Accused of teasing men

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I know, shame on us for just wanting to be friends right? For actually having an interest in them as a human being and trying to be sensitive to their emotions.

So unfortunately, because of men like this, and men who think returning a hello means it's ok for them to harass me, cannot be so nice and civil to men who greet me when I'm out and about anymore, and I must out myself in the position of missing put on potentially good friendships.

Yes it probably is us men in that position, and because of WHOM are we in that position? Because of you WOMEN! Seriously, given your thread about preferring to have sex without emotions, I thought you'd be better able to understand this than it seems like you are.



It's probably not the same men, at the same time, who would call you a slut for sleeping with them quickly, versus those who would call you a tease or a b**** for ignoring them. You should bother to learn to actually differentiate the two.

And for the second part, you can say that if you want to. And in reality, it would simply be a statement of probable fact if it didn't come with the implication that you were blaming the men for their inability to get sex, and saying "tough luck" to them. Because it is in YOUR power, and yours only, to do something to get the guys out of that situation. A lot of us guys wish we were sexually satisfied enough that we could be friends with a girl without necessarily having an overpowering urge for her sexually, but we are stuck in the situation you are describing, and pointing it out to the guys won't help do anything except make the guy more frustrated.

Now I know some girls will be like, "I don't want to be a charity giving out free sex", or "Why do guys want me to provide pity sex?" Well, being willing to be physically intimate in some way (not necessarily intercourse, but I know from experience about 99.9% of women will gloss over this parenthetical statement) with a man because that's what he wants at the moment, even though he's not your ideal guy, is as much "pity sex" as buying an ice cream for a friend is "pity feeding", or calling a friend up to see how he's doing when he has had a bad day is "pity calling".



But this ignores the fact that maybe what the guy wants is exactly to experience physical intimacy with you. Maybe we don't need someone to be "sensitive to our emotions" at that moment. So ironically, by trying to engage us on a platonic emotional level when what we really want is to touch or see a naked woman, you are actually NOT taking our emotions into account. What a radical idea!

A substantial number of men, and many of the testosterone-fueled, hypersexual women, some of which I have had a chance to communicate with online, probably get this.

Last edited by biostructure on 26 Jun 2010, 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Touching people, hugging them an pecking them are not something you do to someone you are not interested in - sorry. It's called flirting. If its a friend, fine, as long as the friend knows the intention. If its a stranger, they would have to be absolutely stupid to think that isn't flirting.

It's not the mans fault for taking THOSE the wrong way.

However, some deranged men can be unrealistic and think hair flicking, a glance or a simple reply to an email means you "want" them, and thats called dillusion.

A lot of airheaded NT women and girls flick their hair ALL the time, and usually this shouldn't be taken as "I like you".

Yeah, now you know, Alla. I would add to this that it doesn't have to be physical touch that can lead guys on - it an be conversation, too. Of most of the guys I had this happen with, our relationships were not only platonic (even at the most subtle level in my eyes), but had occurred entirely in public. I had never even touched these guys - no hugs, no pecks, nothing - nor had I ever even flirted with them. I figured out later that if a guy is funny and you laugh at his humour, that that laughing can be interpreted as I don't know...an invitation to flirting maybe? I don't know, it can just be interpreted that you like him when maybe you just thought the joke was funny.

I feel like a vulcan trying to make sense of the humans.

And it is men like him which drive non-man hating women like me who would otherwise smile and say hello, to have to not give men the time of day. The least they could do is not label us b!tches for having to protect ourselves.

There are websites for casual hookups. There are websites where you can explicitly state what type of relationship you are seeking.

I think people should not give all men a bad name because some messed up dillusional nutter thinks saying hello to them means you are interested in dating them.

Sometimes it is the woman at fault. Sometimes they do send the wrong messages.

I haven't even looked at guys (when single in college a few years back) sometimes and they got furious at me for not letting them grope me and grind their privates against my bottom. I had to be physically violent to get them to stop.

biostructure, could you please grow up. Women are not required to give men sex. We have the right to choose what we do with our bodies and that has no similarity to someone giving an ice-cream to cheer someone up. If a gay man was feeling so deprived (and you only wanted to be friends) would you feel he had the right to ask you for sex?

I do understand that people can miss-understand each other and their intent. I like to hug people I care deeply for only and so I wouldn't have the same issue as the OP does with men miss-interpreting things. On a finishing note, regardless of how many men a woman sleeps with, the woman has a right to say no.

I don't think poorly of all men. In fact I don't think poorly of most men. As I said in the previous post, I would very much like to be friendly towards men who greet me or ask me a question on the street. I frequently do, in fact but I have also been the subject of harassment for doing so (and it's not like I'm the hottest thing in the world either).

There is a post on this forum for men on how not to be creepy.

Perhaps a man can write a post for women on how not to come across as flirtatious. There is hardly ant advice here on this forum from men on how women can improve their social relations with the opposite sex.

It's not about the "right" (or lack thereof) of women to say what they want to do with their bodies. Alla and Chronos were expressing their being bothered by how men reacted to certain things they did. My point is that if a woman thinks, "I'm only trying to be friendly to a guy, and take interest in his feelings, and look at how he reacts to that", a guy could just as easily answer back with "I'm only trying to make your privates feel good, and respect your need to feel a guy up against you, and look at how you react". It goes both ways.

And in the case of the gay guy, if he were roughly like myself in appearance, or cuter (i.e., not a totally ugly, hairy, etc. man), I might seriously consider it, particularly if I thought the guy was a nice person. Plus this isn't exactly a fair comparison, as the women we're talking about are presumably heterosexual.



Yes, a woman has a right to say no. And so does a man. But this overlooks the fact that the average woman will use that right about 50 times as often as a man would if he were being approached by women, yet women somehow still find it annoying that men have unfulfilled sexual needs. Women are often really unapologetic about taking advantage of the, um, advantage they have in this situation, which makes me feel not very willing to examine and critique the advantages I might have as a man, though I might otherwise be willing to do so.

I am always hugging or grabbing an arm when talking to someone, doesn't matter who it is, I sure hope I wasn't leading anyone on

I see far more men stating how offended they are that they held a door open for a woman, or that they smiled at her, or they tried to make casual small talk with her and she didn't even say thankyou, return the civility, and just flat out ignored him when he was just trying to be civil, than I see woman who complain a man on the street didn't even bother to try to feel her up. I'm sure they are out there but they are mighty scarce.

So while it is a reasonable to think that a man just might be trying to be friendly in a non-sexual way, I do not think that it is a reasonable to think that a woman wants a man to "make her privates feel good".

And in the case of the gay guy, if he were roughly like myself in appearance, or cuter (i.e., not a totally ugly, hairy, etc. man), I might seriously consider it, particularly if I thought the guy was a nice person. Plus this isn't exactly a fair comparison, as the women we're talking about are presumably heterosexual.




I'm not annoyed that men have unfullfilled sexual needs. I recognize that sex is a very important part of a man's mental health.

But do you see a reason why a woman should be unapologetic for not putting out? Sex is very invasive for a woman. It is not always pleasant. It is sometimes painful. There is often tissue damage. Women are far more susceptible to contracting STD's than men are. And then there is the issue of getting pregnant from casual sex, and in that case her options are as follows if the man does not want to be a father.

1. Take the day after pill.
Ramifications: Scorn by Catholics. Potential guilt and depression about her actions.

2. Get an abortion.
Ramifications: Pro-lifers call her a murderer and look down on her. Life long potential guilt and depression from her actions.

3. Put the child up for adoption.
Ramifications: Life long depression for giving the child away.

4. Keep the child and raise as a single parent.
Ramifications: She will likely have to get government assistance and the government may try to go after the father for child support. She will be looked down on for being a welfare mother living off the government. She will be scorned for going after the poor guy for child support, and she will have to struggle with raising a child and perhaps working simultaneously at a low paying job.

And all the while she will be seen as irresponsible and called a slut for sleeping with him in the first place.

Sex is never so casual for a woman even if she wanted it to be. And considering all this, it's a bit ironic that standards on female sexual behavior have largely been set by men in society. It was not a woman who first declared women should be modest and virgins at marriage.

Biostructure, I actually thought you had an interesting point above (a few posts back) about the physical/emotional needs of men. Men and women are definitely wired very differently. I guess as a woman it can be difficult to understand and as a woman with AS, ToM issues would come into play, but that's no excuse for not trying to understand the male perspective.

With regards to turning down sex as a woman (the 50 times as often part), I think for a lot of women sex just isn't usually what motivates us to engage with someone. The men I've been with seemed to want sex way, way more often than I did and it can get exasperating to be nearly constantly asked, especially when a woman's sex drive is usually cyclical. Roughly half of the time I'm not interested at all - but it doesn't mean that I'm going to be remarkably less affectionate because even without sex I think my guy is really great.

Those were a lot of good points about pregnancy, but I think, too the ramifications include health issues as well, such as side effects of the morning after pill or an abortion (which can cause scarring, etc.). And pregnancy itself is a huge physical undertaking with lifelong effects on the body. Yes, I agree, women have a lot more to consider when it comes to having sex, especially considering that sometimes, guys who seemed like good ones skip out on their responsibilities when they get the girl pregnant.

And yes, sex can be very uncomfortable and sometimes, even with a great guy, you can just be waiting for him to finish so you can just be done with it and he'll get off your case already and you'll maybe get a day or two without being asked to do it and give up an hour of time you'd rather spend doing something other than being physically uncomfortable. And yes, this does happen with loving, sexy guys who are trying their best.

I agree with the points beng made above. For those reasons, including paranoia and axiety, it's much easier for me NOT to have sex, and i'm much, MUCH happier.

I've had to blow a lot of money on morning after pills just for peace of mind. For someone with paranoia problems like me it adds a lot of stress to ones life.

If you live paranoid like that then it doesn't sound like you're very happy =-/