"Longterm Relationships are not worth the effort"

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foreveryoung
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02 Jul 2010, 5:55 am

Men and women have different minds. Women want one man to satisfy their every need, while men want many women to satisfy their one need.

Say what you want about my beliefs and the beliefs of the guy who wrote the article, but when I'm in my 40s, I won't be stuck in some boring, lifeless marriage with annoying kids and a woman way past her prime.



sunshower
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02 Jul 2010, 6:06 am

The sexism in that article boggles the mind.

There. I've said it. So flame me.


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BigK
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02 Jul 2010, 7:22 am

I think that a lot of guys do want LTRs.

I also think that a lot are conditioned to think that they do by family, society, the media, scripture etc.

If you do not get married then you are considered wierd and in some cultures bring shame on your family.

People often do not know what they want until they have at tried a few things and discovered what they don't want.

LTRs are not right for some people but some of them are doing it anyway.


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02 Jul 2010, 8:26 am

Seanmw wrote:
Mehh, i doubt he knows what he's talking about.

& i for one, being a man who does want a LTR, am proof-positive that it isn't true for all of us.


+1



Celoneth
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02 Jul 2010, 8:33 am

sunshower wrote:
The sexism in that article boggles the mind.

There. I've said it. So flame me.

I couldn't agree more.
This article makes me glad I don't date.



dynastus
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02 Jul 2010, 10:04 am

jdcnosse wrote:
Seanmw wrote:
Mehh, i doubt he knows what he's talking about.

& i for one, being a man who does want a LTR, am proof-positive that it isn't true for all of us.


+1


+2



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02 Jul 2010, 11:27 am

AngelRho wrote:
Well, Hope, the sad fact seems to be that only SOME of us are!


Well, some is better than none! :wink: Seriously, though I think you make some extremely valid points about having realistic expectations of a partner....and that friendship really is the basis for a successful LTR. Well said, @AngelRho.

CJame wrote:
I've come to realize that some men (including myself) cling onto an unhealthy LTR due to the difficulty of finding a new partner. Due to the negativity experienced from a bad LTR, men can become bitter and jaded.

As a man, it is easy to overlook personality conflicts if the girlfriend/wife is beautiful. We men are to be blamed for choosing wrong LTR partners, and going "all-in" with an incompatible partner. It is easy to become lazy and settle for reliable sex, but after my experience, I would rather be alone than go through LTR hell with the wrong person again.


Very, very important point @CJame. Going "all-in" with the wrong partner can be unbelievably damaging to a person with Asperger's. Combine an abusive partner with an Aspie's lack of experience...it can take a long time before the Aspie realizes their partner's behavior is abusive - and so much damage can be done. Factor in Aspie challenges with inflexibility....it's difficult to heal the damage of a bad relationship. Try being the next woman who comes along....trust me, the Aspie isn't the only one paying for that abusive relationship.

foreveryoung wrote:
Say what you want about my beliefs and the beliefs of the guy who wrote the article, but when I'm in my 40s, I won't be stuck in some boring, lifeless marriage with annoying kids and a woman way past her prime.


I'm agreeing with you, @foreveryoung. I think you should avoid LTRs, because your beliefs are incompatible with them. I hope you have a good career and make a lot of money - you're going to need it in order to attract women when you're way past your own prime.

BigK wrote:
LTRs are not right for some people but some of them are doing it anyway.


I absolutely agree. LTRs are just not the right choice for everyone, in the same way parenthood is not the right choice for everyone. LTRs require a lot of work, and every person is simply not willing to make the effort.

IMO, I think the whole point of this article is to make a list of rational arguments against taking the risks of engaging in long-term relationships. The truth is that there are lots of risks associated with LTRs....emotional, financial, physical, opportunity costs, etc. If you're not up for the risks, you shouldn't pretend that you are - that only ends up hurting everyone involved.

But if you're honest about your relationship goals with prospective partners, I don't think there's a moral issue here. It kind of reminds me of Bill Maher's attitude toward marriage - he's not a fan in any way, shape or form. He doesn't want kids or marriage, and that's the way he's lived his adult life. Now Bill isn't a great looking guy, but he's a celebrity, with celebrity money, so he's able to continually attract good looking women willing to meet his short term relationship goals. So my advice to guys who want only STRs is to work hard and make a lot of money. Whether it's the services of an escort or the attention of a good looking young woman, money is what you'll need to make that happen.


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BlueMage
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02 Jul 2010, 12:11 pm

long term relationships are not worth it because men never ask for directions and women get teh pms. men are hunters and women are gatherers! men are evolutionarily wired to hunt as many women as possible. women like to gather one man to support support all ehr gathered chidren. women just want to get married because they are evolutionarily wired by the hunter gatherer days to like fluffy white dresses because they look like the white flowers and flowers bear fruit for gathering. men just get married because religions said so. /end whaargarbl



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02 Jul 2010, 2:06 pm

I very strongly want Ricky to meet the love of his life and repent his 'bad' opinions :lol:

However I often think relationships of anysort are not worth the effort but not for the reasons in the OP. I think for aspies the emotional 'pay offs' of a relationship such as comfort, empathy, sharing stuff, talking, are not so rewarding as they are for NTs. The NT people I know, love being round people, I can see it makes them happy, they phone people when they get in after a busy day :eew: where as for a lot of aspies they much prefer being alone, doing alone things and not talking and generally being left alone.

So I think relationships would have to be a very good one to make the 'intrusion' worth it. But I dont think it is to do with gender or men and women wanting different things, as all the NT men Ive dated have been just as needy and chatty and smothering as any female friends Ive had.

Haveing said all that, I find that the relationship with my boyfriend is worth all kinds of hell and crap. When he is absent my life feels grey and nothing is as pleasant, he brings with him colour and joy and a feeling of such aliveness. When I look in his eyes I feel so happy and understood and want to freeze time, as a life time, seems far to short to be together.



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02 Jul 2010, 4:25 pm

Seanmw wrote:
]Mehh, i doubt he knows what he's talking about.


Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about Mr.I-want-to-marry-my-girlfriend-of-7 months. Good ways to make enemies include alienating people you know very little about based on your very limited experience. I've seen both sides of the table and the worst thing a FWB can do is find a boyfriend or try to make you one. What a girlfriend can do is make you spend an evening with your face in the toilet (even without drinking), spend days unable to eat or sleep, etc.


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02 Jul 2010, 4:43 pm

sunshower wrote:
The sexism in that article boggles the mind.

There. I've said it. So flame me.


You're not even addressing the points. You're just using the shoutdown technique.



zen_mistress
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02 Jul 2010, 5:08 pm

sunshower wrote:
The sexism in that article boggles the mind.

There. I've said it. So flame me.


+1


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lotusblossom
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02 Jul 2010, 5:16 pm

addressing the points, which to most people do not need addressing as seem quite obviously rubbish :lol:

Quote:
1] Any technique of obtaining sex quickly, by design, selects for women who will drop their panties quickly. You are selecting for easy lays, as opposed to those with some self-control . If you can easily charm their clothes off, so can another guy.

I dont think this is so, I think men thinking this, leads them to chase women who dont really like them and so dont be very nice to them. I slept with my bf quickly but I had not had sex for 8 years so was clearly selective rather than an easy lay for anyone, I was an easy lay for him as I liked him lots.
Quote:
2] The best sex almost always occurs in the first few months of a relationship. It then starts becoming routine and increasingly boring, eventually becoming little more than masturbating inside a woman.

In my experience sex gets better with time as you both know each others bodies better and what buttons to press and you trust each other more so can be more open about what you like and less inhibited. Maybe men who think such things are ones who only find 'new fanny' sexy rather than all the other hundreds of ways sex can be enjoyable. For me doing it 'how I like it' beats novelty every time.

Quote:
3] LTR ‘game’ is a waste of time. Why expend all that effort on keeping her happy? You could always spend the same amount of time on getting a new girl.

I do not beleive it must be that hard to please women, only if she doesnt like you, someone who likes and loves you is easy to please as they are trying to please you. And if you are an aspie who finds it hard to please women then I should imagine you would find it hard to get fwb or new dates too.
Quote:
4] All the ‘game’ in the world cannot save you from the effects of job loss, unexpected physical illness, accidents or other stuff beyond your control. What will you do if your ‘investment’ is undone by something beyond your control? Do you have any insurance or recourse?

does he not know of the 'I can handle it' phraze, no one would do anything if they worried about the what ifs. I dont think a relationship is an investment, you dont cash it in upon death! Relationships should be an enjoy now thing.
Quote:
5] What will you do if the LTR leaves you, for someone else, inspite of your best efforts and ‘investment’? What recourse do you have? What about child support payments, the legal wrangling, custody battles.. and all this because you were trying to be a decent human being?

as I said its not about what ifs, its about enjoying the moment, if relationships dont work out, people can handle it, they do, and they can take what they have learned and have an even better relationship the next time round. Lots of people have kids and ex's thats just part of life and not that hard, certainly not worth avoiding relationships for.
Quote:
7] Women give the best years of their life to guys who use them as free CENSORED. Only after starting to age badly, do they begin their search for ‘mr. right’. Would you pay the new car price for one with 200,000 miles on it?

I dont think most women 'let' men treat them badly, but most people do learn lessons as they grow older and learn how to spot users and manipulators. I dont think womens value should be on their age or looks, my bf is younger then me and could have picked a much younger and slimer gf but clearly did not see me as such a 'bad bargain', women are not cars, they are people and they do have characters not just bodies!
Quote:
9] Even if you do everything right, your LTR stays with you and the kids grow up OK… Where is the appreciation for your efforts and sacrifices? You see.. it is your ‘duty’ to take sh** so that a condescending hag can pop out a few kids and tell you how lucky you are to be with her.

I think relationships are not about recieving appreciation at the end of the line but about giving and receiving appreciation and loving acts all the way along. Haveing children should be a mutual want and a mutual task with rewards and hard bits for both parents. I think the guy who wrote this watched his parents or others staying in abusive or negative relationships when they should have left. Some relationships being rubbish, does not mean all are rubbish and it does not mean that it should not be tried. The important thing is to pick someone who suits you who you get on with and not an abusive nasty person.
Quote:
10] What is your reward for doing the ‘right thing’.. or should I say is there a reward for doing the ‘right thing’?

you might aswell ask parents 'whats your reward for keeping your children' most parents would find that silly as they love their children more than anything and experience joy looking at them and being with them, they need no reward as knowing the child is the reward. Its the same with a relationship,sometimes just knowing the person and being in their life is a great reward and everyday you say 'Im so glad I know you, your great!'.



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02 Jul 2010, 11:07 pm

RICKY5 wrote:
sunshower wrote:
The sexism in that article boggles the mind.

There. I've said it. So flame me.


You're not even addressing the points. You're just using the shoutdown technique.


I honestly tried to, but there were just too many (thus my use of the term "boggles the mind", as this article literally did boggle my mind it was so extreme) and I didn't have it in me at the time to write an essay length response. So I summarized things. Fortunately lotusblossom has attempted this onerous task for me.


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RICKY5
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04 Jul 2010, 7:32 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
I very strongly want Ricky to meet the love of his life and repent his 'bad' opinions :lol: a


hahahaha that is sweet. You warm the cold black void where my heart should be.