So how do I get a boyfriend?

Post Reply New Topic

I figure since all us women have spent so much time trying to give you men tips on getting a girlfriend, perhaps you men can reciprocate and tell us women how to get a boyfriend?

Yes please. I've had people here on WP say don't go looking for it if you are that's not right it'll happen etc. but it saddens me seeing hearing of my friend with her boyfriend and I feel bad why is it so DAMN easy for them! Sure I'm smart and can do well in college but that satisfies me just a little. I want someone to sure this with intellectually someone as interested in school work as I am (you don't have to be in school for a high profession but I can say Hey I learned X and feel good about telling you etc. Someone just as obsessed with schooling as me. I will not mind if you just HAVE to get that paper/project done. I don't care it's not due for over a month! You feel you have to do it NOW! So IMO do it now I don't mind. Sadly I question if I'll ever find a guy like that.

As a man, I'd like to ask you a question first. How do you see boys? You've seen all our misconceptions and odd ideas about girls, but there's little here of your perspective on us, and that makes it hard for me to answer the question.

A guy will date any girl that's decent looking and not annoying.

Interesting question. What I see of guys from seeing/hearing from my older sister/dad etc. Is the pick up laundry or he's very busy hunting etc. I expect a man to understand me and my behavior quirks. From what I see of dad/brother-in law I don't want a guy like them. My parents argue sometimes and I know I don't want a relationship that features arguments. I want to enjoy you and for you to enjoy my company. Some common interest would be nice and I'm open to learning perhaps trying what you like. Instead of say hunting season being a downer OMG there goes the husband off hunting again another weekend.

Also he seems to be in a bad mood if he doesn't shoot anything and yet is great if he shot something. (You kind of hate being around him if he had a "no kill" day). What I'd like physically sorry this may be wrong is NOT a guy who's fat IMO that creates a bad image for the girl. Perhaps living together would be a good option my sister/husband did this and my mom to a certain degree with my step father. Another argument issue (for further down the line) (marriage/kids etc.) I have my OWN bank/money account and PLEASE! Can we compromise on how to raise the children. I'm not having children with you if they are going to turn into an argument of my methods vs. yours. Yes I know I expect to much but I've seen arguing/yelling/child issues and I'm sick of it! Money my parents budget nicely so that's never a huge concern but the child raising differences are annoying. Perhaps I'm picky. I'll obviously never get a guy like I talked about above so perhaps I never will find one.

If you want to get with an aspie, the best thing you can do is talk to him. I met a girl on my way to my car a few days ago at school. I was getting into my car, and she sees me and says "oh, nice car". No, my car isn't nice, but it was meant as a comment on how she had the same exact model of car parked right next to mine. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes. No numbers were traded and it's not like it was going to amount to anything, but it was still nice to have said conversation. The point is, because she spoke up first, it was a lot easier for me to interact with her, because I knew with 100% certainty that interaction was desired. So if you want an aspie guy to make a move on you, he needs to know 100% that it's okay to make such a move. It'll take a lot of patience, but unless you get one of those aspies that is overly concerned about sex, the reward is well worth it...

That said, I'm clueless in the NT world, so you'll need advice from someone else on that matter. I would think that approaching the generally shy population could still make use of what i said, but then again it's hard to tell...

I find to be a very difficult question because we each want something different. I can't think of a single general rule that will apply to every guy I've known. But by the same token, that means the right guy for you is out there somewhere. If you're having trouble finding him IRL, you might try online. The ratio is slanted more in your favor and there's more information to screen people before going out with them. Just obviously be careful and meet in a very public place the first time.

Here's my best shot at a strategy for getting a date offline:

General stuff:
* Try to look fresh and wear nice clothes at a consistent rate.
* Be nice to your peers (behind their back and to their face) and don't lose your temper over odd things, preferably not over anything.
* Don't be too picky. If you have a long mental list of odd things that the men you desire must be, purge it from your mind. It's probably all wrong anyway, or mostly wrong. People in general do not know what is best for themselves, we're not any different.

Chatting stuff:
* As someone with AS I know how difficult this is, but approaching someone immediately indicates interest and for a man this can be a surprise.
* Give men you're interested in special attention in conversation with some signals like looking directly into the eyes a bit more often, finding ways to give compliments, smiling a lot, and laughing at mildly humorous remarks.
* See if you can steer the conversation towards him; people typically like talking about themselves and their own interests, and are flattered by the surprise interest of others.
* Ask if he'd like to go out somewhere; trade phone numbers.
* If you get turned down, calmly make an excuse to leave; repeat as necessary with someone else.

One difference between the sexes is that men typically ask out women, rather than the other way around, and may not be used to being approached. I think most men would be surprised by a woman approaching them and especially asking them out, but if done well it would be a nice surprise. To minimise the amount of anxiety involved:
1. Don't ask him out if he's in a rush to go somewhere or is obviously very preoccupied with some object (television, music, study notes) or some distracting thoughts.
2. Never ask him out in the vicinity of people either of you know.
3. At least hesitate to ask him out if he just isn't responding to the special attention you're giving him in any way - though if he has AS he might just not be a good communicator.
4. If you're meeting this person for the first time, note that strangers are more guarded in some places than others. A random guy at a supermarket may be more anxious or even suspicious than at a party, and may need a good conversation to loosen up. If you go to college, campus is a good place.

Online, women seeking men are at an advantage in dating sites. Have a good, clear picture of you where you are smiling, and an at least somewhat filled-in profile. Don't mention AS or any other sensitive personal details. Do not expect men to come to you (although they might).

Beyond that I have no suggestions; I'm not at all qualified to talk about how dating should progress into a relationship.

I'm not quite sure. I seem to scare off asperger's women when I try to communicate.
I thought I'd just ask one to be my "girl friend" and see what happens.

Let me remind you. I have AS.

So I ask again. How do I get a boyfriend?

Women with AS and shy people don't go well together because shy people are indirect typically expect others to read their mind. And if an NT can't do that, how do you ever expect someone with AS to be able to do that? The shy person also usually bottles up all of their feelings and has a lot of compressed anger so they either explode on people or act passive aggressive.

Thus, woman with AS + shy guy = very volatile situation with a bad ending.

I would like to know too. Apart from "have a hot body." Some of us don't have that option. :/

State of dress can be a factor, whether you are "hot" bodied or not. Dressing appropriately to your body type is sometimes smarter than trying to put "glitz" on the package. Watch the movie "lean on me" and note the difference between the chubby boy's appearance before and then after the principal speaks to him about it.

Confidence. Standing up straight and making it obvious that you are observing the world can present as being prepared for an approach. It also has a subconcious factor in that it presents you as a "healthy animal", appealing to an instinctive "survival of the group" (or in this case, union/pair) consideration.

Practice your flirting at the grocery or shoe store (or whatever interest / chore you feel comfortable at). Smile at the cashier or salesman. After you conclude the transaction and have taken 5 or 6 steps from the cash, turn and look back for a few seconds. If he is looking at you, you've done great. If he isn't, don't fret... see if he remembers you the next day that you go through his cash. And if he ever asks how you are doing, respond with something - "well my dog got into something stinky yesterday and we had a hell of a time bathing him, but otherwise life is great." - try to elicit a laugh. Repeat the "pause and look back" thing this time. See? You got him! Flirting 101 diploma for you.

The good guys will take a few 'flirts' to wake up. But they will.



Tell me if my "social observations and inferences" are effective, won't you?

Oh.. and once you've caught a guy's interest, and have decided you want him, start using his name.

1) Go out to a public place, in makeup, dressed nicely, smelling nicely.

2) Bat your eyelashes (no just kidding)

3) Several guys will approach. Pick one.

Really, for a woman it is THAT simple. Guys make the advances, women make the selection. You may reject his advances because you are afraid, you may ignore his advances because you are shy, or you may reject him because you do not like his appearance. But the guys will always show up, and you really just need to decide on a yes or a no.

Turn this around and make this topic about a lonely loveshy AS guy, and now you see why there are so many lonely men posting in this forum.

The male to female dating asymmetry has all been posted here a thousand times. What else is there to say?

Dilbert,
While I fully agree we guys have it a helluvalot harder than women in general, they do still need to learn to project some sort of approachability and (more than we do) health and energy. Some will also be more reliant on their actions and personality, because they don't fit the "social norm" in their dress or 'bubbly personality" (not really a personality at all), or maybe they don't want to be picked up solely on the nature of their breasts and thus refuse to dress for that crowd ...

So lets not downplay the ladies who ask for advice. They're probably the best selections if one is looking for a long term relationship.