Ok, wow, first boyfriend, help :|

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iHateCamera
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12 Oct 2010, 2:09 pm

-edit-

nvm, turns out he's not so nice, thanks for the advice everyone, though. (:



Last edited by iHateCamera on 17 Oct 2010, 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

Asp-Z
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12 Oct 2010, 2:17 pm

I think you should tell him about all your stuff, if he accepts you for what he already knows I don't see why he wouldn't do the same for AS etc.

Once you do that, he will be able to better understand your needs so you can both feel feel more comfortable.

No two people, even NTs, understand each other perfectly, BTW, so don't worry if there isn't total and complete understanding. But as long as you both become comfortable and things "stabilise" that's what matters :)

I wish you good luck :)



johnc
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12 Oct 2010, 2:33 pm

iHateCamera wrote:
I'm so scared that he'll stop liking me and leave when he realises that I'm boring and ugly and creepy.
.

Unless he's blind, he'll have already come to a conclusion about whether he finds you ugly or not. And from the rest of your post, I think it's safe to assume the conclusion is 'not'.



MotherKnowsBest
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12 Oct 2010, 2:45 pm

Stop worrying about it all and just enjoy it. :D



emlion
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12 Oct 2010, 2:54 pm

squeee; first relationships are so exciting!
just enjoy every minute.
i wish you lots of luck and happiness with it!

xo



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Oct 2010, 4:32 pm

Steak and -

Just start with the steak for now.



RyanS
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12 Oct 2010, 9:11 pm

Well, you could be open and honest, and tell him more about yourself. There are a lot of benefits to being honest in relationships, and if you're capable of admitting the truth to both yourself and him you should feel comfortable. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a try eventually. A relationship with a lot of secrets can get rid of loneliness in a way... but it's likely to have other issues.

However, you can try another approach. Keep whatever you'd like to yourself, and just appreciate the good things in life, including the good aspects of your relationship. There's really no need to be bothered. Just enjoy whatever there is to enjoy.

You only really need to be honest if you're making a commitment like marriage or babies. Otherwise, just try to let him understand what you want out of the relationship, and from there, enjoy.



Emeria
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12 Oct 2010, 11:31 pm

You can always be selective with what you tell the other person. If you aren't comfortable telling him about your AS, let him know specifically what bothers you. If you can't handle crowds, you can always tell him that you're introverted and don't like being around a lot of people at once. If he really accepts you for who you are, though, he'll learn to love those parts about you that even you don't like.


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superboyian
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13 Oct 2010, 3:38 am

Hey, you sound like what I've been through rather recently as a matter of fact and I like to say welcome to the love reality. :lol:

Anyways, all I got to say is that --- YOUR IN LUCK.

Since you said you was awkward telling him about your diagnosis, the best thing I can suggest is save it till you both are really close.

I managed to tell my side of the story but I didn't expect to get even more closer with this girl I have been on about for the past couple of weeks. (Check previous posts).

Maybe your story might be the same.


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Erisad
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14 Oct 2010, 9:35 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Steak and -

Just start with the steak for now.


:lmao:

Yeah, she can get to the second part of that equation later. :wink:

Chances are, telling him about your AS will just give him a better understanding for your behavior. It's better to have a name for it apart from "weird." If he's really interested, direct him to some articles or books he could read to learn more about AS. Hiding it from him won't do either of you any good in the long run. Just don't make a big deal out of it, it'll psyche him out. It's best to remain as calm about it as possible, you have AS, not a bomb strapped to your chest. I would go about it like, "You know how I [insert AS behavior that applies to you]? Yeah, I do that because I have Asperger's." You may want to just say "high functioning autism" if you have difficulty pronouncing AS in a way that doesn't sound like Ass-burgers because that's all he might hear unless he's already familiar with it.

Seriously, enjoy yourself. I wasted my first relationship worrying about every little thing and it ruined the whole shebang. Have fun! :D

These are just suggestions, do with them as you will. I figured I'd try to help by posting as much as I could about the subject. :)



Greendragon
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14 Oct 2010, 10:12 am

I'm so scared that he'll stop liking me and leave when he realises that I'm boring and ugly and creepy. I generally have no idea how to act or talk to him or what is the appropriate response to affection or how much time to spend with him. Stuff like this doesn't happen to me in real life.
I don't really know what I want to gain from this post but some help. Should I tell him about my AS or is it going to scare him away, or make him think I'm just too strange? And how can I chat to him, how should I act, or what should I say?
Aghh :3

-------------------
I'm a NT and have had one relationship with an AS in which he did not tell me ... I can tell you the confusion to why my guy was acting the way he does is painful and undermines the ability to build trust in any relationship. It is a struggle to understand what he needs because of the lack of communication ... actually it is a barrier ...

You are not boring, ugly or creepy ... and the first order of advice is for you to change how you are looking at yourself. Self perception is what you are projecting to others and the reality is you are just as beautiful, interesting and fun as the next girl in that college. Positive talk yourself every day and no more negative talk.

Stuff like this will happen more often in your life now that you are an adult ... men are now looking and will continue to look. This is your strength as a woman - choose who you spend time with because you are that special.

As for what to say about your AS ... it is important for the relationship to be honest... even a friendship. You want to be accepted for who you are ... not inspite of ... and AS is a part of you. This is the hardest part of finding someone in any relationship and honestly, Aspies are not alone. Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are ... even NTs. I learned in my 20's that it was better to find out early that they were not understanding or caring enough to see me, accept me for me. (I do have a label that raises serious red flags with every man I meet - Adult Survivor of Child Abuse). So you chose when and how much ... be prepared for the withdrawal and be glad that you found that one person was not the one for you ... because that means the next one could be him.

It is hard, very hard and scary but small baby steps.

You will have a broken heart more than once ... but it heals and you learn from every time...

You have already bonded with him so telling him will give him a chance to build your trust in him or show you that you are better off without him.

But you need to be comfortable with when and how much ... and keep in mind, if he says he is interested in learning about AS ... then help him learn, talk about your discomforts and both of you find a way to met in the middle so both of you are comfortable with each other.

A relationship is two people who talk to each other and listen to each other to find their way of accepting each other for who they are ... always hold hands ... good luck!

And now this is the mom in me talking: Be cautious. There are men out there who are looking for the emotionally vulnerable women. So go slow ...there is no rush in getting to know someone ... seriously ...

And if you enjoy reading maybe picking up a Comos or book on relationships can help you become a little more sure of yourself ... just a thought if you don't have a mom or best friend to talk to ... never hurts to learn ...


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