Do you want to have a deep connection with other people?

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now that im older, yes its going to be a source of depression in my life i can already feel it.

but then i think, you know most people wouldnt want to hassle with me or find me too picky to begin with so that would probably make any depression i had about not being with someone turn into the thing that crawled out of the swamp to eat yer wife.

its just not worth it!

I feel extremely fortunate--I've made just a few close friends, but they're the best kind. We can talk about anything and everything, even the deepest, darkest, ugliest stuff; nothing is sacred or taboo. Obviously, I'm not going to post any of that, but just to give you an idea--one friend and I discussed how nice it was to go a long time without showering because the dirtier we get the better it feels coming out of the shower. The conversation was continued while both of us were in her bathroom and one of us was on the toilet. It's an entirely different set of societal norms, or maybe more of a lack of societal norms--when I leave my friends and have to talk to other people, it feels like putting on a powdered wig and corset getup like a Victorian lady. Uncomfortable, unnatural, restrictive, tedious. Who needs it?

Except for one, they all have or have had some psychiatric diagnosis or another, or would if they bothered to see a shrink. Only one of them is living a life that even resembles normal, and they're all enjoying it thoroughly and passionately doing their own things, in their own ways. I rarely see any of them in person since most live in different states now, but we've remained close via the internet. To be honest, even when we were living in the same city, we only got together a couple of times a month because everyone was so busy. When we get together it's like we never parted--same deep conversations, nobody gets offended no matter how bizarre or morbid the topics get.

I wish I could give instructions for meeting cool weirdos like these people, but to be honest it was just dumb luck, as one person introduced me to all but one of them (including my husband). What brought us all together beyond time and space is similar taste in music, books, art, film, etc. If you go to big cities, you can find subcultures of artists and writers and circus performers, that sort of thing. People who are more interested in ideas than in being one of the herd. Of course, there are the same drama queens and predators among them like any other group of people, but at least there isn't the oppressive compulsion for conformity.

There's a bumper sticker that says, "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." While I hope the latter becomes necessary, I'd probably be there with a carpet and cinder blocks if they needed me.

Not that having friends helps me with small talk and day-to-day social interactions. In fact, it probably hurts because it makes me more likely to slip up and say something inappropriate. But it keeps me sane, and my friends all have such fascinating interests of their own that it's like getting the Cliff's Notes for special interests I'll never have time to pursue.

when i "connect" with anyone it tends to be intellectually, so i'd say that always has some depth.