How to tell your teenage son he maybe an Aspie

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Our son, who is now 14, was diagnoses as being in the spectrum when he was 7. My wife and I have never discussed this diagnosis with him or the probability that he is an Aspie. We have been thinking that it maybe time we discuss this with him. I know he feels different, he goes to school, attends regular classes and we try to get him involved in other activities, but he always haves difficulties making friends and I'm sure feels very isolated.
Any feedback on what is the best way to discuss this with him would be appreciated.

I'd just sit him down and discuss it with him, the sooner the better. You'll want to have some information handy so you help answer any questions he might have about the diagnosis, but otherwise, just tell your story. Why you brought him in to get diagnosed in the first place, why you didn't immediately tell him, etc.

Try to make sure the environment is as friendly as possible. Chances are he'll be relieved to hear that there's a reason for his not fitting in.

One thing I think you should emphasize is that being on the spectrum is not dangerous in itself. It makes some things more difficult that most people hardly even have to think about, but it does not make them impossible. Typically ASD does not get worse over time, but many of us learn to compensate the symptoms to some extent. In my eyes, ASD is not an illness or a disablility but a part of a person's personality.

I think it is important not to scare your son with the diagnosis or making him feel like a freak. His brain works differently from those of most other people, but different does not neccessarily mean worse or wrong. Try to let him feel that he is still an important ad precious person for you and that you will give him whatever support you can.

My daughter hasn't been diagnosed and I stumbled upon this diagnosis at the suggestion of a friend. I felt like it completely fits my daughter we're on the wait list to get the diagnosis but I worried about telling her before, and with the suggestion of a couple of threads from others here I decided it would be best to tell her what I thought. It is best to talk to my daughter in the car on a long drive where I can't look at her while talking. She is most relaxed in this situation and really opens up to me a lot at these times so that's when I told her. Her reaction was immense curiosity and relief. She was happy to know that first and foremost she wasn't "crazy" because she said she had always wondered if she was. I was afraid she would freak out (meltdown) but she didn't. She opened up to me about all kinds of things she thought and felt that I had never known and it was because she was afraid to tell me because I might think she was crazy and wouldn't understand. It isn't that she has embraced this and wants to become more "aspie" but rather like a flower opening up and seeing her become even more comfortable with who she is without the fear. Good luck to you!

I sat my aspie son down and said, "You know how you have trouble getting things done? You know you get in trouble for things that you know are completely outside your control? You know how you forget about something and even with proof right in front of you, you still adamantly deny it and know you're right?" Then I explained how there's an actual condition that messes with your head, that makes you forget things and makes it nearly impossible to get stuff done... that people who don't have this condition don't understand what it's like so that's why he's always getting in trouble and they never understand. Then I explained that there's medication that helps bring everything down a notch so that he can control it, get things done and remember. I explained that he'll always have to work harder than others, he'll always forget stuff, he'll always have some trouble connecting the dots and figuring out what's obvious to some people BUT it's not because he's stupid or inept or incapable. It's just a condition and it can be managed.

This was the same time that I told him that I have AS, too. He knows that I know how he's feeling, how he's perceiving things, why things are difficult, and what it's like to be overwhelmed.

He went through a phase of blaming poor behavior on AS. Again, I have it too so I had his number on that one. I told him to shape up. He's got to do his share of the work to keep himself on track. He can't just sit there and expect the world to forgive him his shortcoming and failures because he has Aspergers. I reminded him that he's also a highly functioning aspie, so he doesn't exhibit a lot of the overt behaviors that AS children can exhibit, making people less likely to feel sympathy for him.

My oldest son (not an aspie) did not like that I discussed my concerns about his social anxiety with his doctor. But, my son has such social anxiety that he doesn't even want real issues raised with his doctor! I couldn't take that seriously. It was symptomatic. My oldest is anti-medication. He takes his Adderall XR for his ADHD to make me happy because unless he has his own room (he doesn't right now) he doesn't have the appropriate environment to self-manage without the medication (his grades drop horribly). He refuses an anti-anxiety medication. So he talks to someone and that helps him. He's a responsible young man with motivation for the future and the way he communicates with the world must match that for him to gain the success he deserves. Could you imagine a police officer who mumbles and doesn't make eye contact?

I'm a mother of four and I'm pretty strict but I like to empower my children. I get some sharp-tongue responses at times when they don't like something because they're strong-willed individuals with their own opinions and preferences (and have been empowered to value those opinions and preferences), but I'll take that trouble every day of the week and twice on Sunday when I see them evaluate situations and make good choices. They aren't always doing exactly what I would want them to do, but I don't want to control them. I want them to be able to function as independent people. Good cliches for this are: Knowledge is Power and Honesty is the Best Policy.

I can't speak for your son, but I can sure speak for myself... I WISH I HAD KNOWN that I was an Aspie when I was his age. Some of my biggest frustrations in life were related to not understanding WHY I was "different", and in trying and failing to become part of the "normal" crowd. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have had a whole different outlook, and would have pursued my social life from a completely different angle. I was so clumsy in interacting with people, that the other boys wrote me off as gay, and the girls wouldn't have anything to do with me. Looking back, I can make an educated guess that certain peers to whom I paid no attention at the time, would have been more suitable friends and acquaintances than those I tried to associate with.

Again, I have no idea whether your son is in the same boat I was in, but I do believe knowledge is power in any case.

Charles

I agree, especially with this last point.
Its not like being diagnosed with say, diabetes, which is the equivalent to being handed a prison sentence.

Your child is already in a prison of not fitting it with kids at school and trouble with school work and so forth. Has been for a long time.
So in effect you're telling your child " the world tells you everything in the world is wrong with you- well its really just ONE thing wrong with you- everything else stems from that one thing."
And with that knowledge we can work on that one thing ( ie adapting to the identifiable weaknesses of aspergers and building on strengths as well).

If its handled right it can be liberating.

Good luck.

Thanks for all your answers, they've been very helpful.

Tell him ASAP, that's the important thing. If I didn't know I had AS in my teenage years (in the past and to come), I would be a lot more confused and upset about my life - why am I different? Why am I often the odd one out? And so on.

Just tell him straight. At 14, he's mature enough to understand.

Sometimes NT Parents honestly don't know what to do. Parents make mistakes. We don't always make the right choices. NT Parents really have a tough time knowing when and how to tell their child about these kinds of things because they don't have it and it's scary and foreign to them. Parents love their kids, don't want them to hurt, and just don't want their kids to feel alone... not realizing that the loneliness comes from a child not knowing why they are the way that they are. You're right that there's so much that parents can do to help their aspie kids but I don't blame NT Parents for having trouble knowing where to begin.

I recently discussed my son's issues with him, he is waiting for formal diagnosis but is clearly AS. He has struggled for many years unable to make friends or use appropriate social skills. He has many issues with his memory, sleep, black and white literal thinking. I finally decided to home school him 3 years ago much to his relief.

I started the discussion by using some examples and issues around friendships he has had and then introduced some other topics, he was very relieved. I also have AS which he thought was pretty funny at first but now that he knows it has really diffused a lot of tension in our household. His psychiatrist previously said he had ODD but has since changed her mind. He is 13 and now he is coming forward with things he has anaylsed about himself, such as he can only remember things he is truely interested in, probably ADHD issues, he is feeling more confident to talk about his experiences.

Make sure to research, if you do not know the positive sides of AS especially areas of his focus that might possibly work into a career. I have discussed with my son his need to improve social skills and now I find he is willing to accept more guidance from me.

Good Luck.