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foobabe
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10 Nov 2010, 2:54 am

HI folks

I am new here - so apologies if my query has been addressed in another thread. :oops:

In a nutshell, my 11 year old is always making inappropriate comments in school, in the corridor, in the classroom. Out loud and under her breath. The school isn't too happy as it is distracting and frankly rude. We are trying ABA and positive reinforcement but it is still happening.

I have told her think before you speak, used social stories, think to of other peoples feelings etc... - but its just not going in - Has anyone experience of this - Any ideas?

Thanks
x



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10 Nov 2010, 9:49 am

I don;t really have any advice. I'm fairly new to all this.

I've also tried to explain to my 10 year old about his inappropriate comments. He recently commented on our neighbours sweaty shiny appearance, we don;t know him very well, and he was very embarrassed. My son said he was just checking that the guy didn;t have a fever, and wanted to check he was ok!!
He also told my friend the same night that she ''should do something about those desperate bags under your eyes''! ! Thankfully she knows what hes like and thanked him for his advice.



alienmom
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10 Nov 2010, 11:59 am

I can relate to this. Children with AS Lack a filter between their mouth and their brain. It's the nature of the disorder. You can't really punish them, because they really can't help it. But they can learn over time that in certain situations it is not appropriate to make what we (NT) see as inappropriate comments. My son will probably always have this problem but he has learned better control over time with just talking to him. And yes having the same conversation over and over again. When we are in a situation that I know he wants to make a comment but doesn't. I always pull him a side and tell him I was proud of him. In some situations he will wait and ask questions in private now. This helps him process the situation better.



aurea
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10 Nov 2010, 9:05 pm

In my opinion telling a child on the spectrum "to think before you speak" isn't going to work. These kids do think before they speak, that's why they say exactly whats on their mind, with no filters. It's all part and parcel of having AS, the complete honesty of opinions, not being able to always pick up on facial ques and body language and unspoken social rules. Not being able to put them selves in someone else's shoes.
Getting upset with the child isn't helping, they don't know what they've done wrong. You need to be patient and explain to the child why she can't just blurt things out, even if they are honest things. Saying a child on the spectrum is rude, in my opinion shows a lack of understanding for that child and the nature of the spectrum. Please don't take offense, it takes a long time to understand and come to grips with it all.
School need to stop being annoyed and start helping your child. They can provide stratergies to help her stop calling out when it's inappropriate ( maybe que cards) They can write up some social stories to try and help her understand that what ever she said or did wasn't appropriate. She should be working with a speechie to help her.

This is all just my opinion, I'm sure others have lots of advice for you. Please though don't get cross with her, find a way to help her express herself without upseting to many others. You are her safety net, she doesn't need you upset with her to. :)



foobabe
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11 Nov 2010, 9:06 am

I know that she is just being herself and totally honest about things, and yes that is a good thing, however it is leaving her open to criticism from both peers and teachers alike. I just want to protect her and help the school experience go a little easier - they are making a big issue of it

Its difficult when I get phone calls beacuse she has been calling teachers names (she can't keep up and gets frustrated when rushed) or says negatve things about school or herself - I am so stupid, I need punished, I wish I could blow the school up. The school thought she might be drepressed but we had her seen by a psychologist last year who explained its all to do with AS rigid thinking and unable to express herself better.



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11 Nov 2010, 9:13 am

I have these issues too with my son. He hates school. Hes always upset in school and getting into trouble and not understanding why. He says they say hes rude and impolite and disrespectful and have threatened him with suspension. He hasn;t got a clue what hes saying or doing to annoy them. Hes only 10. School have obviously no knowledge of AS or how to deal with kids that are suffering like this. I do explain, and he ''gets'' it til the next time...



psychohist
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11 Nov 2010, 1:27 pm

foobabe wrote:
Its difficult when I get phone calls beacuse she has been calling teachers names (she can't keep up and gets frustrated when rushed) or says negatve things about school or herself - I am so stupid, I need punished, I wish I could blow the school up.

Is she allowed to ask the teacher to slow down if she can't keep up? If so, perhaps you could suggest that she do this, with examples of what to say - things like, "excuse me, but I didn't quite catch that, could you explain that again please?"



aurea
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11 Nov 2010, 3:01 pm

What if anything are the school doing to help support her? Or is it all left up to you?

My son often tells me he is stupid and doesn't deserve to live etc etc. Every time he says this I know something has happened (usually at school) that he is struggling with. So I ask them what is happening at school, they are a bit slow to realize that changing anything including introducing a new form of maths or a new book etc, will set my son off thinking this way.

At my son's previous school, he was getting into trouble (being laughed at and bullied) by the kids especially in the yard at lunch time. He didn't know how to approach people and ask them to play or how to leave a group appropriately. I made up a que card, it just had a few lines on it. Things to say and what to do. It was small enough to fit in his pocket. He kept this card with him for a few months, until all the instructions became habit. :)
Your daughter could have one for in class, she is struggling she can read off her que card or give it to her teacher so that her teacher knows she needs extra help. The teachers need to act on it though for it to work. They also need to perhaps shorten what she needs to do. If everyone needs to write 20 lines, perhaps tell your daughter she just needs to write 5, if she gets the 5 finished then they can increase it two more lines, but they need to reward her for her success. Get this done and you can have 5 minutes doing something that makes you happy eg reading computer time etc. Schools need to start setting our kids up for success.

I just had another thought, can you write out a list of all the names (bad names) that she isn't allowed to say. Go threw this list with her, tell her why she can't say them. Stick the list on her bedroom wall. Ask her to check her list every morning before school. Tell her if she can get threw the day by not saying those names she can have extra privileges when she gets home. If she's saying them more than once start with just cutting them down. Give her a list of alternatives though. Eg instead of calling the teacher a XXX squeeze a stress ball five times or sing happy birthday in a whisper voice.

These are just ideas off the top of my head, don't know if they will work for your child, each child is different. Good luck.



foobabe
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11 Nov 2010, 5:01 pm

It's interesting to hear others experiences of this - I was beginning to think that it was something more than AS.

I really like the idea of que cards - can see how these could help in a lot of situations

Many Thanks!(':D') great advice!!
x



Chronos
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12 Nov 2010, 6:25 am

foobabe wrote:
I know that she is just being herself and totally honest about things, and yes that is a good thing, however it is leaving her open to criticism from both peers and teachers alike. I just want to protect her and help the school experience go a little easier - they are making a big issue of it

Its difficult when I get phone calls beacuse she has been calling teachers names (she can't keep up and gets frustrated when rushed) or says negatve things about school or herself - I am so stupid, I need punished, I wish I could blow the school up. The school thought she might be drepressed but we had her seen by a psychologist last year who explained its all to do with AS rigid thinking and unable to express herself better.


I don't really see any evidence of rigid thinking here, and I think she is expressing herself quite straight forward and honestly.

If she can't keep up and is getting so upset about it, that is a very bright red flag that she needs a different learning environment, because not only is she not absorbing the information, but school is becoming a negative place for her and soon she will no longer become frustrated that she can't learn because she will resign herself to the conclusion that it's futile and she can't learn.

People with AS tend to process information very differently than others, and it might take longer for them to input the information. However when given enough time, or taught in the right manner, a person with AS has the ability to really excel in a subject.

She should really be in a class where she can work at her own pace. You may also want to hire some tutors for her, however I strongly suggest that if you do this, you hire a tutor who is qualified to tutor children with learning disabilities.



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20 Aug 2015, 7:23 am

Every time the school complains about your kid's behavior, ask them what their plan is for helping her. Make it clear to them that this is part of her ASD, and it's their responsibility to provide support.
BTW, if you really want to get them off your back and hers, tell them it sounds to you like she needs an aide. Nothing scares the poo out of a school like the thought of paying for a full-time aide. You'd be surprised all the supportive options they can come up with when that's the alternative.



ASDMommyASDKid
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20 Aug 2015, 11:01 am

YippySkippy wrote:
Every time the school complains about your kid's behavior, ask them what their plan is for helping her. Make it clear to them that this is part of her ASD, and it's their responsibility to provide support.
BTW, if you really want to get them off your back and hers, tell them it sounds to you like she needs an aide. Nothing scares the poo out of a school like the thought of paying for a full-time aide. You'd be surprised all the supportive options they can come up with when that's the alternative.


^^^This. All of this. This is a skill that is an iterative process. Even if they learn not to say one particular thing, they cannot generalize it to something else, and it is incredibly hard to pause before making any comment to think to yourself if it is likely to offend (not to mention due to Theory of Mind issues the low probability in getting the right answer) Also depending on the child the social consequences may be irrelevant to him/her. So some kids have trouble even seeing why they should try.



mr_bigmouth_502
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20 Aug 2015, 11:37 am

I really don't know how to resolve the situation, though I can definitely say I can relate. I used to get in trouble at school all the time for just speaking my mind, and I still do occasionally. For me, learning to put a "filter" on what I say is just something that has come from age and experience, as well as deliberate effort. And it's too bad, because I'd really like it if other people could just accept what I have to say. Unfortunately, people tend to be self-righteous and ignorant, not to mention easy to offend...

So many people go out of their way to lie and BS and deceive other people nowadays that I think it's refreshing when someone is willing to speak the truth and say what's on their mind. I think the world would be a much better place if we could put aside all the deception and backstabbing and just be honest to one another.



Adamantium
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20 Aug 2015, 2:44 pm

The five year gap between the last post from the days when this thread first lived and YippySkippy's post this morning means the 11 year old is now 16 and almost certainly in a different school.

I wonder if foobabe will ever come back and comment on how things went? In any case the situation described in the OP is long, long gone. The behavior may be unchanged--who knows? But in a different context, certainly.



YippySkippy
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20 Aug 2015, 2:47 pm

Whoops, sorry about that.