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Writergirl53
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

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Joined: 6 Mar 2015
Posts: 78
Location: Canada

22 May 2017, 5:14 pm

It's a relief to see that I'm not the only one going through this. I didn't really think much about my sexuality until I moved out a couple of years ago. It had definitely occurred to me that I might not be straight, because I definitely noticed girls in a way that wasn't quite how straight girls noticed each other, and sometimes I thought about dating my friends, but kind of dismissed it as passing thoughts and decided I didn't really want to deal with it. Meanwhile I did have "crushes" on guys on occasion, but it always felt forced, and it certainly never had anything to do with appearance, it was more like I ran a calculated analysis and judged them to be an appropriate mate for me, based on their personalities and intelligence. I finally started to put things together last summer, when I finally allowed myself to pursue the thought that I might like girls, and since then, I guess I've been all over the place. I officially came out to my friends and family first as "probably gay", then as polysexual, pan-fluid, and most recently just plain pan to make it easier to remember. What I'm finding now is that I go through crushes and loves insanely quickly all of the sudden, and my orientation won't stop flip-flopping, sometimes I'll only stay one orientation for as little as two weeks before switching to a different one entirely. Some weeks I only want to date women, others only men, and some I only want to date a trans woman, or a specific type of non-binary. It's confusing as hell, and very much effected by my emotional state and outside surroundings. For example, taking a liking to one girl can put me onto girls in general and exclusively for anything from a week to a couple of months, and depressive or anxious episodes also provoke switches. A perfect example of this is what happened with my male friend who I started to develop a bit of a crush on, but I tried to get over him because he liked somebody else, so I stated online dating again, and started talking to a feminine presenting non-binary person, and was into girls and people that look like girls, and lost all interest in him, then things ended badly with she and I before we even met after a bit under a month, and suddenly after a few days, (and after he said he was over the girl he liked before,) I found my feelings for the male friend coming back but much stronger, and it wasn't long before I started to feel head over heels in love with him, then I went onto some new meds which sparked a 3-4 day depressive episode, and hearing him say something about not wanting to date anybody at all, suddenly I lost all interest in him whatsoever again, and now I'm interested in girls again... As I write it out, I realize that it might also have to do with whether I think I have a chance, but either way, it's so confusing. I also notice that my feelings towards guys and girls are very different. I have little to no sexual desire for guys, and most of the guys I like, I don't even find remotely physically attractive, but if there is a very strong bond, I can become romantically attracted to one much stronger than I have with a girl so far, with girl's it's much more physical. At least 70% of girls my age are hot to me, but I'm much less likely to form a romantic bond, like it feels like friendship plus physical attraction rather than romantic bond plus physical attraction. Basically, there's always something missing. I've contemplated polyamoury, but I just don't think it's for me.



Writergirl53
Blue Jay
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Joined: 6 Mar 2015
Posts: 78
Location: Canada

13 Aug 2017, 11:33 pm

I feel ya, OP, I've been like that for a while. I'm pan, but I tend to only want one at a time, and it fluctuates based on mood and what happens to be going on in my life on a pretty tight radius, (can be as little as a week or two.) I still don't really get it, but I've just has to accept that for whatever reason, that's me, and obsessing and stressing over it like I used to trying to figure it out wasn't doing me any good, so I learned to let it go as best I could and just roll with it. Can be very frustrating in terms of my identity though, because when I'm feeling more "straight" I feel like I don't belong in queer spaces, and when I'm swinging more the other way, I don't really like being in straight spaces romantically, and totally hate being hit on by the opposite sex and stuff.



SilverBoltsisWmax
Sea Gull
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Joined: 12 Aug 2017
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 245
Location: South Carolina

16 Aug 2017, 4:58 pm

Writergirl53 wrote:
I feel ya, OP, I've been like that for a while. I'm pan, but I tend to only want one at a time, and it fluctuates based on mood and what happens to be going on in my life on a pretty tight radius, (can be as little as a week or two.) I still don't really get it, but I've just has to accept that for whatever reason, that's me, and obsessing and stressing over it like I used to trying to figure it out wasn't doing me any good, so I learned to let it go as best I could and just roll with it. Can be very frustrating in terms of my identity though, because when I'm feeling more "straight" I feel like I don't belong in queer spaces, and when I'm swinging more the other way, I don't really like being in straight spaces romantically, and totally hate being hit on by the opposite sex and stuff.


So, I'm borderline trans for the most part. Out of curiosity how would someone with your mindset feel about a non op trans female. Just poking your brain here.