just realized my husband has Aspergers

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i have been married to my husband 2.5 years. he has always been different so I accepted him the way he is. a friend this pointed Aspergers as a very real possibility to explain my husbands various behaviors. i have spent the past few days studying it and have no doubt. i have learned that I can not change anyone so I have just accepted his unfathomable words and actions that he displays in a very predictable manner. Now I have a better understanding. IT is kind of a relief and sadness at the same time. He has a devotion to me that boarders on smothering. he does all sorts of stuff that is just way messed up socially. now I know why. i see he can not understand how I am impulsive, flexible, extroverted, very social. He is totally unable to be any more like me than I him. Anyways this is site I found tonight. I plan to look around see where i can make life easier for both of us. I was thinking of leaving him now I will have to examine that with a whole new dimension added. Reasons I had are all part of Aspergers. It seems to me that i will most likely get any input from people with this type of autism b/c it is exactly something i husband would not do

Hello and welcome to WrongPlanet marytexas

I am glad you found this website in time! I hope you will read the forums here, it will probably help you understand him better and/or understand some issues he may have. And maybe it will help him too with some issues.

See you around!

Shadi

Hi Mary. I don't think you can change the fundamental nature of a thing, but you can both do a little more to meet in the middle. Does he know he has Asperger's yet?

Welcome to WP, I think you'll find what you are looking for here.

Welcome!

Glad to meet you, Mary - and welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet community.

I talked to him for about a minute just now. that is about as long as i knew he could. i am certain though he will obsess on it for a long time. I told him it is not a bad thing just an understanding thing. Really I think he cannot make the stretch needed to become anything different. The question is how far can I stretch. he just is unable to have a real conversation and i feel lonely when I am with him. I am very social have lots of friends have to go out b/c if a friend comes over he he always wants to be there. he can't get the idea that it is not really always appropriate to join in. WE are married though and tossing the towel in is not really an appealing idea. i really welcome any input to help us.

Well I hope for you that you can make some progress in some areas at least, so you can both be happy.

And yes its not a bad thing. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, things they are good at and things they are not good at, AS or not.

About your friends, wouldn't it be possible to include him more? I don't mean absolutely every time you see your friends, but as much as possible? I can tell from your comment "he always wants to be there" that he does want to be social, and probably also feels lonely sometimes (I am not sure of this of course, only he could tell you how he feels). I assume your friends know about his issues so if they care about you they would probably be understanding about this, about including him whenever possible. I don't know what your situation is tho, nor what you do with your friends usually, so I am just giving my opinion and I feel for your husband about this eventho I try to understand your point of view.

I suggest posting in the General Autism Discussion forum, you may get more replies and advices.

See you around

Shadi

I've known that my husband was likely Aspie for a few years now. We've talked and joked about it but now we're finally to the point where I'm thinking, wow, he really does have Aspergers. He might be going for an evaluation and therapy to see if there are some areas where he can improve. We've been married 10 years and we have 2 kids. We are very happy and I accommodate his needs most of the time and it doesn't even piss me off any more.

Making friends has always been super easy for me. But, I've had a hard time taking friends to the next level. Our "couple" friends have to be people that are friends with him first because I tend to lose friends when their husbands meet my husband. It makes me sad because my husband is smart and funny if given a chance.

I know what you mean by being loney. I feel very isolated emotionally. I gave up trying to connect emotionally with my husband a long time ago. It's not that he doesn't feel emotions. It's just that he doesn't understand the emotions I'm portraying to him and he also doesn't know how to respond. I often have to tell him the appropriate things to say to me and I end up feeling silly for showing those emotions to him. He has no intention of making me feel this way and it hurts him that he can't connect with me like this.

We do have the benefit that I'm finishing up grad school in Speech-Language Pathology and I have extensive experience working with children and some adults on the spectrum with speech and language needs. The problem is switching gears and using the strategies I use at work when I'm at home. I'd be happy to talk to you more if you are interested.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello and welcome to the world of Aspieness!

Your husband is very lucky to have such a devoted and loving wife. It's a lot more than many of us have out here. He's your husband and you must have married him for a reason. He hasn't changed just because you just learned what Asperger's is.

I only found out in the past year that I'm an Aspie. I can't say things have gotten any better or easier. In some respects, it's easier. In some respects, you might say it's even hard. And in others, the problems are just as deeply unfathomable.

That's life, though. The real world. The honeymoon's over. Might as well do what we can to make the best of it.

Congratulations! You're the wife of an Aspie!

cheers

The King of Funny Faces

Hello and welcome to the world of Aspieness!

Your husband is very lucky to have such a devoted and loving wife. It's a lot more than many of us have out here. He's your husband and you must have married him for a reason. He hasn't changed just because you just learned what Asperger's is.

I only found out in the past year that I'm an Aspie. I can't say things have gotten any better or easier. In some respects, it's easier. In some respects, you might say it's even hard. And in others, the problems are just as deeply unfathomable.

That's life, though. The real world. The honeymoon's over. Might as well do what we can to make the best of it.

Congratulations! You're the wife of an Aspie!

cheers

The King of Funny Faces

I think that your husband is very lucky to have a woman like you. Quite frankly, I wish I had a woman in my life that cared about me like that. Realize that Asperger's is not a disease; it is just a different way of seeing the world. Also, because of the way us aspies are wired, the part of our brains that normally go to social skills usually just goes to other things. I also think that you were attracted to him for a reason. While you cannot change who he is, you as a wife need to find ways to bring out the best of what is inside him. Typically Aspies have habits or quirks that tend to piss other people off, but I think that if you and he are willing to compromise a little bit, the two of you will find common ground.

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

Welcome Marytexas. I am a newbie here as wel.

I wonder what "connecting emotionally" means. I can have a conversation or talk about one's needs and even feelings if he/she make them explicit, but it turns in something like a discussion on philosophy or psychology, because I approach the topics in an academic way. I have no idea of what an "emotional connection" is.