How not to come across as a stalker and a creep

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Firstly I would like to point out that this is not an aspie male problem. Its a problem for us too.

Some people I just can't get up the courage to talk to. I might try adding them to facebook instead or trying to avoid them.

This does NOT help. I find if you pluck up the courage to actually speak to the person, You will be treated a lot more normally. Its a lesson I still have to learn.

Even if you get rejected, they would likely still think more of you than stalking from the background.

If only it was EASY to pluck up that courage. I am embarassed with myself a lot of the time for the way I am, and its a horrible feeling when people think your behaviour is weird.

You know how going into a pool a first time as a kid... hard as hell, but when you're in, you're fine? The same thing really applies here. We are all too afraid we will drown.

Just thought I would share my 2 cents. Just wanted to let some of you know that you aren't alone.

Someday I'm just going to imbed a camera in my glasses and show the world the cowering terrified mess men turn into when I do approach them and they can't get away.

I've never knowingly been stalked, so I don't know how I'd feel about it. Luckily even the women who have "invaded" me (and there aren't many of those) have been very much appreciated for doing so.

I think the best way to avoid looking like a stalker and a creep is to avoid viewing the opposite sex as some kind of hunting ground, and just see them as people. I think as long as you just try hard to relate to them (rather than manipulating them or feigning great interest and kindness), everything else should follow naturally in its own time. Stalking and creeping are all about forcing things to fit some "I must have what I want, now" ethos, they're about crisis management and hurried, furtive manoevres. There's really no need for any of it.

I think what hale_bopp is talking about though, are people who like or have a crush on another person but are too nervous to talk to them. Those people can come across as stalkers if, for example, they often keep phoning the person thinking they want to talk to them but then become nervous put down the phone. That's a possible example off the top of my head but there could be other ones. Anyway, in the example I just gave, if they just had the courage to talk that person on the phone then there would be reason to want to phone again. Therefore they would also not come across as creepy like what would happen if they kept phoning multiple times.

Have I got it about right?

....boo!

I've had that happen before, been too shy to talk to people and they get creeped out cause they think I'm stalking them or something. It was generally only with girls though, I would get really nervous with them, with guys it was no big deal.

Eventually as I got older it seemed to get somewhat easier and I started having friends who were girls, and now it is no big deal at all because I'm engaged so I don't feel like any girls are potential girlfriends so the nervousness is not there.

I still don't like talking to new people necessarily, but if I have to for some reason I will just to get it over with, and it is more of an annoyance thing rather than nervousness. Additionally it probably helps that I no longer care what people think, so I don't worry about if they think my behavior is weird, I expect them to.

Also, I don't really get your pool analogy, probably because I've been swimming in pools and the ocean since before I can remember, so that was never a big deal for me.

Side note: I used to be very shy about giving girls compliments especially, cause I didn't want them to think I was hitting on them, but I have no problem with it now. For instance, I can say hale_bopp you are very pretty, which I thought the other day after seeing one of your youtube videos.

Practice your social skills

Read a self-help book on the subject

Go out with a friend/wingman

That's about it. There is one more popular method: substance abuse; but I don't recommend it.

Typically my habit was just override the urge - if I felt like it would go badly or like I had nothing worth saying to them I'd just shift my attention elsewhere. The hard thing about just seeing people at random and having chemical pulls is, while its great to know you have chemistry with them, its entirely useless in determining if you'd want anything to do with them, if they'd want anything to do with you, typically people need to prove themselves a bit more to me and by that time the ice has just broken through the course of things.

I'd say check into what kind of emotional/gestural presence your bringing with you when you try to talk to guys. There was a girl in one of my college classes who I'm almost certain was on spectrum, strikingly attractive, though one of the things I noticed is that she erred on the quiet side and seemed to project a lot of intensity. I know from my own experience that seeming to either blare off energy in every direction one second and then looking quite fragile the next is a side effect of feeling like your entire environment is pressing down on all sides with force - there's nothing you can do about it and it sucks, its very neurological/chemical for her and for me.

What I have learned though - it seems like the more you can keep small talk, make light of yourself, momentarily project that you only take yourself so seriously - the opposite sex stops hiding in their shells, its not the looks that scare them off.

WoW
..........and just when I was considering going back to the quack!
I think I'll save my money and buy myself a rubber duckie instead

Thank you Tech8,
You have brought light to many dark facets of my life - in half of a post.

This may be a little off topic but I psychically look like a creep. I had extremely bad acne problems as a kid & I don't make facial expressions the correct way so lots of people think I look creepy. Some people have joked that I look like a serial-killer or a child-molester. When I'm clean-shaven, have a fresh short haircut & I'm dressing nicely; something looks really off/wrong about me. It doesn't help either that I have some scares on my left arm that sometimes get noticed when I'm wearing short-sleeves; It's close to a hundred degrees here so I'm NOT going to start wearing long-sleeve shirts. It will cost a lot for cosmetic surgery for me to look less creepy. How do you get people to give you a chance when they have misconceptions about you based on things that can not be changed

My problem, while not quite that concrete, is similar - ie. stuff I can't help that's wholly physical/neurological. I think the best thing we can do is get into social networks, get enough people to actually know us, and get things going through the pipeline that way. Otherwise - if its purely on superficials we're kinda sunk.

I've sabotaged myself at least once in that regard. Nearly destroyed our friendship as well. Unfortunately, it seems like I've learnt nothing from the experience, as it's repeating itself again.

I have some disabilities besides AS that are making it difficult for me so looks are only part of it. I think I should try to find blind women & women with mental issues. I have bad vision myself & different mental things in the past. Wish I knew where to find women like that.

There really are women who are judged as creepy?

Yes, to me especially. There is just something about wanting to read all my emails that creeps me out, even when I live with someone

Yep. And its from NT men and NT women usually. It also depends on their personalities. Apparently I'm a creep for certain reasons to some online NT guys I don't get along with. I don't know whether my behaviour is weird or not but it must be.