Lonely by myself but unreal around others

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nick007
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19 Sep 2010, 12:01 pm

I spend a lot of my time alone & I sometimes get very lonely & wish I had offline friends to do stuff with. But when I'm around other people offline even people who've I've been friends with a while I do not feel like myself. When I am around others offline I feel kind of I am in a alternate dimension/universe/reality & things are just not rite. The only time things feel rite to me is when I'm alone by myself but as I said I feel lonely by myself. When I'm by myself I have a strong desire for friendships, companionship & affection from people but when I'm around others I feel like I need to get away from em. Even when I was in a relationship; I felt like that with her. When I was talking to her online I wanted to be with her offline in the real-world but as soon as we were together I felt unreal & completely fake. As soon as we were apart I desperately wanted to be with her offline even thou when I was just with her I felt completely overwhelmed. Does anyone else have this catch22 thing where you desire the opposite of either situation you are in instead of felling happy & comfortable with it :?:


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19 Sep 2010, 4:17 pm

i kind of feel the same..sometimes reality seems unreal, and i dont feel like i am myself with others. I often wonder who i really am. And when i am forced to be only around people i dont know well a long time (for days or weeks) i feel like i have lost myself and i desperatly try to get out of the role i can't help to play. I really HATE myself when it keeps going on and on..and i can't get out of it and turn into me again.

Im only myself around my family, sometimes not even around them. I also want to talk to someone when im alone but when im around people i just can't say anything or even stay there. I just feel bad about myself if i can't talk to them or bad about myself when it turns out wrong.



nick007
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19 Sep 2010, 5:41 pm

I don't even feel like myself around my family. I never felt like myself around anyone except chatting with my ex online but that was it. I probably never will feel like that with anyone offline. I can tolerate being around others & make chit-chat & stuff but 1ce I get home & can be by myself I feel relieved. I feel like what I think I want is unattainable; I wish we had holodecks like on StarTrek so I could spend the rest of my life in one alone by myself cuz that would be the perfect solution


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Kaybee
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20 Sep 2010, 6:28 am

Nick, that sounds very much like how I feel, so it's definitely not just you. Even around people I have known and cared for for many years (friends, family, or romantic partners), I am unable to ever truly relax and be myself. There has been only one exception: my friend who is also an Aspie. With him, I feel "safe." It makes me wonder if perhaps I ought to try dating an Aspie.



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21 Sep 2010, 4:48 pm

i definitely understand this catch 22 feeling. for me i see it as a struggle of being naturally introverted against being a social extrovert. weekends, for example, unless im working or have a rare social outing planned, are hell for me. i crave for friendships and relationships when im alone and then when im around people or occassional new people, it does feel unreal for me. i dont know if this catch 22 feeling will ever go away. its almost like i enjoy being unhappy even if i realize it or not.



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21 Sep 2010, 4:49 pm

i definitely understand this catch 22 feeling. for me i see it as a struggle of being naturally introverted against being a social extrovert. weekends, for example, unless im working or have a rare social outing planned, are hell for me. i crave for friendships and relationships when im alone and then when im around people or occassional new people, it does feel unreal for me. i dont know if this catch 22 feeling will ever go away. its almost like i enjoy being unhappy even if i realize it or not.



Invader
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23 Sep 2010, 12:43 pm

I often get that same alternate reality feeling.

I think it has something to do with the fact that each individual has their own personal reality, they each perceive the world in a slightly different way because, as individuals, they all perceive the world from within their own specific body and mind, and the position of each body and mind is in a different location from all of the others. They often share many similarities, but each of their worlds is slightly different, for example, the people they are acquainted with are different, their roles are different, often their interests, values, tastes etc. are different.

When you are alone most of the time, you become very accustomed to your own personal reality, it develops more uniquely than the realities of others who are more often in contact with other people (and the realities of those other people), as they adjust to each other's perspectives and their individual worlds and tend to get used to meeting each other half way inbetween their separate worlds, and that middle ground becomes their main world, their main reality, because they spend so much time there that their personal reality can't really branch out and develop in other "abnormal" ways which differ from that shared reality. It's not really that they share the same reality, it's just that their individual realities have adjusted to accomodate the realities of others and have all become very similar, and not developed in very unique ways through time spent alone. Their realities have become so similar that they can feel that they are living in the same one.

When a person is not used to sharing their reality with others, and is more used to their more individually developed personal reality than the commonly shared reality which would seem to exist in that "middle ground" which socialites have adjusted to, it can seem strange to enter into that "alien" territory. When you come in contact with other people, their realities kind of overlap with yours, kind of sucking you into that shared reality which you are not used to, but which they spend so much time in that it's normal for them and is their main reality. During that period, your positions in the world become closer, you have to deal with perspectives that are different from your own, and have to figure out how to respond to them etc. or what to do with those perspectives, in general. I guess it's kind of like plugging in to "the matrix" in a sense, everyone else is already used to logging into it most of the time so it doesn't feel weird to them to do so, since they're more accustomed to that reality than the reality that you have developed outside of it on your own.

Sorry, I'm rambling, these are just the thoughts that crossed my mind to try and explain the weird surreal feeling. I've never thought much about it before so this is by no means a "developed theory" of any kind.

Anyway, I think the key to overcoming the lonelyness that this causes, is to either work your fingers to the bone trying to adjust to that shared reality, or try your chances at finding someone whose reality is already so close to yours that you already seem to feel that you share a reality with them. Of course, it may work better to broaden your horizons and aim for someone whose reality is "kind of" close to yours, as in like 50% similar rather than a perfect match, and then do your best to try to adjust your reality to accomodate the other 50% of their reality which doesn't quite fit with yours. In the end, the latter option will probably still leave a bit of the surreal feeling, but it is easier to accomplish than trying to adjust 100% or trying to find someone who already matches 100%. It's still hard work to go for 50/50 adjustment but it's certainly more realistic.

I'm rambling again but maybe you get what I mean.



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23 Sep 2010, 9:11 pm

Invader, (I'm not quoting because your post was so long!)

That's a very interesting and thought-provoking theory. When I consider it against my own experiences, it seems to hold up fairly well. And if you consider how many people profess a discomfort at being alone (or who avoid being alone but don't acknowledge the reason), it seems to make sense from this direction as well.

I appreciate your advice for overcoming this problem. It seems reasonable to me, and certainly worth a try.



nick007
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23 Sep 2010, 9:46 pm

Kaybee wrote:
Invader, (I'm not quoting because your post was so long!)

That's a very interesting and thought-provoking theory. When I consider it against my own experiences, it seems to hold up fairly well. And if you consider how many people profess a discomfort at being alone (or who avoid being alone but don't acknowledge the reason), it seems to make sense from this direction as well.

I appreciate your advice for overcoming this problem. It seems reasonable to me, and certainly worth a try.


Invader's post made sense to me to but I had to reread it a 2nd time because it was a lot. I tend to ramble to thou & this did make sense. I'm not sure I'll be able to find anyone who has a similar reality to me & would be willing to be with me because I've been looking for over 6 years & had no luck getting anyone at all. I'm givine up on relationships at this point because wanting one has caused me nothing but problems. I wish I could learn to be more comfortable with being alone thou


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Kaybee
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23 Sep 2010, 10:07 pm

nick007 wrote:
I'm not sure I'll be able to find anyone who has a similar reality to me & would be willing to be with me because I've been looking for over 6 years & had no luck getting anyone at all. I'm givine up on relationships at this point because wanting one has caused me nothing but problems. I wish I could learn to be more comfortable with being alone thou


I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I had some advice to offer. The best I can do is to suggest a healthy lifestyle--eat well, exercise, meditate, pursue hobbies and other interests. A healthy lifestyle can really go a long way toward helping you be more comfortable with yourself and happier with life in general. For me personally, I've been comfortable being alone for the past couple of years and am only now thinking of trying to change that (the being alone part, not the being comfortable with it). I hope I don't find myself a few years from now in a similar position to the one you're in.


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25 Sep 2010, 6:55 am

Sometimes its better to be alone, it makes everything easier although at an obvious price.



chessimprov
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26 Sep 2010, 5:14 pm

nick007, maybe if you find someone like minded enough for you on this website here near you, you won't have to put up that kind of a facade. Or at least keep talking online or maybe even on instant messaging if you connect enough with someone. Different friends for different purposes. The hard part will be if you ever have to invite all your friends and see them "interact." Well, then so be it. Life is full of surprises and risk, just do what you can to survive and help yourself.



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21 Apr 2014, 1:30 pm

wrong planet appears

Can only be myself on my own

Around others I struggle


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nick007
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21 Apr 2014, 7:09 pm

chessimprov wrote:
nick007, maybe if you find someone like minded enough for you on this website here near you, you won't have to put up that kind of a facade. Or at least keep talking online or maybe even on instant messaging if you connect enough with someone. Different friends for different purposes. The hard part will be if you ever have to invite all your friends and see them "interact." Well, then so be it. Life is full of surprises and risk, just do what you can to survive and help yourself.
It's been a couple years sense I made this post; I had almost forgotten it. I did met a girl on this site chessimprov but she lived accorss the country from me: I lived in Louisiana & she lived in Vermont. We chatted alot, met up a couple times & spent a lot of our time together when we did. We became a couple & I moved in with her a year & a half ago. I do feel like I can be myself with her or at least most of myself. I'm changing/growing/maturing/improving in various ways so I'm gradually becoming a better person. I get out alot more than I was & I still kind of zone out & detach when I'm out maybe partly related to anxiety but I feel like I function abit better. She's the main person I spend time with & I love being with her because I love her but I do think it would benefit me to have some offline friends; I don't even have online ones rite now. We do hang out & go places with her sister sometimes but it's not like having my own friends to hang out with & talk to. I never had a close relationship with anyone in my family including my parents & never felt like my parents or anyone else in my family got me so being away from them isn't that bad for the most part. I'm alot happier & feel like I'm a better person here but I sometimes worry I'm too dependent on my girlfriend in some ways. I'm not ready to go out & try to make friends thou because I'm not sure how or where to go & I'm not ready to get involved with anything rite now because of various things going on with me & her & life. I'm a drifter or tag-along instead of a joiner but maybe an opportunity would come up somehow.


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22 Apr 2014, 4:07 am

this is great! im so happy for you!
Don't know what else to say , i hope you keep growing as a person and feel good about life :)


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30 Apr 2014, 3:29 pm

Amazing post Invader. Sums up my experience really well when I interact with other people and when I'm on my own.