 am

Does your teen or preteen lie to you???

Does the lying continue even though you've explained how detrimental it is to your child, or no matter how often you catch them in the lie?

What is your take on how lying "works" for your child, and therefore is the reason why they continue to do so?



zeldapsychology
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13 Apr 2010, 11:22 am

my 10 year old sister lies at times. Just yesterday she took a piece of candy from my room mom asked what's that? (her:nothing) she had stuck a Reesee's down her pants (mom noticed her doing it.) She got in trouble and had to write I will not lie. Also the "she did it" lie It's annoying no she did it since X no it was her fault etc. That's a VERY annoying lie. :-)



astaut
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13 Apr 2010, 12:03 pm

I don't have a child, but I can tell you what I did as a preteen and teen :D As a younger teen, I lied maybe two times. I hated doing it, pretty much couldn't do it, thought it was wrong, felt physically ill when I did it. I only did it because I was afraid of the consequences others would suffer if I didn't lie...I thought I would get someone else in trouble. As I got older I realized I wasn't afraid of what would happen to me, I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble or anything. I thought "what's the worse that could happen?" There was one time when I simply wouldn't talk (again, afraid of getting someone in trouble) so my parents grounded me from staying out late or even staying the night with friends. So, I just didn't do those things for a few months, lol. I just accepted the punishment.

My 9 year old brother is ADHD and very possibly ODD and he lies all the time. He'll lie about silly things like brushing his teeth, or serious things like stealing. He gets punished in all sorts of ways. Usually by having something taken away or not being allowed to see friends (that's a big motivator for him). He will continue to lie even after explanation as to why it's wrong, etc. He and I are very different with very different childhoods, though.



Tracker
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13 Apr 2010, 2:01 pm

Lying is a very difficult skill to learn. It takes a good bit of practice to make a good lie and make it seem convincing. If you have the time to practice it then you can do decently at lying, but trying to come up with a lie in the moment is difficult. Especially if the child is younger and lacks practice. Don't worry, the child will get better at doing it when he gets more practice.



Lene
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13 Apr 2010, 2:42 pm

Most, if not all adults have lied to their children too at some time or another. Whatever their reasons, and even if it is for their child's 'own good', this does send out the message to them that it is ok to lie in some circumstances. And in real life, it is ok to lie sometimes. Sometimes the truth gets you in a lot of trouble.

I think teens/preteens are allowed some secrets, especially if it is about things which other generations may not necessarily approve of (premarital sex etc.). Even if you are liberal, there are things which are personal and which your teenage son or daughter may not want to share. If pressured to answer, they may prefer to fob you off with a lie/half truth instead of revealing highly personal information.

I'm not trying to criticize you; I don't know what sort of things your teen lies to you about, but from my own experience with my mum, I think you should err on the side of trusting your teenager to have enough common sense not to get into trouble and just be prepared in case the worst happens.

I didn't lie much to my mum when I was a teen (was a bit too boring to need to), but I sometimes wish I had kept more stuff private, just so my actions etc. weren't so open to her criticism. She may have meant to be helpful, but her comments have left a lasting scar on my self esteem. Now that I am in my 20s and living away from home, I am resisting her a bit better (my bf's support helps), but it still hurts when she makes underhand comments about my clothes or weight (despite the sensible part of me knowing that neither is an issue). I wish I had broken away and rebelled a bit more when I was younger, as it may have been easier to become independant in the long run.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that the fact your son/daughter doesn't feel the need to share everything with you may be a positive sign that they are self-confident enough to make their own plans for their life. If you try prying too much or go behind their backs to get to the 'truth', they may lose even more trust in you and it will take a very long time to earn it back. The few secrets I did have, my mum went through them when my back was turned and what little privacy I though I had, she invaded. As a result, I do not trust her at all anymore and have actually gone so far as to demand my spare key back from her (I didn't give it to her in the first place) and get the locks changed for good measure. I know how drastic that sounds, but it's the only thing that gives me peace of mind and allows me to keep on friendly terms with her. I hope things don't get that bad for you and your son or daughter.