Help: Comedic dissembly social script
I have been a year now without drinking alcohol. I rarely go to group meals with others, but sometimes I need to attend a social type event where I sit at a table with people as part of some celebratory or congratulatory event. At these events, people invariably have one or two beers.
I could never stand the taste of beer, even when I was drinking heavily. I went for "the buzz". However, it doesn't bother me at all to drink a non-alcoholic beer like Sharps or Beck's or O'Doul's. I do this to try to "fit in", of course. This is where a social difficulty arises that is not covered by my scripts and has not been a subject of observation. Occasionally, I get the foolish waiter who announces in a loud voice "Oh, you know that's a NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER, right?". I also occasionally draw the observant guy in the next seat over who notices that I have a non-alcoholic beer.
As this is a light social event, I'm not going to blurt out "Yeah, well I used to be a raging boozer and I'm taking it easy now" so I need a semi-witty comeback that discourages further engagement. So far I have tried "Yup, it is" to discourage further questions, but that seems a little off-putting or dampening to some people.
I'm looking for a response from someone you've observed and/or an NT insight on something better to say. I would prefer if it were funny as this both discourages future questions (jokes tend to do this; have you ever noticed that odd property of jokes) AND it covers me without putting anyone off. This will become part of my permanent scripting for this situation.
Additional Criteria: These people are usually all Japanese and there is strong social pressure to conform (otherwise, I wouldn't even have a beer at all). Witty is appreciated, but it cannot be semi-insulting at all like "Well, it's better than the swill you're drinking" (which might be perfect for a bar scene with American associates) or racy like "Well, I don't need booze to make you look good, baby".
I like it. Thanks for helping me, Kiley!
Been there. Done that. Created a comeback. A mime comeback.
I looked at the O'Douls label. Then I made an expression of mock surprise. It's the expression mimes use since they frequently have to pretend to be surprised in their skits.
Then I sighed. Shrugged. Took a sip.
If you're in no mood to be a mime or if it would be too weird with Japanese tablemates, "doctor's orders" is a good one. Doctors tell people to avoid alcohol all the time for many reasons, only one of which is alcoholism recovery.
The mime thing goes over well with Americans and Europeans but who knows how Japanese tablemates would take it.
So, yeh, "doctor's orders".
As this is a light social event, I'm not going to blurt out "Yeah, well I used to be a raging boozer and I'm taking it easy now" so I need a semi-witty comeback that discourages further engagement. So far I have tried "Yup, it is" to discourage further questions, but that seems a little off-putting or dampening to some people.
unfortunately if you don't drink, people are going to assume you're an alcoholic. this is totally stupid, and furthermore, none of their business.
but ...
how about a sarcastic insult? like "your skills of observation astound me" or "thank you, captain obvious."
people will probably take it as a joke, and walk away happy. hopefully.
or, drink soda instead of non-alcoholic beer? it will probably attract less attention.
_________________
Now a penguin may look very strange in a living room, but a living room looks very strange to a penguin.
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