Psychological issues as a result of HFA

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cnidocyte
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12 Sep 2010, 12:27 pm

I didn't get diagnosed with HFA until I was around 21 and up until then I didn't even know there was such thing as high functioning autism so that was never one of the possible explanations I came up with for why I was so different. I didn't really think too much of it, I just thought I was hard headed and did things my own way but over the years people were alluding to me being different and making it out like there was something wrong with me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I was just plain f****d up and in denial about it. This seems to have seriously damaged my self esteem and despite finding out that I have a bit of a mental condition that explains all my unusual behaviour, I never gained the self esteem back. This has all proved to be a blessing in disguise though because the more I realized I could never be part of the herd, the further I strayed from it and I think its only because I could never be "normal" that I can think as freely as I do today.

For those of you that got diagnosed later in life, what explanations did you come up with for why you were different? Was the diagnosis a surprise to you? I was sitting in the psychiatrists office and when he started telling me I fit the criteria for autism I thought he was insane cuz I only knew about extreme autism cases where the people are completely non verbal.



takemitsu
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12 Sep 2010, 1:00 pm

I've never been diagnosed, but I'm highly suspect that I fit somewhere in there. These are of the problems I thought I had:

mom smoked or drunk excessively during pregnancy
narcissistic
alien in human skin
psychopathic
a product of bad parental intuition, setting me up for life long failures
a person with characteristics that, when added up, puts me in a extreme catagory



buryuntime
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12 Sep 2010, 1:03 pm

Just "bad" and broken-brained.



Callista
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12 Sep 2010, 2:02 pm

I pretty much believed the stuff I was told--I was rebellious, lazy, strong-willed, too sensitive, and generally not good enough.

But if it makes you feel any better, I am getting over a lot of that "programming" and learning to use my weird brain to my advantage rather than just "trying harder" and burning myself out. So it's possible to come back from that kind of thing; difficult, yes, but possible. I've had some benefit from counselors and cognitive-style therapy, to look at different thoughts and check if they're realistic. It's possible to gradually edit the automatic thoughts to reflect reality rather than what you were told when you were little.


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12 Sep 2010, 2:49 pm

Very interesting. Before I heard about AS (and HFA), I had alot of theories as to why I was different.

Age 4-6, my father used to hit me, he had a strong religious belief (but according to my parents I rejected christianity as early as 4-5). My family was poor, uneducated - I was left on my own and created an alternative universe based on my (at that time) obsession: insects. I had problems with authority figures - and my extreme curiousity (and lack of understanding of social concepts) brought me into trouble more than once. At this age I started to realize that I was pretty much a lone wolf, I also started to notice that I didn't enjoy life as much as others (started having suicidal thoughts, before acting out on them early in grade school).

6-10: Situation at home continued to get worse. I started to realize how ignorant my parents was. I had 3 friends thorought this period - got into an argument with my first friend and we never spoke since. These friends enjoyed pranks, and I often blamed them whenever I got into trouble.
I started to attribute bullying to why I was so cold,depressed and shy, but remembered that I had always been this way - though being bullied made it worse. Teachers reported that I had a pattern of bad behaviour, and refered me to a psychiatrist. I always won dered why I had to go to these sessions. It didn't seem fair, because I was the one being bullied, had a sister who was very disturbed, a father who hit me.. and then I had to see a shrink?! My parents lied and told me that all the screenings was for dyslexia (because my mother had it, and they suspected that I might as well). This came to me as a shock, because I learned to read at the age of 4 and used to score very high on spelling and reading tests. When my parents brought me to a brain scan, I initially thought that these scans was part of some scientifc experiment and that my parents got paid for this. It also led to a theory that I was an unwanted child, and that my parents gave birth to me because they a) didn't know better or b) they wanted child support.

Age 11-13:

Still bullied. I managed to adapt quite well, however (so well that I was undiagnosed). Went from being a troublemaker to being doing great in all subjects. At this point we had a very understanding science teacher who allowed me to advance three years in math. Learned about AS, which did suit me quite wall. But rejected that theory after reading about MBTI and personality types. My sister was diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder. I knew something was wrong! I blamed her for my social flaws - because of all the she had done to me. My mother was a bad role model as well, being very self centered, dishonest, passive aggressive, emotionally unstable. I find it hard to believe that she ever cared for me.

13-15
No friends, spent my sparetime in solitude. Stopped taking part in family activities. Found out that I was very intelligent after taking an IQ-test. I tried to use my high IQ to explain why I was introverted and odd. But some pieces were missing. I was told that I had been diagnosed with AS few years earlier, but hey I was undiagnosed... psychiatrists can't be wrong, can they?

15-17: no more bullies! But I still suffered from the trauma caused by them and at home. My social skills improved, but I became more and more withdrawn. Until the point were I was rediagnosed.

19: diagnosed with depression, aspergers. Started living on my own, still somewhat depressed, still having some difficulties coping. But I've learned to accept who I am - though I sometimes wish I was different.