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MONKEY
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09 Feb 2011, 6:01 pm

I have gone through quite a bit of change and uncertainty throughout my adolescence, I've never been exclusively this or that. Right now I just call myself mostly straight but it's not that simple.
It started when I was 11, I was watching the film "anger management" at my nana's house and there was a scene where 2 women were kissing, and I really liked what I saw. I was already boy mad before then, it was all boys boys boys, so this feeling I got watching the women kissing was quite new. Anyway I was thinking about my own orientation in depth for the first time, and at a sleepover with my best friend we decided to experiment a bit and we didn't do anything dramatic, we just put out arms round each other and stuff. So at this point I really fancied her, but for her it was just a bit fun and some time later she said she's boy mad. I thought I was a lesbian at this point, did a bit of research and read a book about homosexuality in the school library. I took the book home but my mum found it and she didn't approve at what went on between my and my friend, but she was OK about what my feelings were for girls in general. I ended up telling my friend on the school bus, and she told someone else because I said she could but I was too trusting towards the boy she told so it soon spread around the school and for a long time in year 7 I got s**t for it. Then I fancied a boy in my year, then another boy so I was like "oh so I'm straight then." So I told everyone I'm straight instead (I should have kept my confusions to myself really. I was messing people about.)
In year 8 I called myself straight, but wasn't that sure still. When I was about 14 or so, I found more girls fit so I thought "ok, I'm bi then." And for a while I went through a phase when I wanted to be a boy on the top half, or look just like one and it really bugged me. While I was 15 I ended coming out AGAIN but this time as a bi. Then I got a bit of s**t for that but not as much as I did in year 7. Then I was like no no no, I'm straight I think. No I'm not, yes, no, yes, no, AAARGH!

Now I think I've settled down properly, I am mostly sexually attracted to the opposite sex, I ideally want my long term partner to be male. But I am still just as capable of finding women attractive, and I often do. I do sometimes see pictures of particularly cute girls and think "oh wow", and I do sometimes have fantasies about girls I'm friends with. But my main preference is men. So I don't really give myself a label, and if someone asks I just simplify it and say I'm "straight, but I know when I girl is fit or not" and leave it there.


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Writergirl53
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22 May 2017, 5:14 pm

It's a relief to see that I'm not the only one going through this. I didn't really think much about my sexuality until I moved out a couple of years ago. It had definitely occurred to me that I might not be straight, because I definitely noticed girls in a way that wasn't quite how straight girls noticed each other, and sometimes I thought about dating my friends, but kind of dismissed it as passing thoughts and decided I didn't really want to deal with it. Meanwhile I did have "crushes" on guys on occasion, but it always felt forced, and it certainly never had anything to do with appearance, it was more like I ran a calculated analysis and judged them to be an appropriate mate for me, based on their personalities and intelligence. I finally started to put things together last summer, when I finally allowed myself to pursue the thought that I might like girls, and since then, I guess I've been all over the place. I officially came out to my friends and family first as "probably gay", then as polysexual, pan-fluid, and most recently just plain pan to make it easier to remember. What I'm finding now is that I go through crushes and loves insanely quickly all of the sudden, and my orientation won't stop flip-flopping, sometimes I'll only stay one orientation for as little as two weeks before switching to a different one entirely. Some weeks I only want to date women, others only men, and some I only want to date a trans woman, or a specific type of non-binary. It's confusing as hell, and very much effected by my emotional state and outside surroundings. For example, taking a liking to one girl can put me onto girls in general and exclusively for anything from a week to a couple of months, and depressive or anxious episodes also provoke switches. A perfect example of this is what happened with my male friend who I started to develop a bit of a crush on, but I tried to get over him because he liked somebody else, so I stated online dating again, and started talking to a feminine presenting non-binary person, and was into girls and people that look like girls, and lost all interest in him, then things ended badly with she and I before we even met after a bit under a month, and suddenly after a few days, (and after he said he was over the girl he liked before,) I found my feelings for the male friend coming back but much stronger, and it wasn't long before I started to feel head over heels in love with him, then I went onto some new meds which sparked a 3-4 day depressive episode, and hearing him say something about not wanting to date anybody at all, suddenly I lost all interest in him whatsoever again, and now I'm interested in girls again... As I write it out, I realize that it might also have to do with whether I think I have a chance, but either way, it's so confusing. I also notice that my feelings towards guys and girls are very different. I have little to no sexual desire for guys, and most of the guys I like, I don't even find remotely physically attractive, but if there is a very strong bond, I can become romantically attracted to one much stronger than I have with a girl so far, with girl's it's much more physical. At least 70% of girls my age are hot to me, but I'm much less likely to form a romantic bond, like it feels like friendship plus physical attraction rather than romantic bond plus physical attraction. Basically, there's always something missing. I've contemplated polyamoury, but I just don't think it's for me.



Writergirl53
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13 Aug 2017, 11:33 pm

I feel ya, OP, I've been like that for a while. I'm pan, but I tend to only want one at a time, and it fluctuates based on mood and what happens to be going on in my life on a pretty tight radius, (can be as little as a week or two.) I still don't really get it, but I've just has to accept that for whatever reason, that's me, and obsessing and stressing over it like I used to trying to figure it out wasn't doing me any good, so I learned to let it go as best I could and just roll with it. Can be very frustrating in terms of my identity though, because when I'm feeling more "straight" I feel like I don't belong in queer spaces, and when I'm swinging more the other way, I don't really like being in straight spaces romantically, and totally hate being hit on by the opposite sex and stuff.



SilverBoltsisWmax
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16 Aug 2017, 4:58 pm

Writergirl53 wrote:
I feel ya, OP, I've been like that for a while. I'm pan, but I tend to only want one at a time, and it fluctuates based on mood and what happens to be going on in my life on a pretty tight radius, (can be as little as a week or two.) I still don't really get it, but I've just has to accept that for whatever reason, that's me, and obsessing and stressing over it like I used to trying to figure it out wasn't doing me any good, so I learned to let it go as best I could and just roll with it. Can be very frustrating in terms of my identity though, because when I'm feeling more "straight" I feel like I don't belong in queer spaces, and when I'm swinging more the other way, I don't really like being in straight spaces romantically, and totally hate being hit on by the opposite sex and stuff.


So, I'm borderline trans for the most part. Out of curiosity how would someone with your mindset feel about a non op trans female. Just poking your brain here.