Non Aspie dating Aspie - need urgent advice!

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LotusFlower
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10 Dec 2010, 11:25 pm

Hi all, this is my first post here, and I hope that someone on here can give me some advice.

I believe my BF has Aspergers and possibly some mood disorders as well. His mom just died in a car accident. I need some advice on what he will be feeling, and how he is going to react to this devastating event. And, more importantly how I should best deal with it.

I know it's going to turn his world upside down and I'd like some advice on how I should best approach him. he never talks about his feelings. He is prone to saddness and tears anyway, but that can give way to anger and agression especially if i don't agree with his way of seeing the world. i try and expalin to him what *i* think, and he doesn't react well at all.

. I personally have never been able to understand the way he thinks about some things. but i don't want to make this situation worse.

He reacts to things that I think are unimportant, and fires off at me when I say the most innocent things. Sometimes I say things that to me seem logical and rational, but he always sees it as a critism. He is always having a go at me, and sometimes I don't know why.

Other times he is extreemly childlike and loves to have cuddels. He can smother me and is quite childlike.

We have been dating for a couple of years now, and it has been difficult, up down, on off. I love him dearly, and I try my best to understand him and support him, but his anger and attitude sometimes is too hard to bear, and I'm afraid this might all be too much.

He was extreemly close to his mom. I would describe their relationship as overly close. In general he has always been overly worried about her, anxious that she is OK. He has been her 'little man'. I know in the coming weeks and months I am going to bear the brunt of his loss and saddness and anger. What should I expect?

I have been trying to learn as much about Autism as I can, in order to understand him better. What is he likely to be feeling? How is he likely to react? How should I handle this situation?

Can anyone give me some insight please?

Thanks.



Chronos
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10 Dec 2010, 11:34 pm

LotusFlower wrote:
Hi all, this is my first post here, and I hope that someone on here can give me some advice.

I believe my BF has Aspergers and possibly some mood disorders as well. His mom just died in a car accident. I need some advice on what he will be feeling, and how he is going to react to this devastating event. And, more importantly how I should best deal with it.


He will likely feel the same as you would if you were in the position of such misfortune, and he will likely react to it in much the same way NT's tend to do.

LotusFlower wrote:
I know it's going to turn his world upside down and I'd like some advice on how I should best approach him. he never talks about his feelings. He is prone to saddness and tears anyway, but that can give way to anger and agression especially if i don't agree with his way of seeing the world. i try and expalin to him what *i* think, and he doesn't react well at all.


While people with AS can cling to their convictions and have a difficult time understanding the point of view of others, there are plenty of men with AS who are not aggressive. In fact I am willing to bet that most would never be aggressive towards a partner.

LotusFlower wrote:
I personally have never been able to understand the way he thinks about some things. but i don't want to make this situation worse.

He reacts to things that I think are unimportant, and fires off at me when I say the most innocent things. Sometimes I say things that to me seem logical and rational, but he always sees it as a critism. He is always having a go at me, and sometimes I don't know why.


Perhaps you should seek couples counseling over this. I do not believe a relationship should be composed of bullying and walking on eggshells, and the likes.

LotusFlower wrote:
Other times he is extreemly childlike and loves to have cuddels. He can smother me and is quite childlike.

We have been dating for a couple of years now, and it has been difficult, up down, on off. I love him dearly, and I try my best to understand him and support him, but his anger and attitude sometimes is too hard to bear, and I'm afraid this might all be too much.

He was extreemly close to his mom. I would describe their relationship as overly close. In general he has always been overly worried about her, anxious that she is OK. He has been her 'little man'. I know in the coming weeks and months I am going to bear the brunt of his loss and saddness and anger. What should I expect?

I have been trying to learn as much about Autism as I can, in order to understand him better. What is he likely to be feeling? How is he likely to react? How should I handle this situation?

Can anyone give me some insight please?

Thanks.


Well I would hope that you understand that there is just as much variation amongst people on the spectrum as there are amongst NT's, so I really couldn't tell you much in the way of what to expect of him, more than I could of anyone. I would also hope you realize that we are not all as emotionally immature as your boyfriend sounds.



LotusFlower
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11 Dec 2010, 12:30 am

Thanks for your reply Chronos, i should maybe clarify that it's more like passive agressions or emotional aggression.

He has never hit me, and to my knowlegde anyone else.

What he does instead is throws things, punches walls, shouts at people and calls them names agressively. He has on occasion also threatened to hurt himself with sharp objects, holding things up to his throat and shouting at me to watch what he does. he has also threatened to drive himself off the road, into oncoming traffic and other things. it foesn't happen often, and only at times of heightenend stress.

The worst time was when I had a fight with my gf over something that had happened between us. It was nothing major but the arguing escalated quite some. After we had finished, my BF then started having a go at me. Shouting about how wrong I was, how could i have said all that to her. i was shocked cause he wasnt supporting me, in what was a situation that really, was nothing to do with him. he said then that he didn't want to talk about it any more, but i was so riled, that i continued. asking him why he was so upset about it when it was nothing to do with him. he went ballistic then and thats when he punched the walls and held the compass up to his throat. (a compass, it's almsot funny! but it wasn't!) this is a 40 year old man we are talking about here.

i just wonder and slighly dread seeing how he reacts in the next few days and weeks, to the stress of his mom passing away.

While I don't imagine that everyone with Autism suffers from this kind of aggression I had assumed that this was a result of his Autism. If it is not the norm... perhaps I should be more worried about it...? You've given me something to think about Chronos. TY.



Atreides
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11 Dec 2010, 12:57 am

he might have AS or a form of autism, but the mood swings are probably due to something else. everyone has their way of dealing with their problems, and your description reminds me of my ex-girlfriend a little.

She hated the thought of us not being together ( which is agood thing to hear, no? ), but next thing you know, if things didn't go exactly her way, I'd be the first on the chopping block and it wasn't roses and sunshine anymore. Then the mood swing passed, then classified as TOP SECRET never to be spoken of again and the cuddle-wuddle-ing could resume.

the danger in this is that you establish yourself as a participant in your boyfriend's problems because you love him, thinking that he would do the same for you. relationships are supposed to be based on reciprocity. As long as you feel a reciprocity, keep on trying to find a way to open him up, emotionnaly speaking, otherwise, he's only using you as a crutch to sustain his moodyness.

counseling is a great idea, but that usually implies that there is a problem to be fixed, and if he's anything like my ex was, he won't want to aknowledge that there is a problem.

my two cents, this might not apply to your situation at all.

Pat



lelia
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11 Dec 2010, 1:01 am

LotusFlower, why is he your BF? Are you so desperate that you will put up with anything to have a BF. I'd break the sound barrier running away from him. Of course, right now, his mom just died and he has got to be in a world of pain. And your previous experience shows he does not handle pain well.
Oh gee, you don't want to dump people when they are in need of support. I wish you had dumped him before his mother died. Poor guy. Poor you.



Chronos
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11 Dec 2010, 2:04 am

LotusFlower wrote:
Thanks for your reply Chronos, i should maybe clarify that it's more like passive agressions or emotional aggression.

He has never hit me, and to my knowlegde anyone else.

What he does instead is throws things, punches walls, shouts at people and calls them names agressively. He has on occasion also threatened to hurt himself with sharp objects, holding things up to his throat and shouting at me to watch what he does. he has also threatened to drive himself off the road, into oncoming traffic and other things. it foesn't happen often, and only at times of heightenend stress.

The worst time was when I had a fight with my gf over something that had happened between us. It was nothing major but the arguing escalated quite some. After we had finished, my BF then started having a go at me. Shouting about how wrong I was, how could i have said all that to her. i was shocked cause he wasnt supporting me, in what was a situation that really, was nothing to do with him. he said then that he didn't want to talk about it any more, but i was so riled, that i continued. asking him why he was so upset about it when it was nothing to do with him. he went ballistic then and thats when he punched the walls and held the compass up to his throat. (a compass, it's almsot funny! but it wasn't!) this is a 40 year old man we are talking about here.

i just wonder and slighly dread seeing how he reacts in the next few days and weeks, to the stress of his mom passing away.

While I don't imagine that everyone with Autism suffers from this kind of aggression I had assumed that this was a result of his Autism. If it is not the norm... perhaps I should be more worried about it...? You've given me something to think about Chronos. TY.


That is not passive aggressiveness. A passive aggressive person masks their hostilities with ambiguity, actions that contradict words, unreliability and procrastination.

While children on the spectrum are known to have their outbursts, children in general have outbursts. Children with AS have more outburts simply because they have a different set of stressors, which happen to be fairly routine things for NT's, and children with AS don't have a way to escape the foreign culture of which they are in. But they are still responding to their stressors in an age appropriate way.

Your boyfriend, is not responding in an age appropriate way. I do not think his behavior can be blamed on AS and I think he has anger management issues and perhaps some some borderline personality tendencies.



LotusFlower
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11 Dec 2010, 3:03 am

Thanks for your input. i appreciate your comments.

lelia wrote:
LotusFlower, why is he your BF? Are you so desperate that you will put up with anything to have a BF. I'd break the sound barrier running away from him. Of course, right now, his mom just died and he has got to be in a world of pain. And your previous experience shows he does not handle pain well.
Oh gee, you don't want to dump people when they are in need of support. I wish you had dumped him before his mother died. Poor guy. Poor you.


It's not that I feel that i will put up with anything to have a BF... I really wouldn't put up with him hitting me. it's more along the lines that i grew up with a domineering, highly critical mom, so I think I ahve issues myself. i have few boundries when it comes to emotional abuse. perhaps I'm even co-dependant, I'm not sure but I've been exploring that idea to see if that's one of the reasons why i stay.

i stay because he is not like this all the time. it's only when things get super high charged with emotion. of course theres no telling when that will be or what will cause it. (and thats no excuse i know!) but, still we've been together for many years now. he is my family, and this is my home. and its difficult to just walk out on all that.



LotusFlower
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11 Dec 2010, 3:18 am

Chronos wrote:
Your boyfriend, is not responding in an age appropriate way. I do not think his behavior can be blamed on AS and I think he has anger management issues and perhaps some some borderline personality tendencies.


Thanks for the insight Chronos. I appreciate your opinion and am now slightly worried that it might be even more complicated than I thought. borderline persoanlity is a whole other kettle of fish, at least in my mind.

i guess i have to reconsider my options and to just what extent i will put up with bad and extreemly immature behaviour.

he is not like this all the time, i hasten to add. which is why leaving is so difficult. because 99 % of the time he is not like this. it's only when he has a meltdown.



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11 Dec 2010, 4:54 am

Punching walls and threatening to take one's own life are NOT typical behaviors for AS people in their 40's.

You can't attribute this to Aspergers. This is seriously unhinged, lunatic behavior. It's actually abusive.

You will need counseling. I don't see you being able to take it on your own.



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11 Dec 2010, 5:29 am

I'm not denying that he could have AS or anything like that, but some of the behavior sounds like he may have Bipolar disorder possibly. If he's not like this most of the time, and he goes off on tangents with his behaviors... that sounds like mood swings. I'm mostly thinking this because of your example that he got upset about your argument with your friend when that has nothing to do with him.

I know somebody that is Bipolar but I'm not going to talk about them. It's just they can be very dramatic even though they are technically harmless physically. These kind of people damage people emotionally though.

I'm not a doctor so I'm not saying he's Bipolar from the tads of info you posted LotusFlower, but it sounds like he has some extra terms to his total diagnosis even if he has AS. Also I would suggest forcing him into therapy and tell him to do it for you if he doesn't want to. I'm not saying couple counseling or anything like that (that only works if there's a problem between the two of you which you're both at fault for)... but therapy as in he has problems that need to be accounted for or he will inevitably hurt you even if he never lays a forceful hand on you.

I'm just suggesting therapy because it seems like you love the guy and don't want to leave him. However if he does become "Un-safe" I'd book it.

As far as how to handle your current situation, I guess the only thing that you can do is be caring and supportive. However if he has AS and has a strong attachment to his mother... it may be stronger than the average bond between a boy and his mother. For me at least with having HFA (Almost exactly like AS but a little off with me), my mother and I have a good relationship I think. The thing is if she died, I'd just think in logic because I have no real attachment to her. I would think of how I'd deal with what she was there helping me with and the obstacles I would have to then face without her, instead of grieving if she died. What I mean about the bond thing though is I grow strong attachments to my best friends (Partner or friends) that I'd imagine are stronger than normal, and if anything happened to them I'd be devastated probably to the point of having to being admitted to a psyche ward for some time... that's if there was nobody to calm me I guess... although I've never lost a friend like that so I'm not sure how I'd cope even with someone being supportive of me :|

If he becomes a danger to you or himself... call the number for the police (I don't know where you're from or I'd say 911). He'll likely be admitted to a ward for further observation. He'll likely be furious with you, but you will both be safe :wink:

P.S. if it isn't serious don't over react. If he's threatening himself with a protractor or something harmless you can probably talk him down. If it is serious though, you may not want to let him know you've called the police. Some people panic and may do violent things in fear. I'm just mentioning this for your safety I guess.



HeWoreGrey
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11 Dec 2010, 5:55 am

Look into borderline personality disorder, it fits your description a great deal better.



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11 Dec 2010, 6:19 am

HeWoreGrey wrote:
Look into borderline personality disorder, it fits your description a great deal better.


It could fit better. I'm no psychologist, but she still has to deal with the current problem of his mothers death. And then the ultimate problem that a therapist should help diagnose and treat him. It's kind of useless to try and figure out what he has by this simple description and not help him. Also I guess it depends on the context of his actions. I'm sure text doesn't do this guys problems justice... I'm just guessing that a professional should help diagnose and treat him is all :wink:

Also there are things that can be distorted in view. Just like a doctor not taking the time of day with a patient may mistake someone with AS as having schizo affective disorder. Text doesn't show everything, just as a doctor who doesn't get to know a patient is at a loss at creating a correct diagnosis as well. It would just seem the best course of action is to help the guy, and not self diagnose him. Also if he's a person who likes to deny things... it's likely only a professionals diagnosis will truly benefit the situation. As in if she just says "well I read up on this, and you have..." It's an easy argument for someone who doesn't want to accept things to say "Well you're no doctor" and light up an argument.

There's not really enough info to make a decision on what he has, but advice can still be given toward the current situation :wink:



Last edited by Lace-Bane on 11 Dec 2010, 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

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11 Dec 2010, 7:38 am

What an unsettling situation to be in...i believe if you are still with him, it must mean that you love him very much, there is no other reason that would make you stay after being treated in such a violent way. i know it is not physical, but it is psychologically very hard to maintain your own balance when it keeps being shaken that way....
Putting aside the violence issues, what you can do to support a boyfriend on the spectrum in a time of pain is quite simple. Let him lead, don't have anyone over, don't ask unwanted questions, don't think that discussing it will help if he doesn't initiate it. Let him rest and think . If he needs to talk about anything you know he will.
but he is no usual aspie, so i don't know what might trigger him, and one thing is for sure, if you don't push him at all and he still lashes out, take your distance. i wouldn't stick around if he becomes irrational . Suicide threats are a very manipulative and i have experiences with it.
when i met my boyfriend, he told me that he had attempted suicide more than once. I told him immediately that i wouldn't be his nurse. I will not put up with suicide threats, and if one day i want to leave you and you threaten suicide, it will blow your chances of seeing me ever again. I know it seems harsh but suicide is a very personal thing, if you broadcast it like this, it is not suicide anymore, it is manipulation. next time he puts a blade or something to his throat, take a knife, and put it to your own throat, and say "oh look, i'm upset too!" and then leave. He will probably feel ridiculous enough to think about what he is doing to you.



LotusFlower
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11 Dec 2010, 10:53 pm

I'm starting to think that my BF may not be Aspie, but may have some other issues going on, such as those you've mentioned in this thread, Borderline Personality Disorder being one, obsessive compulsive personality disorder might be another.

I have another thread running in the 'Love and dating section of this forum, called: 'is this typical aspie behaviour?' where I will continue the discussion... I'm kind of merging the two threads as they are so similar. I have listed a few more of his personality traits for those who have commented so far.

Thank you so much for all the advice and information, I appreciate your help.