I am not sure what's happening to me

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Hi everyone,

Ever since I was a young child, I always had a fear of or was awkward in social situations. Not just a little uneasiness, but to the point where I avoided eye contact and talking to anyone.

I never went to one high school football game. Never even went into the bathrooms at my school.

When I was 19, I had a huge panic attack (14 hours long) and thought I was dying. The symptoms from that attack remained locked in my body, and are still just as strong almost 12 years later.

I don't feel depressed, but doing anything is a chore.

I have sold pretty much all my possessions on eBay, just to have money to pay bills.

Just listing stuff on eBay a couple hours a day, plus going to the post office is difficult.

I will sit in my car for 20 or 30 minutes before going into the post office, since my anxiety is always through the roof.

I don't drink, smoke and have never done drugs.

But I feel like I have zero energy, despite being anxious as hell.

I feel like a complete loser because I'm not accomplishing much of anything.

But the fear of being successful (or failing) keeps me in one spot.

I rarely leave my apartment, but I don't think I have agoraphobia.

The reason being is that I feel terribly uneasy and anxious 24/7, no matter if I'm around people or not. However, being around people brings on even more severe anxiety, so usually I just stay inside.

I also have a hard time speaking, because I obsess over what to say, and how to say it.

Like, if you meet someone new, do you say "Hi, how are you?" or just "Hi" or "Hello" or "How's it going?"

There's too many options and choices.

Also, how do I coordinate my physical movements with what I'm saying? For instance, if I say "Hi, how are you" should my head start turning to look at the person (who I'm speaking to) while I am saying "Hi" or while I am saying "how" or while I am saying "are" or while I am saying "you"? Which word, or which syllable?

And then at what point is it okay to look away from the person, before again making eye contact?

It just is so incredibly complicated. I just want to be able to talk and mingle without being worried if my timing is off.

I find being close to people next to impossible. It's just really uncomfortable. At the same time, I want to be close to people, but I recoil so strongly that any lesser response seems impossible.

I have this constant tightness in my chest.

Have you ever ridden a huge rollercoaster, and you get to the point on the ride, the most intense part, where you couldn't even talk, because the sensations ripping and tearing through your body are so strong?

If you were to freeze the most intense part of a rollercoaster ride, and that intensity got stuck into your body, that's how I feel. Instead of the overwhelming sensations lasting 3 or 5 seconds (as on a rollercoaster) the symptoms have lasted almost 12 years, without ever letting up.

It's like my body is in a constant state of shock, since 1994. Not butterflies in my stomach -- I wish it was only that minor.

Sorry this post is not very well organized.

Even though I had problems socially before I was 19, it's like that panic attack in 1994 changed everything. I haven't felt the same since.

So maybe my symptoms/problems are just related to the panic attack, and I don't have Aspergers? I haven't been to the doctor for it -- not yet.

I am painfully shy. If someone moves towards me, to shake my hand, sometimes I turn around, and leave!! ! Everyone thinks I'm being rude, but really I'm just so ungodly uncomfortable.

If someone is going to hand me a sheet of paper, how close should their hand be to my body, before I start extending my own hand?

I can't just reach out and grab the paper, without thinking about these details. I should, but I can't seem to.

I also should be going to the dentist, since I have a tooth that hurts.

But, going to the dentist requires I meet new people, so I haven't gone.

I can't believe this thing has a death grip on me.

Part of the problem is that I despise change in the worst way.

I don't adapt well to change and fear it.

I haven't had another panic attack. The last one was more than 10 years ago.

Instead, I feel incredibly anxious 24/7/365. It's like my body never found the "off" switch, once it thought it was dying back in 1994. So, instead, I'm constantly being blasted with anxiety, but don't know how to turn it off.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I would welcome and appreciate any comments.

Take care,

Jeff

I also am fascinated by sounds.

Some days I will clap my hands for 2-3 hours at a time, never stopping.

I will study how the sound changes, while I'm clapping, as I move around my apartment.

I also could listen to a broken wall-unit air-conditioner humming all night.

Everyone else would just say "It's an air-conditioner, get over it." But I will stop and really listen. And I hear all kinds of unique shifts and changes happening.

In fact, I sold most of my CDs and, instead, listen to my refrigerator.

I also could listen to a cat purring for hours, and never get bored.

It's very bizarre.

Oh no! We all understand that! Unfortunately, the cat tends to get bored first!

Someone, I forget who, made a CD of cats purring. A 75 minute symphony scored for 11 p*****s.

Yes, I know exactly the feeling you are describing. I once told a psychologist that it was like the feeling you get before you cry. Take it from me, never tell a psychologist that because they'll snicker and assume you want to cry all the time like some wuss, not appreciating the literal reference to a physical feeling, not an emotional state. Yet another example where my literal speak without considering fast enough all the little shades of how something can be taken gets in the way.

That being said, that same psychologist did diagnose me for generalized anxiety disorder, which mostly hits me when I enter a large area, like a mall or gym. He prescribed Buspar, which did nothing but make me sick. I didn't feel I needed to continue on it and haven't for over 8 years. However, what you describe sure sounds like a deeper case of Generalized Anxiety. If you control the anxiety and still find a lack of social connection, it may be AS. But, I'm not a psychologist, just someone who went through a similar problem and did get diagnosed for it. Only a good psychologist will be able to determine if it is only anxiety.

This part of your post (especially the obsessing over what to say and fear of failing, I tend to do/have this a lot as well) resembles symptoms of OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder;
not the same as OCD, although quite similar (to Asperger's a s well). You should look it up.
I'm not an expert here, but I seem to display similar symptoms, so speaking from my own experiences,
it will probably help your situatiuon a little (dispite the fact that you may not even have it. )

I myself am quite sure I have Asperger's, but as I'm not oficially diagnosed,
there is always this doubt in the back of my head that it might be OCPD.

I had some kind of panic attack in 2000 when I began university and I had another bout a year or so later. I've not had one since, but I kinda mark it out in my mind too as something distinctive...that it changed me.

Looking back I think it was just a sign that I couldn't do something that everyone else did really easily - moving away to uni was beyond me and yet everyone else my age managed to do it. It kinda denoted either my difference or my failure :S so it stuck with me.

If you are Aspie - and I would get checked out - these things will stick with you...things take on a particular significance, the more you devote time and thought to it. We're obsessives...remember?

But it sounds like you're having a really rough time. I can identify with your sentiments about the doctor - I feel that way about the doctor, dentist, hairdresser (lord, I HATE the hairdresser) because of the need to sit in waiting rooms, talk to people, etc...

(Which is ironic because I work in a busy public library where I'm constantly helping people all the time without thinking about it...heh).

I run on mental checklists...it's worth (if you can), observing other people (non Aspie) around you and what they say - how they greet people, how people react, etc. It sounds obvious but really, I found it easier to build up mental checklists of how to deal with conversations etc by doing that.

Apple

At least you've got leap years.

i would probably be almost as immobilized if i wasn't taking drugs.

unfortunately, i now wonder if i ever will be able to function without the

medication.

Not as bizarre as you may think. You have a desire for auditory stimulation. I have a desire for visual and light tactile sensation, and only at times do I feel the need to place metallic bottle caps towards my ears and click them.

I also have a desire for vestibular sensation, and apparently some call that a sensation. I have a desire for movement and it can take a long time before I get dizzy. I usually satisfy this one through music.

- Ray M -

I don't know about cats purring, but there's this band whom I believe are or were from Italy (though I may be wrong) called Brume. They made a double cassette called Emergence, and it's filled with odd water-related sound effects, as sounding like water dripping in a sewer pipe with odd echo effects. It's extremely hard to find.

http://papup.chat.ru/brume.html

- Ray M -

All that could be any number of conditions which may or may not all be occuring simultaneously.

Human psychology is strange and confusing at times.


If you can, act in spite of your anxiety. The more anxiety you have, the stronger it means you are if you can actually get beyond it.

And if you can do it once, you know that you can do it again.


I'm pretty self concious myself, but I know that I can get around it if I choose to.

Your experience sounds similar to mine, but more severely incapacitating...though I did reach a point during college when I simply couldn't interact, to the point where walking outside at any time but the middle of the night would send me into panic attacks because I might run into people.

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and put on SSRIs, which did not work for me, but I have heard that they help some people with these kinds of anxiety problems. You might want to just straight up ask for anti-anxiety medication, at least to start. If it's impairing your ability to function on a day-to-day basis, it's worth going to see a doctor over. You don't have to see a psychiatrist, generally, just a general practitioner.

I found other solutions to lower my anxiety level that have lower dosages and do not have so many side effects, but I am wary of recommending anything that may be illegal, depending on where you are, to anyone when there are other places to begin. Regardless of how you do it, at least in my experience getting the general anxiety under control allows one to deal with the social anxiety more effectively, which helps all around because you aren't constantly ripping yourself to shreds over perceived errors or constantly rehearsing scenarios in your mind in case they happen so you know how to react. My Asperger's is definitely way, way more obvious when I'm in a state of anxiety, but I don't know if that holds true for everyone.

my hubby's Aspergerish-ness is much more pronounced when he has forgotten to take his anti-anxiety meds.

I'v been taking Adderoll for 10 years. It helps me focus on the bigger, more general parts of daily life. I can't drive without it. It helps me in social situations by reducing the anxiety I experience when I pay attention to everything. With the meds, I can focus on one thing at a time and that is so much easier.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to be off the medication, but since the side effects are very very mild, I'll probably be fine...if I can keep a doctor perscribing it for me. It's a controlled substance here and kind of difficult to get sometimes.