'bad' behaviour and reactions from Dad

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Sorry coming into this late....Im in a surgery and rehabilitation hospital, right now they are decided if I need surgery or if the PT will just help. Considering my doctor said I only have three functional disks in my spine not counting the artificial one that they put in while I still lived in the US....its funny they have been doing that here for years and have found that it causes far worse problems than having the old fashioned fusion.....so, this has nothing to do with the subject but DO NOT have an artificial disk put in your back, even if it is a study and it is free. Ive mad my disease and problems far worse.

Anyway to the subject at hand. I agree you son needs self soothing techniques which is hard as you are coming in late in the game because he is already a teen and in the "I dont need that crap phase".
I would have your husband learn self calming techniques too and if he refuses you can give him a shock. My husband constantly berated my son who had Early Bi Polar disorder (not the same as aspergers but we believe he had aspergers as well and he did have meltdowns when he was younger....he learned to control them with all the therapy I managed to drag him too....ok most of the time it was court ordered. My son had a serious drug problem. Unfortunately when our kids cant handle life they start to self medicate. I have seen many young adults on here who admit to "control" there symptoms they use street drugs.
My son was clean for two years and living in a sober living house but one night after going off his BP meds he used heroin again and he forgot that he did not have the tolerance he once did. His best friend found him dead on her bathroom floor the next morning, he had been dead 5 hours at least.
Feel free to tell you husband this story because in my sons NA book he wrote that the thing that caused him the most pain was the fact that his he did not feel that his Dad loved him and his Dad never told him he was proud of him no matter how hard he tried. He would call him useless and stupid and even once told him he was no longer his son because he had to go back to jail again. He never took the time to understand my sons illness, he just called him names and hit him. To me, that man helped kill my son and I hope he wallows in guilt!

Oh my dear, I cannot begin to imagine your pain.

I had a long discussion with my son today and i felt his - tears come to him so quickly when he talks about how useless he feels, and how he goes into meltdown because when his dad tells him he has done something stupid he KNOWS it is because he is. And he is angry with himself for being so useless, not with his dad for knowing it. It is just tragic. I can see how easy it will be for him to turn to drugs - he already uses alcohol as a way to "lose" himself. To become the life of the party, to be friendly. He told me how alone he feels.

I have determined to talk to his father and tell him that he needs to make the effort to recognise that this IS a real condition - if he had diabetes would we give him sugar ? if he was epileptic would be put him in front of a strobe ? It;s no different. He needs to see that the WAY he says things and WHAT he says have a direct on our child.

Re the self soothing techniques - he has been doing really well with that - just taking himself away to his room and letting the anger subside. Coming back when it;'s gone and moving on, it works fine and has been. He is in many ways more of a grown up than his dad. In fact today he told me that he thought his dad was being childish by not speaking to us. Funny, sad funny.

Thank you for sharing your story. I will use it with your permission. I wish it wasn't there to use.

magicmum

Thank you, I wish it did not happen as well. Sorry about all the typos, I wrote that at night when I was tired. I just hope that my son's story could help someone else, he would want that too. He certainly never wanted to die but he knew ever time he used that he took that risk.
Sometimes emotional pain can be overwhelming especially with the disease's (BP and drug addiction) that my son had. When he was little he was like a little rubber ball and he always, even into his adult years, very impulsive and still very silly. I miss him very much. He was a very difficult child to raise but I always say he made me a good mother because after all I went through with him I can handle just about anything. My three with autism can be trying at times but nothing compared to some of the things that happened with my son.
I still have some panic attacks but I think I am more gentle and understanding with my kids and I think about them and how they feel and how something that we think is insignificant can be very painful and horrible for them to go through.

1. Wow, your son is so much like me, but in male form and a slightly younger. My gosh that's freaking uncanny! Have you ever had him tested for a learning disability in his maths? I struggled for YEARS. I mean like hysterical crying, 'I don't understand/can't do this' almost every night. It was BAD.

2.Your husband sounds like my mum, she doesn't really care that I might have AS, she says it's no reason for me to "act the way I do" and I need to "grow up". I CAN imagine what your son must feel, and it's kind of like they don't love/accept/understand you,which feels unfair because that what parents are supposed to do (right?) but since you aren't fitting into the 'normal' mold that that they want, you feel like you're not exactly 'wanted'. It's kind of awful. You should let your husband know how much it hurts your son that he isn't supportive/doesn't accept him for who he is.

3. Find some websites, (like this one!) articles, books, etc. to educate both on the matter. It'll help. Also, introducing your son to a site like this where he can connect with like-minded people would probably be beneficial.

Also, it would be in your son's best interest to keep him away from alcohol, since it is technically classified as a "downer" and could end up making him feel worse, which isn't the aim obviously.

Man, I'm making myself tear up

This is a really good article on yelling in parenting. Perhaps it will help: http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/artic ... op-yelling

Thanks Bookworm - I never had him tested for anything. It doesn't matter to me if he;s no good at maths or ball games or anything really, he's wonderful at writing and spelling so that's ok. We all have our strengths.

I know that his dad loves him, he just doesn't really understand the issue. This time I have impressed in him the dangers of depression as a real possibility and the importance no matter what he is thinking on NOT pushing the meltdown button. I'm going to keep working on him, it's too important.

I have told my son about this site, he's not enthusiastic but I will talk to him again. He worries that he has trouble making friends IRL so I suggested online friends - and here is a GREAT place as he'll meet ppl like himself !

Alcohol is indeed not good for him - but if you can tell me how to encourage a nearly 19 yr old boy NOT to go to the pub with his mates I'm listening. I just do my best to encourage him to be careful.

I really appreciate your comments, I hope you;re feeling ok.

And thanks momsparky for he link, I will check that out. Things are settling again - as you all knew they would. We will survive.

magicmum

Just wanted to let everyone know that life is mostly normal again - whatever normal is. My boys are talking to each other, my son has a new phone and his dad loves new technology so that has been a common interest for them to share which has got them over the hurdle.

I have talked with my son about being careful with alcohol and he understands the danger when he's feeling low, he is going to try to talk to me more at those times - we'll see.

He's started on his English Writing for this year and he loves that so I'm hoping for a happier boy for a while.


Thanks to all of you for your advice and support.

magicmum