Acting out.

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I need some advice.

We're having a really hard time with my son, Micheal. He's six years old, on the "high-functioning" end of the autistic spectrum, and in recent weeks dealing with him has become incredibly difficult.

His life has, admittedly, been disrupted a lot recently. His mom, suffering from post-partum depression, spent several days in the hospital last month, followed up by two weeks on in-patient services. Since then, she's had nasty mood swings thanks to getting used to new medication, and is only now starting to get back to normal.

His younger brother (2, almost certainly on the spectrum as well; we're on a waiting list for an eval), who shares a room with him, is waking up almost every night screaming because of his acid reflux problem.

And me? I'm sleep-deprived, stressed out, and a lot less patient than I should be right now.

So Michael's got cause for acting out, certainly. And he's six, which is reason all its own. But I have no idea how best to cope with his new behavior issues. He's being rude, obnoxious, contrary, and prone to tantrums at the slightest hint that his will is going to be thwarted. If we're not going to do what he wants (having dinner, rather than lunch, at his grandmother's house, for example), he'll flat out refuse, and say things like "You'll have to make me, and I'll make mommy cry."

He went to the park with his mom this morning and wanted to make a water-slide by pouring water down one of the slides -- it was being used by a little girl who didn't want her to get wet, so his mom suggested he use one of the (three) other slides on the park's other jungle gym. Not only did he refuse, but he adamantly insisted -- without any hint that he was trying to be silly, as he often does -- that there was only ONE jungle gym. Period.

She argued with him, saw the futility pretty quickly, and told him that he could either play on that jungle gym, or he could just sit. Which he did, glaring at her all the while.

"You don't like me any more. Why don't you just throw me out with the trash?"

"I love you," she told him, "And I will always love you, no matter what. But I don't like the way that you're behaving right now."

By the time they left, an hour later, he was all smiles again.

We hear a lot about getting rid of him, and not loving him, these days. And when I try to have a serious talk with Michael, he's unable (or unwilling) to focus for more than a minute or so. He starts trying to wander away, or change the subject, or start acting outrageously silly to distract me.

In the past, I've been able to jolly him out of a tantrum pretty quickly -- he responds really well to my own goofiness, and something physical like tickling him or picking him up and holding him upside-down. But that's not always appropriate, it doesn't work for his mom, and like I said -- my own patience is, at best, frayed at this point.

We're trying to get some stability back into our life. That's what he most needs, but we've got a lot of work before we get to that point. And while he's going back to school (1st grade! Hard to believe....) next month, his behavior during summer school/camp has me worried -- again, lots of tantrums, contrariness, and general misbehavior. This, despite his self-professed love of going to school.

I just don't know what to do, and his mother -- who is at home with the kids every day -- is not in a good place to deal with his behavior right now, for obvious reasons. Any and all advice would be appreciated; I just don't know how to get THROUGH to Michael right now.

Seems like someone (possibly) may have told him that his actions may cause a withdrawl of your love and care, possibly another child or an irresponsible adult (or teen). The fear that they may be right possibly makes him act out more and if this is the case he'd then get more stressed.

And/or there is the possability that a lack of understanding (on his part) of what is going on with the family and thus may blame himself for the family issues.

Or there could be a totally different reason.

Is there a way to let him sleep through the night? A lack of sleep can make anyone a little difficult to deal with. Are you able to get some sleep now too?

Welcome to WrongPlanet! Below are some suggestions:

First and foremost, you've got to take care of yourself if you're going to be a good spouse and a good parent. I realize that taking care of yourself may be difficult when there are sleep issues with the kids, but being healthy has to be near the top of your priority list. You're in this for the long haul, there are not "quick fixes" for all of the issues you've described.



Would it be possible to separate them or get the acid reflux treated? Sleep is a huge factor in behavior. I would suggest making solving this problem a high priority (i.e., how to get everyone a good night's sleep).



Again, there are no quick fixes. What worked for us at that age was to establish very clear rules and expectations, with punishments and rewards for bad and good behavior, and above all consistency. Establishing rules and expectations won't change things in the short run, but if you're consistent and don't back down, things will improve in time.



This is an attempt at manipulation by playing on emotions. Don't give in.



Good response, very similar to what I would have said.



All you can do is try. Don't give up. There may be certain times of the day when he is able to participate in a serious talk, and other times when he is more distractable. Figure out when he is approachable, and then have the serious talks.



There's not much you can do, other than: (1) Improve yourself; (2) Improve your relationship with your spouse; (3) set clear and consistent rules and expectations, and never waiver. (4) Keep trying.

Best of luck!

VERY NICE! When I was a kid my parents would give me a warning and then slap the heck out of me. I wish I had had the benefit of an adult who offered unconditional love.

I am BTW a teacher. I hold three degrees and hold dual certification as both an elementary and secondary teacher. I am presently teaching Culinary Arts to 8th graders as well as grades 9-12. This is my 29th year in the field of education and I've taught at inner city, suburban, and rural schools in Texas and Nevada. I've also taught abroad at private American schools in Saudi Arabia and Lebanon.

I am also autistic but did not learn this until 4 years ago when I was 53 years of age.



Uh ... where are you hearing this from? Friends? That doesn't seem very friendly. Perhaps you need new friends?

Avoidance behavior is very common with young children. It doesn't matter whether they're autistic or not. This is really quite typical. I wouldn't worry about this. You should instead focus on providing structure in your child's life. As a parent, you can help reinforce your child's sense of structure by being firm, fair, and consistent.



I hear you. The important thing to remember here is that you're the parent and no matter how rattled you might be, it's important that you remember to be firm, fair, and consistent.

So what about more traditional methods of imposing control? Do you have a time out corner? Do you warn your child and count to five with the understanding that if you get to 5 and the behavior has not changed, there will be a consequence? Do you take away privileges such as being able to play video games or to watch favorite TV programs?

Since I'm a firm believer in behavior modification, I should tell you that the flip side of imposing consequences is to also provide rewards. Rewarding good behavior will (in time) encourage more good behavior.

As a teacher, I've had class rewards with 3rd and 4th grade students. Students who demonstrated good citizenship such as helping others got a marble placed in a jar. Students who brought back signed papers from home got a marble in the jar. Throughout the day I orally praised good behavior as well as responsible behavior and would always give the student a marble to put in the jar.

When the jar was filled, we had a pizza party!

You might consider doing something like this with your son. Get a large jar and some marbles. Come up with a behavior contract. Sit down with him to discuss what he can earn marbles for and most importantly, find out what he wants once the marble jar is filled. Filling the jar won't do much good if he doesn't care for the prize. He's much more likely to work towards this prize if he really wants it.

As a teacher, I'd also suggest that you tie your reward system into your son's behavior at school. Talk to his teacher and see if she'd be willing to send you a weekly progress report regarding his behavior. The teacher will most likely like this because any support he/she can get from home is always appreciated. Good reports from your child's teacher will earn more marbles that he may put in the jar.



Remember ... be firm, fair, and consistent.

Related to this ... do you have rules and expectations at home? Kids (especially autistic kids) need structure. Rules provide the parameters that help to delineate what a kid may and may not do.

I've never been a parent but I've been a teacher for nearly 3 decades. I was an elementary teacher for 17 years. During my time as an elementary teacher, I found that kids bought into the rules much more when they were consulted as to what our classroom rules should be. Asking the kids to help with developing our classroom rules gave them a sense of ownership and made it more likely that they'd follow these rules.

Do the same thing with your boy. Sit down and come up with some rules. Post the rules where they're clearly visible. Make sure your child understands what your expectations are. You should also make sure that he understands about the rewards and consequences.



Hang in there. You've posted a request for help in this forum and that was a good first step.

I'll again repeat the mantra that I've often shared with novice teachers. Be firm. Be fair. Be consistent.

If you have other questions, please PM me or post them here.

David