'bad' behaviour and reactions from Dad

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Yes, post incident breakdown is very helpful.

And I remember my mom all my life trying to explain my dad's behavior to us ... thing is, there was no explanation. He acted irrationally at times. Looking back, I am sure my dad was AS, but without any knowledge of it. He tried really hard, he just ... couldn't handle certain things well. Reading your description I figured your husband was kind of stuck being who he is while your son had some chance at doing better, so I addressed the later. It is possible that the only way to explain dad will be to say, "he doesn't handle it right, and that isn't your fault or responsibility, but at this stage in his life I don't know how to help him change." Also make it clear that your husband does face consequences for that, even if they are not obvious to your son. Kids need to understand that all negative behaviors do carry a price of one sort or another, even to grown ups.

As a dad, I can honestly say that I "lost it" with my Asperger son when I was at my lowest and he was "acting up" before his DX. After the DX, I realized that he really wasn't pushing my buttons, and my approach to him has improved dramatically as a result. Indeed, our whole house is calmer and we can work on the things we need to in order to help him succeed. Oh, there's still times when we get on each others nerves, but they are now few and far between, all things considered. Understanding is the beginning of enlightenment.

Good luck!

I'm heartened by that BB - but I guess I'm doubtful that my h will become a different person at this stage of his life. The best I can hope for is that my son will understand that his dad loves him even if he doesn't understand him. I would love for things to be as they are for you, I KNOW it would be nicer for all, but I can't make it happen. He has to realise it for himself.

Since the blow up the other night my h hasn't really spoken much to my son or me - it's his way of getting past it. It'll be OK, I am used to it and I have done my best to explain to my son that it's not anything he can fix either.

He went off to a doc today all on his own ! That's a huge step for him, he usually wants me to go too - just in to the reception and then he does the consult on his own - but today he went alone. He's very insecure about that stuff so I'm thrilled. He's neginning to take charge of his own body and responsibility for his health so hopefully that will be good for the future.

Thanks ppl.

OddFiction, I think your ideas are very interesting. Sitting down is such a useful point that could deflate various situations. I've already realised myself that i find it much easier to interact with other people when either they and/or I are seated. It seems to even things up, possibly because, as you said, seated body language is different, so perhaps other people do not have so many expectations of familiarity.

And azurecrayon, sending both parties to separate places is such a great even-handed approach that could also apply to many situations, regardless of age or neurology.

There are some good thoughts in this thread.

Education is all that really helps. You said you told him that "your reaction is wrong", but have you explained the reason why it's wrong? I would try to find something that explains why people with Asperger's would overreact to something seemingly inconsequential, and show it to him.

I say this because knowing the reasoning behind things that may not make sense to me at first really helps me accept them, and it might help your husband as well.

Thanks for that pat - I do try to explain why, but maybe I'm not doing it well enough. And sometimes I think he just prefers not to "know" anything about anything cos it's easier ?

I will keep on trying. It's important.

(I love your sig - my boy has totally ZERO rhythm too )

oops - double post.

Last edited by magicmum on 17 Sep 2010, 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think hearing what you're telling him, but coming from another source, would help him. I think I know what he might be feeling about it; he may kind of dismiss what you say as "Oh, she's just nagging again/oh, she's worrying about nothing" like I do sometimes with my mom. But if he hears the same thing from someone else, it's much harder to rationalize it away like that.

Haha, the annoying thing to me is I actually have plenty of rhythm, I just can't seem to get my legs to move when I want them to

I amgoing to try and get some books for my son to help him understand himself, and as an aside my h might read them too. Hopefully that way they'll learn together.

Excellent idea! I was also going to suggest having them sit down and talk about it, but the more I thought about it the more issues I saw with it. That could easily escalate into the kind of situation you're looking for advice on avoiding, your son might not really know why he does what he does, and if he does know, he may have a hard time expressing it.

Even if your husband doesn't read the book, it will help your son to read some. Speaking from experience, one of the best feelings I've ever had is when I read something about autism that describes me word for word. All at once, I realize "Hey, I'm not the only one who does this!" "I finally know why I do this!" and depending on the context of the behavior (is it something that causes stress, or is it just a quirk?) I'll think "Now I know how to avoid doing this" or "I learned something! "

Don't get discouraged, I think you're definitely on the right track. It may not seem like anything's different, but just by coming here and asking questions you're already closer to getting this resolved.

I Declare Family Movie Night!
Feature Presentation:

ADAM!
http://www.screenhead.com/reviews/adam-movie-trailer/

I am SO glad I found this forum. It's already helping. I have leanred SO much in such a short time.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

That looks like a great movie - I'll have to watch out for it here in Oz.

magicmum

I am so feeling this. My son's grandfather displays a lot of characteristics and seems to think my little dude's issues will "sort themselves out with time". My ex husband is undiagnosed asd and has some profound difficulties to this day around it (including not being really capable to parent or live on his own for that matter). I'm fortunate in that I'm not enmeshed with these folks as we live on opposite sides of a continent now (I'm in Oz, too). I wish I had advice.

A dx might help everyone. It has made an inordinate amount of different in our lives here just having my son diagnosed. I'm going for a dx in November. There is a lot more available as far as services and assistance for your 17 year old here with a dx. I'd talk to him about it and see how he feels.

Thanks for that ominous. I am being guided at the moment by what HE wants to do - having only just learned about Aspergers and all that entails for him, I am giving him time to sort out what he would like. If he needs to be diagnosed then we'll do that. If he's happy as he is that's fine too.

On the hwole I think we're lucky in that we are a very close family group - extended as well - who all accept everyone just as they are, quirks and all. A loving group. I'm lucky.

magicmum

You are very lucky and so is your son.