Accused of teasing men

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As an aspie girl, I don't really identify as I don't like touch (unless it's by an SO), so I don't hug/kiss people hardly ever. As a general rule, don't do it unless they are good friends. Even with friends I would be careful with it. My mom is an occupational therapist, and she has to teach her lower functioning auties and kids that are cognitively delayed to not hug, kiss, sit on laps of (etc) strangers (she teaches this to the girls) because they can be a target for assault and stuff. Of course what they're doing is much different in terms of social appropriateness, but it's the same general idea.

I do identify with you on one point though...I don't understand why you can't be friendly to someone without them automatically assuming you like them. It's like you have to be sure to be a little rude to the opposite sex (or whatever sex you're attracted to) or else they start thinking that you like them. Yeah, I'm attracted to guys, but not every single one I see! Just let me be a friendly person and if I happen to like you, I'll get around to letting you know

I realize that most women are wired differently, though (and I know I've said this before), I'd intuitively think being on the autism spectrum would kind of undo this, due to the fact that it tends to make a lot of women feel more like men in other ways. I'm really surprised to see how intact the feminine emotions seem to be of so many of the women on here--I almost cannot believe that an autistic, technical mind could so frequently exist in the same individual as a female emotional outlook on the world.

Though, again, as I've stated before, I wonder how much of this has to do with upbringing and having a ready supply of sex throughout one's formative years. Because, as I will say, my interest in physical intimacy with women (even that which may be considered sexual) does NOT go away completely when I am not physically aroused. I could be in a situation where I wouldn't get "hard", even couldn't do so, yet I still could enjoy touching a girl and pleasuring her. So I'd say a good deal of my sexual urges really could similar to some women's desire to just hug and cuddle, yet because I never get to touch a woman's private areas, I feel a need to do it.

I also must say I have fortunately had the chance to meet some autistic women online who do seem to be wired like a typical guy, for whom sex is a very important part of their mental health (as Chronos said above) so we can discuss nearly everything openly and understand each other. They are what I would have originally thought nearly all women on the spectrum would be.

And for the women who bring up pregnancy, discomfort, etc.--please re-read my parenthetical statement in the above post, the one that I said 99.9% of women would gloss over. You sometimes make it sound like guys aren't afraid of getting a girl pregnant too.

I've often been told that I approach sex like a man, but I'm not really interested in sex. However, I don't have a sex-emotion connect circuit. Sex and love/emotion/affection/etc. are pretty much completely divorced in my head so I can use sex as a tool -- that is to say, a means to please someone I care for, a means to attempt to get pregnant, whatever. It's like giving a backrub. I don't really get anything out of giving a backrub and I certainly don't crave giving a backrub. But if I like someone and their back is sore, I'll rub it for them. That's what sex is like for me. Like giving someone a backrub.

I guess that's pretty neutral an approach, and not really what I'm talking about as you don't have a craving for it. I'm talking about women who actually do seem to crave sex as much as men do. Though hearing about people such as you is still interesting, since it's another data point if you will.

And actually I'm not so sure I have no sex-emotion connect circuit at all, it almost seems that I have two kinds of sexual moods, if you can grasp that. One can either be connected with no emotion at all, or with passionate romantic type feelings. The other can be associated with emotional intimacy, but with me that's more likely to amount to friendship than what most people think of as a relationship. And it seems depending on the girl and my mood, I feel one way or the other. Though keep in mind this is in the moment of wanting the sex, and I do not know yet how I feel afterward.

Last edited by biostructure on 27 Jun 2010, 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Who ever said men are not hormonal totally missed the mark.

Libido is caused by hormones. Testosterone causes a high and fairly constant libido, which women don't have.

As the previous poster mentioned, women's libidos are cyclical. It generally peaks around the time of ovulation. So if a woman did happen to approach you for sex because she actually just wanted it, I'd be mighty suspicious that she is acting under the influence of fertility.

But this also means that you have far greater chances with her if you approach her at the right time of the month. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences if she does get pregnant.

I would have to deal with that.

Seriously, sometimes I feel that the best woman for me at this point would be one who has so little estrogen/so much testosterone that she never starts ovulating, which would kind of kill 2 birds with one stone, as I wouldn't need to worry about pregnancy, and would make her into a kind of pseudo-gay guy with matching sexuality. It might require a rare mutation of some kind, as well as a way for that to not turn her physically into a male. Though seeing the immense variety of human variability out there, I'm still hoping to find my needle in a haystack. And in fact the women I've conversed with who seem to feel sexually like men actually don't seem to really be that much more masculine than the average woman, in many ways. Which actually is kind of good, because there are many parts about typical femininity that I do like, it's just the low sex drive is not part of it.

Funny I'm the opposite way and have had the opposite attitudes. I've never been open to hugging or kissing. I'm even uncomfortable shaking hands no matter how nice I try to be. I've had many men and even women interpret this as me being total b***h or as*hole. I guess there's so much to social etiquette most of us are unaware of. I've actually had to be taught in my job as a waitres in how to say high, hello, and how are you? I was told that I sounded angry when I used my normal voice. It took me a long time to realize that women actually raise the pitch of their voice when being friendly. I had no idea and the etiquette of eye contact and facial expressions.

Anyhow I don't know where you live. I hear in some European and even eastern societies, it is the norm for both men and women to greet each other with a peck to a cheeck and a hug. Heck in India many men hold each other's hands like couples in public.

After seeing some posts about how some men will become ugly to a woman after she spurns his advances, at that point he just needs to take the hint that she doesn't want to have sex.

I'm rather pissed at these men, it would be nice if more women had this attitude.

But I can see why many don't.

It's a miscommunication issue I think. Lonely men in particular gets their hopes up too easily, and because friendly women are rare almost anything can raise the hopes if the intent isn't crystal clear.

Ah, herein may lie the problem. Many men suck at catching a woman's hint.

A man has two brains, the primary one resides in his penis, the secondary brain is in his head. If the man does not know whether or not the woman is hinting then the primary penis brain will override the secondary head brain and assume that she is interested. That's a defect of the penis brain, the penis is still a penis which means that if it sees a woman it finds attractive then it will act like a penis without thinking about it first. This is why it is of utmost importance to make sure that the man gets your hints either way you are hinting. Sometimes you may be hinting that you like him, sometimes you may be hinting that you only like him as a friend, but if he isn't 100% sure about the meaning of the hint then by default his penis brain will assume that you are interested and become irritated if his advances are spurned. Penises can be c**ts like that.

I understand your thoughts on the male type of mind and women on the spectrum, but my impression is that the model of male thinking has to do with a type of reasoning (upon input of data) rather than sex drive, which is largely physical and a desire rather than a method of logic. So even if our thinking minds and ways of dealing with emotions are similar, our physical experience of sex will necessarily be different which will influence our desire and how often and to whom we say yes. So, I don't think it's necessarily emotional, we just have different things to consider, logically. And in terms of being more thinking than feeling, I think that does lend a maleness to sex for the aspie woman. For example, I think the way I'm wired has surprised men in the past when I've not been interested in cuddling or talking the next day, or even talking about how I feel about them after having had sex. It does make for some good fun and I think that kind of thinking is why some aspie women seem to get along very well with men.

And I think guys do worry about getting a girl pregnant, it's just that there are the cowardly ones who run away who make the girl have to consider the risk she's taking. I've thought before, ok, what if this guy got me pregnant, do I really want to have to deal with him for at least the next 18 years...? It's just another one of the many things running through a woman's mind, aspie or NT.

Got me in social troubles in school, while I just wanted to be friends, and thought they wanted that too...

The accusers are rights.

You are too nice.

When I'm rude to men in real life, it's because of fear. In some situations in this day and age, women can't be nice to men without taking a risk. Being nice can lead to rape.

Men who complain about womens behaviour don't seem to realise, they are often stronger than women and that coupled with such a misunderstanding can lead to a lot of fear (on a womans part). Fear doesn't make a woman want to have sex (generally).

Why is it not a fair comparison? I feel it's exactly the same. A woman who is interested in being a friend with a guy has no more responsibility to have sex with them than they would with a lesbian friend. The man wanting sex doesn't have to interact with a woman who isn't interested if he's not interested in just friendship.

Oh, and about your reasoning for a guy to grope a woman, I view it to be insulting. If the woman says, 'I need this' to a man who also needs this it's fine (a mutual agreement). When a man does this without the woman agreeing to it, it is wrong.

Yes, I think there are three things, one being the physical drive for sex, another one being the level of attraction in general, and a third being the logic/rational considerations that go into it. I actually sometimes think my physical drive is not all that high, at least compared to most young guys--it's more that my tendency toward attraction is turned most of the way up a lot of the time, and I don't see much logical reason to fear physical contact with women.



I wouldn't say being sure one doesn't want kids is cowardly, I'd say it's just making a decision. I have seriously considered whether I should get a vasectomy (once I start becoming sexually active) for this very reason, though the thought that sometime way in the future I might want kids discourages me from that option.

And the point of the parenthetical statement is that one should not assume that any sexual touch must include actual sex. There are ways to express such feelings when one wants to avoid pregnancy. Because I don't want to be stuck with some woman for the next 18 years either.

I agree - I don't think it's cowardly not to want kids. I don't and it's not really that easy, as a woman to constantly have to deal with people I barely know asking me when I'm going to have them or why I don't. I think it takes a little patience, and in some cases bravery, to be resolute in your stance if you don't want them. The cowardice comes in when the guy gets the girl pregnant, finds out, then splits. That's what I meant.