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Don't listen to your dad. You're trying your best, and you are good enough.

It'll help a lot if I can manage to get a job I can support myself on. Then the only one I'd have to feel like a burden to would be me, and I won't have to listen to how I'm lazy, not trying hard enough, and/or don't care when I actually do care and am trying my hardest. The problem is I keep applying to places and hearing nothing back

Encouraging thoughts about never giving up

Wanting to get started on my final essay that is due in two weeks.

The due date was not my professor's idea, it was the department's.

I made sure that I set the alarm tonight.

Tonight was the HOA meeting. I had sent an email to all the Board members saying I would not be attending and I had to add something because one was already attacking me and accusing me of erasing Board recordings - we had actually gotten a recorder so that it would be easier for the Secretary (Me) to write the minutes. However, I quit using the recorder because it was too time consuming. For the meetings I didn't use it, I'm getting blamed that I erased it. Why would I even do that? And there is no Bylaws or Ammendments saying it's mandatory to record the meetings. So, I sent that email saying I wouldn't be there. Then one of "them"emailed a long letter to all of the homeowners talking down about me again and I decided to answer the email with the full truth. Boy, did I say the truth - then I sent it out to all the homeowners.

Anyway, Mary ended up going to the meeting with her husband and "they" were all there and really pissed off that I wasn't there for them to yell at. They were really mad that I sent that email out to 90 homeowners making them and the management company look really bad.

And then a miracle happened. The Board had this company inspect all the decks to see which were the worst. One of the big reasons they wanted me off the Board was because I wanted an assessment to fix the decks - they are going on 40 yrs old and decks don't last much longer. They didn't want to listen to me and had even told the people to sign the petition to get me removed otherwise there would be an assessment - untrue because you would need 3 votes and not just mine to pass an assessment. The assessment wasn't even mentioned on the petitions, meaning they lied to get the signatures. So back to the miracle - the guy who had inspected the decks said that MARY AND MY DECKS WERE THE WORST IN THE WHOLE COMPLEX AND UN REPAIRABLE - meaning ME AND MARY ARE GETTING NEW DECKS! And that is why I was sure to set my alarm. Mary said "they" were so angry it was comical. However, I'm not laughing a lot because they were looking at Mary like they wanted to kill her. And one had already said they were going to do that. So, I don't know what to think - everything has gone the wrong way for "them". I don't think they are just going to take it and do nothing.

One other interesting tidbit, I have mentioned before that if they didn't take care of my deck then I would sue them. I already have a lawyer, so they know I'm not bluffing. Their worst nightmare is coming true - they have to fix my deck or they know they will get sued, the fact that I was right and that I'm going to get a whole new deck without fighting for an assessment. What is the probability that that could ever happen?! You can't write this stuff. And that's why I call it a miracle - A Christmas Miracle.

I really wish I could get rid of this urge to see myself bleed. I know it's not a good thing to be doing, so why do I want to do it so badly?

The wait for confirmation of my referral to the diagnostic unit at the Maudsley.

I hate when I get to school and find out my best friend is home sick

Oh well, at least I can study for my Child Psychology test that I have today.

People who care more about reputation management than successful communication.

Something my mother just told me. She asked me if I felt the world would be a better place if it were run by women. I answered it would be better if it were more equalized. And then she told me that she thinks women are genetically more sympathetic and better at listening (although many posts on the L&D website would make you think otherwise).

But then my mom said that when women get into politics or anything else male-dominated they feel have to be all macho and in your face. She mentioned how when she first started running a scrapyard, many people thought it was bizarre because she was female. They'd always assume she was the secretary, and she started wearing a badge saying she was the manager, and even then many people didn't believe her. This was back in the late 90's and even early 2000's, be eventually people got to know and trust her, and she felt she could be herself. She's now retiring by the end of this year. So anyway, she said that women always be given a chance, and they shouldn't feel they should act tough and macho or whatever in order to do it. I think she's right, but I don't think the world itself is going to become aware of this anytime soon.

Those women's tops with the holes cut out the shoulders look stupid.

Well, what's going on since I found that me and Mary are getting new decks....

This guy on the Board who really hates me, I'll call him "B", I found out is trying to stall the building of the decks by saying he wants to look over prices. He was spitting fire because my deck is one of the biggest and curves around so it will cost extra - a lot extra. The last two decks that had to be done this year, they did not use an engineer saying it wasn't necessary and that helped cut costs. However, Mary was thinking they should have, but they decided not to hoping they wouldn't get caught. I asked the management company about the decks tonight because they weren't telling me about it - I'M ON THE BOARD FOR PETE'S SAKE! They told me that the decks were to be replaced, but didn't give me a date. I have a bunch of furniture that needs to be taken apart. So I sent another email asking the date and who will the engineer be, still waiting for a reply. If they tell me no engineer, I'm going to tell them that me and Mary are going down to City Hall to see what the City requires so they know they better do it up to code. That damn "B" is going to do all he can to drag this out. I'm wondering if the decks are even safe to go out on - you can feel the building move at certain times like a very small quake. Sometimes, if I'm in bed and the building moves, it feels like I'm in a waterbed. That's not normal. What a mess. I don't want to complain because a new deck would be a blessing, but taking that furniture apart is going to be a nightmare and winter is coming - I'll have to store the furniture in my livingroom and then put it back together again. Lord help us. I'll have to pray and let Jesus take care of it.

Nurseangelaa, I hope you weather the winter well in your building and that all that board garbage settles down.

Lostonearth35, good story from your mom.

I'm tired. Long night on and off dealing with serious Windows Update issues. I finally had to roll back the Fall Windows Creator update, indefinitely. Piece of s**t! Waste of my time and energy for sure. I'll have to try again when Microsoft releases the next critical update and hope for the best. I find the process very stressful because I worry that I'll have to ask for big favors and get sighted assistance if something goes seriously wrong. And that assistance might have to come from my pissed-off father. Anyone else have serious issues with this update?

My sister got in a car accident with my mom's car yesterday. I'm glad no one was seriously hurt, but I'm still really upset. I had a meltdown last night when I was left alone, meltdowns are super scary if you are by yourself. I don't know how people who live on their own and have meltdowns do it.