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eliotraincloud
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23 Jan 2011, 11:23 am

Hello,
Once again I have decided to post in a form that is more for adults. I'm 15 years old but what I want to say is in-depth life discussion.
Basically I'm in the state of mind where I'm incredibly confused about life. I can't be f****d with education, I don't have the energy and I don't have the will, but I want to flee this town and education is probably the best way eh?
I'm a girl, I look like a guy, I am constantly being asked whether I am a guy. I can't be f****d with conforming to the old ways of the world: Women in dresses and men in suits. Last night I was out, I walked into a public toilet and as I left a young girl began shouting "Oh my God, there's a boy in the girls toilets" and things to a similar effect for several minutes.
I feel as though I don't fit in here, I'm lonely and a confused metaphysician exsisting in a void. I can't conform to the mainstream, I can't stray from it and I can't find a balance.



MountainLaurel
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24 Jan 2011, 12:08 am

Eliotraincloud. You are contemplating some big issues; the nature of reality, as is appropriate for your age. I say appropriate, not that many your age are actually doing this. I won't comment on metaphysics, because I'm too tired for that. I'm better with the small things of life.

I suspect I have the gift of not feeling very self conscious about what I can't (or don't want to) change. I know my gifts and I know my failings very well. I hear people out, carefully consider what they say and I come to my own conclusions. I'm working to make some small but important changes in my life. I know when I'm working at it and when I'm not.

I find flexibility amazingly rewarding when I can manage to acheive even a little of that. Scroll & roll.

I like to center myself when doing the small things; cooking & eating a simple meal. Getting comfortable when I go to bed and feeling my breathing. The most thorough way for me to lose my tension, fears & cares is to swim with my attention on smooth easy movements. These small quiet things help me to get on with the bigger stuff in a more centered & easy way. Walk, run(!?) or just breathe. Lame as it sounds, it's helpful to give yourself some time to move freely and easily, thinking only about how your body feels. It banishes the cares for a bit.

What I'd like to give you, if I could, is encouragement to take good care of youself in every little way you can. Find little ways to sneak away from bad feelings. The bad feelings don't deserve you.



wefunction
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24 Jan 2011, 12:36 am

My elementary school kids made a comment about their physical education teacher looking like a boy. I asked them, "What do you expect her to look like? You want her to have long hair and wear pink and put bows in her hair? Do you think a skirt would be practical for her job? She's a PE teacher. She likes sports and being active. She dresses comfortable. She has short hair. Since when do boys have the market on comfort and sports?" They thought about it and then laughed at themselves. It's ridiculous to think of people in such narrow terms. Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense.

The only time I'm shocked by mention of an androgynous look is when I hear that an androgynous look shocks anyone.

Education is important and high school is a mundane stepping stone to the education that you'll make excellent use of in life. Concentrate on this mundane step so it's a good step to where you want to go. If you aren't going to bother with your peers, concentrating on school work will be easier... but this can be lonely. I hope you find other people like you at school so you'll have first hand knowledge that you're not alone. It is the truth that you're not alone.

A change of scenery may help but the problems in your head (knowing who you are) won't be resolved by moving. Those kinds of problems follow you. Finding yourself and standing firmly behind who you are is a very deep and serious life issue. You're at a time when most of us 30+'ers wouldn't even consider returning to if we were offered millions of dollars to do it. That's because this is the time when people don't have themselves figured out but are trying desperately to make sense of everything. This isn't an easy time at all.

I'd recommend that you decide what you have control over and make the most of that. You can't control how the rude little girl in the bathroom will react, but you can stay true to how you feel and remain focused on your priorities and goals. You can't control how the popular teens exclude you, but you can seek out other "outcasts" to form friendships and make the rest of high school tolerable. There's options here.



peterd
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24 Jan 2011, 3:47 am

Staying on an even keel is good. Working a life plan of some sort is good too. Education is the key to success at that.

And, however it goes along the way, it gets easier as time goes by.