Writing Sample

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OK, so I really like writing. I am thinking of something right now (kind of like an excerpt) and I want to know if it has noveling potential, because it really sounds interesting.

Oh, and it's about a girl who lives in an asylum for people with exceptional abilities (beyond the normal things), in which she wants to escape.


"Aaaah!"

A silent scream left over from a nightmare, a nightmare which details are so gory that my subconsious spared me from reliving, or one that will be left out just to protect those who are reading this report.

Nightmares, you've probably had them, in which you wake up sweating and crying so much that you've lost bodily fluids, where your mom or dad starts consoling you, rubbing your head and saying the saccharine phrase, "It's over, it's over," contiouously, and, in an ultimate sacrifice to calm your restless body and psyche, they give up their time for passionate intimacy and sandwich you between their bodies, hoping that you'd be alright.

Ah, the lucky ones.

Instead of this, my parents sent me to this madhouse where idiotic employees and only the most insane criminals and freak shows reside.

The children are mad; kleptomaniacs and delusional kids inhabit the place. The sub-normal people, like me, are treated far worse.

The workers here happen to like pitting us against each other, just to see the blood and mutant DNA.

Which is why I won't scream.

I am out on my own here, and there is no room for crying.

Needs more detail. Like what's wrong with the main character. Why was she dumped in an asylum. What kind of asylum are we talking about: a new modern super-clean hospital or a dusty old prison-like institution where dried s**t and blood decorates the walls.

I think it has potential. If you're going to turn this into a novel, you're going to have to learn more about the narrator and what she is like, what her background is, why she's in the asylum, etc. Before you work out a full-length novel, try writing other short pieces of narrative with this character. Find out what her motivations are, what kind of person she is.

Crimson field, you are right, and the fact that you have all these questions is evidence to me that the writing is very good. This is, after all, just an excerpt, which is how a lot of writing gets its start. If the excerpt leaves you with deep questions about the characters, it's an extremely good excerpt. Good because if you have these kinds of questions you are more likely to read more (once more is written) to get the answers. The fact that these questions come to mind shows that even in this short sample you're already caring enough about the character and the situation the character is in to want to know more.

Good work KissOfMarmaladeSky!

I would only suggest a couple of very minor changes. "Aaaah!" to me, doesn't have quite enough impact. I would change that to "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" to put the reader more inside the head of the character. I realize it's a "silent scream" but within the context of the dream itself, it probably isn't silent, or at least it should be what the character is hearing in his/her head, or at least trying to express (like a dream scream you can't get out). Explaining afterward that it was silent kind of brings the reader along the ride from unconscious to conscious along with the character.

I would also get a bit more descriptive about the "parental sandwich." You've got a good visual description there, but I think it should get into how it actually feels to be coddled like that. Warmth, secure, etc. Know what I mean?

Then, once we've got the idea of how good that feels, explain with contrasting adjectives what the character's reality actually feels like (cold, naked, exposed, etc. you get the idea).

I would also explain more what you mean by the "blood and DNA." I don't think too many people are going to "get" that. I know I didn't.

I REALLY don't mean to be overly critical. It's really good IMHO, but you did say it's just a quick excerpt so I'm reading it as something that is intentionally very rough, and looking for the potential in what could be added to make it even more compelling. Because it IS very compelling as it is, but it could be even better with either these suggestions, or something entirely different.

Heck, you never REALLY know where your art will take you, do you? This is just a small sample of a short distance I think it could go.

I really like it!

I definitely hope you find the time to expand on it. I'm very intrigued!