What's on your mind right now?

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^Thanks

You can never stop time. Slowing down never stops it. Mellowing it could also slow down time, making everything seems not to end even if it just become more bearable.

Yet you can make time faster to end things as quickly as possible. What matters is that there's an end to it. That's how time heals -- to end things.

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^ You're very right.
I will just get to the end of it.

You have answered in part your own question Rachel.. Now its finding that little bit of strength to follow it through... Time is not but a human construct... For when this all passes it will be no more than a distant memory... Right now you are in the moment but that moment will pass resulting in more strength, not weakness...
You have an amazing inner spirit that is there for these times.. Embrace it and mold it into an energy to cast out the consuming energy one is presently feeling/experiencing.. Swap one energy for another...

Just bought a SINGLE tomato... $1.50 ... They growing them on gold vines now?

Uni worries. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly: soon I'll be re-starting my geology after having no choice but to take a break from my studies, but first comes the stressful student loan business. I only wish I had a more even skill set when it comes to actually being a student. I'm fine with the theory and absorb information quickly - terrible with managing my time and not panicking at the mere prospect of deadlines or exams. To make matters worse all science involves a fair bit of teamwork, another weak point.

Kitties-what else?

^Yes!

Terrified by Google.

^How come?

Life is "As Good As it Gets".

Almost everyone completely ignores me.

It is not functional or reasonable to expect that anyone treat me like a friend

But that doesn't stop me from wanting it

____________________________________

Anyways as usual, nothing to do. No goals. No purpose or meaning.

Quite frankly I wish that when I was 18 to 22 I enlisted in the military active duty.

That way I could feel like I belonged

Also because the state I live in is an "at will" employer. Several bosses had the nerve to fire my worthless corpse. Every slightest mistake. Once, nobody even told me that I did something wrong. And that was legal

But in the military, it is the brig (jail), dishonorable discharge, or other than honorable discharge. And commanding officers have to fill out a lot of paperwork. Red tape. Before getting rid of someone

And if I joined the military maybe I would have had an adventure

But now I am 34. MEPS disqualification. Autism, obsessive compulsive disorder. Clinical depression. Irritable bowel syndrome. Trans military ban from President Trump.

And now I am too emotional fragile and chronically extremely exhausted to even do the easiest part time civilian job.

Much less deployment. Boot camp. Basic training. Advanced individual training. The fleet. Living in the barracks. Gorging at the mess hall. Going to the infirmary sick and wounded. Sleeping on a rack. Scrubbing the head.

Likewise, even over twelve years after flunking out Structural Engineering I have yet to get over the fact that I will never get anSTEM job. That matches my autism symptoms.





Homophobic comments from 2004 San Diego still get on my nerves

Dawn.

Torn between feeling guilty, ashamed, and lazy. For not going to work. Not having a job.
Not joining the military.

Feel ashamed that Matthew Shepherd got murdered. In 2015 Orlando FL. Omar Mateen allegedly murdered a lot of victims at a gay bar.

Many of the victims are younger than i am now

So feel paranoid someone else might exterminate me. Yes I live somewhere not too homophobic. But it only takes one exterminator or rapist. And then it is all over

Also feel guilty, because I ain't contributed nothing to the solar system. And some of the victims allegedly contributed something positive to the galaxy.


And feeling jealous of the trans boy that got into the Boy Scouts earlier in 2017.

Jealous of the trans boy that won the Texas state 110 pound girls wrestling. 17 years old.

My precious lil "parents" never signed a consent form for me to join Boy Scouts. But I was born in 1983 and the world was more homophobic back then.

High school sports require parent or guardian written consent to join. Even sports with relatively few financial costs or physical dangers. Such as when I joined cross country, tennis and swimming.

At the school I went to, at that time, joining football teams required purchasing extra insurance. Expensive monetarily

My high school had no wrestling team when I was a student

What kind of "discrimination" is that, educational discrimination?

Parental
discrimination?

Besides, articles claim that the wrestler started wrestling when he was under 12.

Oh, and how much did the wrestling team charge in tuition?

What is that, financial discrimination?

Besides, wrestling success depends on weight, skill, speed, strength.

And those four factors depend on nature versus nurture.

So what, the wrestler is physically stronger than me? Plenty of cisgender females are stronger than me. Big deal. Who cares?

Finding a Portuguese translation of Haruhi, or maybe The Diamond Age.

34 years old and still struggling to accept

that I will never get breast reduction surgery

That I will never be a structural engineer

That nobody will ever make the mistake of hiring me

That I am autistic

That I will never get the apologies I deserve