aspie women & relationships - our struggles

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bee33
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10 Nov 2010, 6:44 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Zoma wrote:
I always wondered why people girls needed make up and stuff to look good. after all eventually when you get married you have to get used to each other's natural sexiness. also don't worry someone will love you for who you really are someday. they will meet you and find you.

i wear makeup because apparently i look better with it on. i also have fun applying it - i am an artist and it's a form of art. lastly, people treat me better and give me more attention when i am wearing it. if i want to disappear into the crowd, i don't wear it. if i want to stand out, i put it on.

I think I can see both sides of this. I don't own any makeup and have never worn any except on rare occasions. I think I just have no idea how to apply it. With make up on I feel like I look like one of the guys from Monty Python when they dress up like women. :) I have had two long term relationships (14 years and 10 years) and I wasn't wearing any make up when I met the men or throughout the relationships, so I don't think you need make up or to look like the accepted norm when you are only trying to attract a specific person. I've also been biased against make up because in the circles I moved in (artists and lefty/anarchists) it wasn't used and was considered sort of bourgeois or mainstream or whatever. But now that I am alone again and don't look particularly good at 46, I am thinking I should give it another try to fit in. But like many Aspies, I find it very awkward and a bit of an unknown.

I'm not sure exactly what my point is... :?



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10 Nov 2010, 7:08 pm

Not about makeup (I wear a little bit) but as to the opening topic, I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how". I am 53 and I have had one relationship that lasted more than a week or two. I never had an instinct for these things and I've spent as least as much time running away from them as I have been unceremoniously dumped. It took me a long while to realize I was unconsciously seeking out emotionally unavailable men because I was afraid of losing my solitude in a relationship. I was also afraid there would be a social expectation as a partner that I could not fulfill. In my mind relationships equal conflict. I have a son from my one relationship and yes we have conflicts but being parent/child there is a bond there that supersedes the conflict and I guess I never thought I could find someone I could have that level of trust with. I was always hoping someone good and patient and kind would come along and see through my fears and gain my trust without overwhelming me but it never happened. I know I'm screwed up so I'm no longer out there trying.



katzefrau
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11 Nov 2010, 12:05 am

Aimless wrote:
I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how".


that's a good summary. now i feel i've wasted words.


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11 Nov 2010, 5:25 am

katzefrau wrote:
Aimless wrote:
I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how".


that's a good summary. now i feel i've wasted words.

Well, thanks for responding, I was feeling uber lame. It seems like most if you had the courage to at least try. I think it's just beyond me. There must be a reason why, even if someone I'm attracted to responds, that I feel like I'm losing air and panic. I really think it's fear of losing me. No doubt I've got some warped ideas along the line.



musicboxforever
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11 Nov 2010, 9:49 am

Aimless wrote:
was also afraid there would be a social expectation as a partner that I could not fulfill. In my mind relationships equal conflict.


That's how I feel. I dislike new situations in general. I like to know exactly what is going to happen and how I ought to behave. I suppose it could be said that I should just jump in feet first and go for it. Find someone I like and try and make it work. But my fear is that I might accidentally hurt someone I really like because I don't know what I'm meant to do and I can't really have a practice boyfried because what if he liked me more than I liked him and he was gutted to find out I was only practicing at how to behave with him, so that I could move on to someone I actually fancied. You can't do that to someone. T'is difficult.



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11 Nov 2010, 11:23 am

musicboxforever wrote:
Aimless wrote:
was also afraid there would be a social expectation as a partner that I could not fulfill. In my mind relationships equal conflict.


That's how I feel. I dislike new situations in general. I like to know exactly what is going to happen and how I ought to behave. I suppose it could be said that I should just jump in feet first and go for it. Find someone I like and try and make it work. But my fear is that I might accidentally hurt someone I really like because I don't know what I'm meant to do and I can't really have a practice boyfried because what if he liked me more than I liked him and he was gutted to find out I was only practicing at how to behave with him, so that I could move on to someone I actually fancied. You can't do that to someone. T'is difficult.


Exactly. I was never one for being with someone just for the sake of being part of a couple. A lot of people do that though. Some suffer greatly and some just let it roll off their back and move on to the next one. Sometimes I think I avoid relationships because i want to avoid the breakup trauma.



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11 Nov 2010, 11:37 am

Aimless wrote:
Not about makeup (I wear a little bit) but as to the opening topic, I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how". I am 53 and I have had one relationship that lasted more than a week or two. I never had an instinct for these things and I've spent as least as much time running away from them as I have been unceremoniously dumped. It took me a long while to realize I was unconsciously seeking out emotionally unavailable men because I was afraid of losing my solitude in a relationship. I was also afraid there would be a social expectation as a partner that I could not fulfill. In my mind relationships equal conflict. I have a son from my one relationship and yes we have conflicts but being parent/child there is a bond there that supersedes the conflict and I guess I never thought I could find someone I could have that level of trust with. I was always hoping someone good and patient and kind would come along and see through my fears and gain my trust without overwhelming me but it never happened. I know I'm screwed up so I'm no longer out there trying.

i can see a great deal of thought and introspection went into your words, and really appreciate that you shared all of this with us. your perspective shows a lot of self-knowledge, and i think you have a expressed some important ideas. if you ever decide to return to the world of dating i can see quite clearly that you have a lot to offer. but none of us can really say what would be best for another person, so i respect your decision to opt out of finding that special someone.

your explanation of your own tendencies provides some very valuable information though - probably a lot of us have done some of the same things, so it is really helpful to hear your perspectives on that. thank you.


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11 Nov 2010, 11:41 am

There's also the basic fact that most of the time I just couldn't be bothered with the effort it takes to interact with others.



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11 Nov 2010, 12:17 pm

^^True that. Thanks for the thoughts hyperlexian. I think I probably contradicted myself a few times but I guess I feel many different ways about the issue. At least I stopped blaming men and realized it was my own issues that were the matter. I don't feel any particular desire for a relationship these days. I don't think I have the emotional fortitude for it. I think I told myself I wanted a relationship because I was conditioned by society to expect one. I've watched my brother's marriage end after 26 years and then my sister's after 32 years and now presently another brother's marriage is on the fritz after 35 years so there's no lifetime guarantee anyway you look at it.



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12 Nov 2010, 6:25 pm

First I wanna say I love this topic & relate to many of the posts.

To add my own unique struggles: I find that I never fall in love with people, I just fall in love with their creations. Whether that be photographs, art, writings, music, or just an image they've created of themselves.

From the time I was a toddler, I was obsessed with creating. Then I became what's known as a "shadow artist" -- someone who doesn't feel confident in their own creative potential, so they date people they feel are more capable of creating, and put all their energy into supporting that person & their art. I know that's not an AS thing, but I let my special interests rule my life to the point that I will date someone based on them rather than because of that person as a human being. So my relationships are very superficial.

Also, due to this & me wanting lots of alone time, I've never wanted to be anyone's gf. But I have spent all of my adulthood in committed long-term relationships because it's the expected & socially acceptable thing to do. It's "normal." I am only now learning to say F that, and enjoy being a single woman.

I find that I really, really love sex. The sensations of it. I am fixated on it. In fact, I constantly masturbate as a way of stimming. So when I am dating someone, I don't see them as a person. I see them as a means to have sex. They get very offended by this. You'd think it'd be every man's fantasy, but it's not. They start to feel used by me. Especially since I hate kissing and small talk about how their day went.



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12 Nov 2010, 9:31 pm

My biggest problem is not being able to diffrentiate true feelings for someone versus a need for social companionship/interaction.

I also have a bad habit of getting into a relationship and riding it out instead of taking heed of the warning signs that I'm about to get hurt...or that I really dont care about the relationship and that is gonna be figured out by the guy.

I'm also a commitment phobe. No guy would be able to tolerate my lifestyle as I tend to be incredibly careless and only cleaning up after myself when I feel like it...also communication problems.

And oh yeah...there's also this tendency I have to attract guys who only like me for the sake of them wanting to be in ANY relationship as opposed to liking the person that I am.

Probably more but I cant think of it.

I am actually gonna start a thread about the whole differentiating from feelings here in a sec.



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12 Nov 2010, 9:57 pm

Regarding makeup - I agree with Hyperlexian. It's like art. I enjoy putting it on, I like the textures, the contrasts, etc. When I was little, one of the things I used to collect was lipstick. I had as many tubes as I could steal and i kept them in a pile under the bed. I hope they remember to put lipstick on me at my funeral - because it's not me without it. :P

On the OP though, the hardest part about relationship stuff is people expecting me to do all the normal GF or wife stuff. Especially in wife territory, social expectations come into play, from small interactions to filling the role of mother which I resent.

Everyone it seems wants to have a say in what I do with my uterus. Even people at work who I don't even like ask me very personal questions about my plans for having kids or not. It makes me feel almost violent at times. That's one of my biggest relationship issues. There's a lot of pressure to fill the standard woman role to its fullest and I suck even at the simple stuff.

If I were a more outgoing wife I think I could have helped my husband more in his career which in turn would help me.



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13 Nov 2010, 12:28 pm

TiaMaria wrote:
To add my own unique struggles: I find that I never fall in love with people, I just fall in love with their creations. Whether that be photographs, art, writings, music, or just an image they've created of themselves.

i think i understand this, maybe. tell me if i'm on the wrong track. i am a sort of cheerleader for other people in real life because i see the things in them that are so special, like their artistic creations. i also get a crush on them for their creations (or i may, *cough* :oops: , find certain special interests like CockneyRebel's kind of beautiful). do you have difficulty in handling people romantically when you get to know them really well?

TiaMaria wrote:
Also, due to this & me wanting lots of alone time, I've never wanted to be anyone's gf. But I have spent all of my adulthood in committed long-term relationships because it's the expected & socially acceptable thing to do. It's "normal." I am only now learning to say F that, and enjoy being a single woman.

that's great! i really admire your attitude.

TiaMaria wrote:
I find that I really, really love sex. The sensations of it. I am fixated on it. In fact, I constantly masturbate as a way of stimming. So when I am dating someone, I don't see them as a person. I see them as a means to have sex. They get very offended by this. You'd think it'd be every man's fantasy, but it's not. They start to feel used by me. Especially since I hate kissing and small talk about how their day went.

i think that many men on really, really need to understand your experience of difficulty in this regard.


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13 Nov 2010, 12:33 pm

raisedbyignorance wrote:
My biggest problem is not being able to diffrentiate true feelings for someone versus a need for social companionship/interaction.

I also have a bad habit of getting into a relationship and riding it out instead of taking heed of the warning signs that I'm about to get hurt...or that I really dont care about the relationship and that is gonna be figured out by the guy.

I'm also a commitment phobe. No guy would be able to tolerate my lifestyle as I tend to be incredibly careless and only cleaning up after myself when I feel like it...also communication problems.

And oh yeah...there's also this tendency I have to attract guys who only like me for the sake of them wanting to be in ANY relationship as opposed to liking the person that I am.

Probably more but I cant think of it.

I am actually gonna start a thread about the whole differentiating from feelings here in a sec.

i am totally going to check out that thread!

i don't clean up too much either. i honestly don't care that much about dirt and mess, though i admit to working at making sure i don't get bugs in the pantry.

are you happy with your current state of life or do you still actively seek relationships?


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13 Nov 2010, 12:41 pm

happymusic wrote:
On the OP though, the hardest part about relationship stuff is people expecting me to do all the normal GF or wife stuff. Especially in wife territory, social expectations come into play, from small interactions to filling the role of mother which I resent.

Everyone it seems wants to have a say in what I do with my uterus. Even people at work who I don't even like ask me very personal questions about my plans for having kids or not. It makes me feel almost violent at times. That's one of my biggest relationship issues. There's a lot of pressure to fill the standard woman role to its fullest and I suck even at the simple stuff.

If I were a more outgoing wife I think I could have helped my husband more in his career which in turn would help me.

i don't fulfill the supporter role very well. i've never been the best wife for my husband in that way either. i get confused by expectations, and my in-laws don't understand my lack of comprehension. my mother-in-law worked full-time (occasionally part-time, but not usually) and still did all of the cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc. so did my own mother.

my father was probably an aspie, and my mother was considering embarking on a professional career. one of the reasons she did not pursue the career is because my father could never be the sort of put-together, supportive, charming, sociable spouse that she felt she needed at professional events. i am like my dad. at my husband's university convocation i had a big wet stain on the front of my dress and i didn't talk to any of his friends. and my 5-year-old child had an easier time sitting still during the ceremony!


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TiaMaria
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13 Nov 2010, 1:22 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
do you have difficulty in handling people romantically when you get to know them really well?


Yes, I get incredibly bored/turned off by people once I get to know them well. This doesn't hurt my friendships at all because they were never about lust or passion in the first place, but it hurts my romantic involvement. Because I "love" with my head, not with my heart. I am infatuated by people's artistic creations or ideas, and once I lose interest in those things and become more fixated on someone else's creations or ideas, I lose all attraction for that person. I have an easy time forming close bonds to people I'm platonic with, but not those I become sexually involved with, because it's always for such shallow reasons.