Page 14 of 18 [ 275 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18  Next

OhkaBaka
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 151
Location: Seattle

14 Jul 2014, 5:49 pm

DashVerboten wrote:
I've always been a bit weird - I have a hard time making friends, I prefer to eat lunch alone, and my sense of humor could charitably be called "unique." I always wrote it off as being a Myers-Briggs INTP. However, when my daughter was diagnosed, I started learning about the sensory aspects, and it was like seeing a whole row of lock tumblers fall perfectly into place:

The way I need a heavy quilt on top of me to be able to sleep at night, even when it's blazing hot.
The way I get a little freaky in crowds.
The way small noises drive me crazy when other people don't even seem to notice them.


I could have written that. That made me smile. Verbatim Verboten. :D

That is when my diagnosis came, though in retrospect I don't even get why no one noticed it before my son's specialists started commenting... EVERYTHING anyone noticed in him that was a marker for ASD exists in me... just less severe.

I still do it, 4 years after diagnosis, when someone on Lex's team says something, a light comes on, or a long forgotten memory pops up. It is a weird and fantastic feeling, that these "oddities" aren't even a little unique, they are shibboleth for an elite club.

Quote:
Now I don't want to be one of "those people" who self-diagnose and use it as an excuse for their behavior. But given my daughter's diagnosis, it seems pretty clear that my genetics probably gave her a push toward the middle of the spectrum.


Saying that excises you from that group. Mostly.
None of us want the super power of being overtly disinterested in our SOs daily adventures. I sometimes CHOOSE to not care what someone else is up to, but when it just happens, and hurts someones feelings, that is the worst. When ASD negatively affects our lives, it sucks. I am LESS likely to bring up ASD when my ASD is probably be to blame, because I don't want anyone to think I'm using it as a crutch, it offends me that people might perceive that.
Having a professional say "you belong to the exclusive club" on the other hand, is a tremendous weight off of your shoulders. If you're worried about the crutch thing, don't tell anyone.

BuyerBeware wrote:
He was a HUGE amount of support. Just having someone who thought in similar ways, who had been through similar things and could talk to me about how he had learned to deal with it in an at least semi-functional manner.


My dad is the same... he is "distinct" ... MAYBE "eccentric"... but he wouldn't ever be diagnosed, still... growing up with someone nigh ASD gave me a frame of reference to my own behaviours and examples of how to manage them better (and sometimes, how not to)...

I'm about 25% again more severe than my father... growing up in the 70s and 80s in small towns in Oregon and Idaho, I wasn't identified as anything with a clinical name (LOTS of things with charming colloquial names though). When I was diagnosed much later in life with ADD and some co-morbid depression ebbing and flowing, it seemed to answer "what is wrong with me"... I wasn't diagnosed with ASD... until my son was diagnosed.

Lex, like me, is 25% more severe than I am. Thankfully it appears (for now) that he has escaped the ADD curse, but I can't remember when I started to "fail to live up to my potential" (that is public school diagnosis for ADD, near as I can tell).

I can fight for his/my rights... he might not be able to, so hell yes, "I have ASD too, so don't think you can get away with any nonsense."

I've been 10 and obviously smarter than the adults who were trying to convince me I was wrong. I have been 15 and struggled to understand why "being myself" did the opposite of what everyone in the world said it would. I have been 20 and terrified I was never going to be normal enough to understand the basics of human relationships.

He won't stand alone. Ever. That is what my diagnosis is for.



OhkaBaka
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 151
Location: Seattle

15 Jul 2014, 6:19 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
That is why parenting advice is best shared using, "this worked for me, I don't know if it will work for you."


When I called my dad up and told him my wife was pregnant, he gave me the only piece of parenting advise I ever share, because it i probably the most prophetic and accurate piece of advice I have received in 7 years....

Quote:
A lot of people are going to give you advice about being a parent, they are all wrong.


Heh, cause my dad is awesome.



Angeniniabi
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 5 Aug 2014
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 8

06 Aug 2014, 11:35 am

My daughter now 4 suffers from mild to moderate ASD and my son showed few very mild signs but mostly he functions on the neurotypical side of the spectrum. My brother and sister, one more the other less so also has Asperger's.

Since forever I have had numerous difficulties fitting in since kindergarten days. I have learnt how to observe and blend in, but over the last 30 years suffered many minor and major breakdowns (depression, general anxiety disorder, eating disorder, ADD, claustrophobia, to name only the diagnosed lowlights. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So many things about me make sense now. That's why I often can't read people's intentions. Why I never know if they mean what they say or are politely saying so. Why I study them all the time and try to figure them out. One moment thinking, 'now I've got it' and the next realizing they can turn around and stab you in the back with a smile on their face. That's why stupid phone calls to the telephone company to fix the line can make me so anxious - it has never made sense to me.

Just to clarify I am a medical doctor with 10 years experience I the field. I would thought that I could have figured this one out by now. Well better late than never. I am quite sure that very few, if any one close to me would agree with the diagnosis, but I do not doubt it even for a second. The amount of emotional energy that it takes for me to blend in is massive. That is why I can only work maximum 6 hours per day. More than that and I and I end up with a mental breakdown due to emotional burnout. (Always felt a bit pathetic to me.)

Just thought I'd put this out there.



LokiofSassgard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2014
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 719
Location: My own autistic wonderland!

12 Sep 2014, 12:10 am

I've always suspected my parents to be on the spectrum.

My dad is very anti-social. He doesn't socialize much when it comes to the neighbors, that sort of thing. He also gets into these obsessions where he's obsessed with something for a while. Most of his interests also revolve around history and science-related matters as well. He loves to read as well. He also has moments where he has a hard time concentrating with a lot of noise, despite having hearing issues as well. It almost seems like he might have Asperger Syndrome. However, he's never been diagnosed because he grew up in an extremely poor situation.

My mom on the other hand is very social. She has no problem socializing with others BUT she does repeat herself a lot. She also has several learning and a very little developmental issues as well. She was a foster child if that makes sense too. She also gets into these severe outbursts where she says things she doesn't realize and gets all angry about something. She'll rave on about things and repeat everything, and it gets super annoying. My mom can also hear things from the living room in her bedroom, for example the game music from my 3DS, which if you think about it isn't really that loud.

I don't know what you guys think of this though, but I just notice these things everyday.


_________________
Currently diagnosed with Autistic Disorder, ADHD, severe anxiety, learning delays and developmental delays.


helloarchy
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 27 Feb 2015
Posts: 236
Location: Britannia

25 Apr 2015, 8:02 am

I'm a young dad with autism. I'm 26 and I've got a 2 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. I was only diagnosed very recently, and it marked the end of a 10 year investigation into finding out what is wrong with me. I've gone through every diagnosis of depression, borderline personality, mental instability etc. But the UK's NHS is always looking to give you a quick label and some drugs then send you on your way before you use up any more of their precious funding.

Since having kids I've really gone from bad to worse. I gained a few stone in weight, became more depressed, and even slit my wrists. I was rushed of to A&E and saved. I don't know how the NHS didn't start taking my mental health more seriously. I guess I was always dismissive of any help and just wanted to be left alone.

People who know me can't decide whether it was having kids that caused all of my mental anguish, or whether they were the tipping point. For me, I have barely coped with life for as far back as I can remember, and I used to swear that it wasn't the kids. But to tell the truth, the added noise, and screaming, and banging toys on the wall do drive me insane. I can't keep them away from my possessions, nor keep the rest of the house in an organized, orderly state. I can't get any peace with out harassment or background noise.

I guess, in a nutshell, having kids has taken away the sanctuary that was my home. The one place where I could get away from it all. Where I could breath and process everything that happens outside of the house.

I lock myself away in my bedroom. I have my computer set up in here because my "obsession" is computing, and I'm studying computer science. So I give my wife the excuse that I'm studying and need the quiet, but I spend about 30% of my time on here doing assignments, and the rest programming or developing game servers.

I hear that some men with ASD actually end up getting their own apartments, and live separately from their family. That sounds like a dream come true. But I cannot do that. I couldn't do that to my wife or kids. I love them dearly, despite the agonising mental pain that they put me through. I fight everyday to better myself, and to find the miracle formula that I need to be normal for them. There must be an answer, or something that I can do where I can be the normal NT dad for them. But I haven't found it yet.

When I try, I just end up seeing my dad in myself. I struggled immensely with my dad growing up, and still kind of do. I found him weird, unpredictable, impossible to interact with, and I resented him for it. It all makes sense now that I know he is ASD. But he was only diagnosed 6 months ago. I'm 26 now and left home when I was 19. I couldn't wait to get out. But now that I'm a dad, I keep repeating his mistakes even though I fight so hard not to. He is my anti-role-model. But the harder I try not to be like him, the more stressed I get and then in my weak state I make some school boy error.

If any of you can relate to this, and have some kind of trick or tips that I can use to be a better dad, then please share.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,075

25 Apr 2015, 9:53 am

helloarchy wrote:
I'm a young dad with autism. I'm 26 and I've got a 2 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. I was only diagnosed very recently, and it marked the end of a 10 year investigation into finding out what is wrong with me. I've gone through every diagnosis of depression, borderline personality, mental instability etc. But the UK's NHS is always looking to give you a quick label and some drugs then send you on your way before you use up any more of their precious funding.

Since having kids I've really gone from bad to worse. I gained a few stone in weight, became more depressed, and even slit my wrists. I was rushed of to A&E and saved. I don't know how the NHS didn't start taking my mental health more seriously. I guess I was always dismissive of any help and just wanted to be left alone.

People who know me can't decide whether it was having kids that caused all of my mental anguish, or whether they were the tipping point. For me, I have barely coped with life for as far back as I can remember, and I used to swear that it wasn't the kids. But to tell the truth, the added noise, and screaming, and banging toys on the wall do drive me insane. I can't keep them away from my possessions, nor keep the rest of the house in an organized, orderly state. I can't get any peace with out harassment or background noise.

I guess, in a nutshell, having kids has taken away the sanctuary that was my home. The one place where I could get away from it all. Where I could breath and process everything that happens outside of the house.

I lock myself away in my bedroom. I have my computer set up in here because my "obsession" is computing, and I'm studying computer science. So I give my wife the excuse that I'm studying and need the quiet, but I spend about 30% of my time on here doing assignments, and the rest programming or developing game servers.

I hear that some men with ASD actually end up getting their own apartments, and live separately from their family. That sounds like a dream come true. But I cannot do that. I couldn't do that to my wife or kids. I love them dearly, despite the agonising mental pain that they put me through. I fight everyday to better myself, and to find the miracle formula that I need to be normal for them. There must be an answer, or something that I can do where I can be the normal NT dad for them. But I haven't found it yet.

When I try, I just end up seeing my dad in myself. I struggled immensely with my dad growing up, and still kind of do. I found him weird, unpredictable, impossible to interact with, and I resented him for it. It all makes sense now that I know he is ASD. But he was only diagnosed 6 months ago. I'm 26 now and left home when I was 19. I couldn't wait to get out. But now that I'm a dad, I keep repeating his mistakes even though I fight so hard not to. He is my anti-role-model. But the harder I try not to be like him, the more stressed I get and then in my weak state I make some school boy error.

If any of you can relate to this, and have some kind of trick or tips that I can use to be a better dad, then please share.

I'm not sure the answer for you but I think you must stop trying to be normal for them and try to find what you can enjoy about them.....and do it......and enjoy it, and them.



domanite
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 26 Dec 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27

15 May 2015, 1:12 pm

azurecrayon wrote:
in our house, it comes down to two people who cant control themselves. my SO gets overwhelmed and gets stuck on a "i'm right, you're wrong" track and cant back down. my son gets emotional, feels backed into a corner, and continues fighting even tho he knows hes in the wrong. my SO knows N reacts this way, but he is unable to control his own emotions by that time, and so things continue to escalate. my SO will start throwing out huge punishments that cant possibly be enforced without severe agony on the parent side.


I really related to this. I'm probably undiagnosed AS, my daughter is diagnosed AS. When I butt heads with her, its very frustrating. In my case, I don't lose control (at least, that's not how I see myself :)) but I do get angry, and the only solution I can see is to is to offer and implement consequences, increasingly severe as she continues to be stubborn.

What has helped me amazingly is my wife. She knows a million different ways to deal with these situations - deflect, joke, tease, bribe, tie the desired behavior with something the daughter likes to do. I watch, learn, and remember, and I've accumulated a much wider spectrum of responses; better more productive responses; when these conflicts happen.

She's still a million times better at conflict resolution than I am - I'm lucky to have her.

If your husband is willing to admit there may be better approaches, perhaps you could try offering some very specific examples of alternative approaches. If this isn't your strength either, then it gets harder - I'm not sure where you go to learn all the different options.

[UPDATE - I just noticed that this is a reply to a years-stale discussion. Perhaps my comments can still be useful to someone.]



domanite
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 26 Dec 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27

15 May 2015, 3:05 pm

helloarchy wrote:
I hear that some men with ASD actually end up getting their own apartments, and live separately from their family. That sounds like a dream come true. But I cannot do that. I couldn't do that to my wife or kids. I love them dearly, despite the agonising mental pain that they put me through. I fight everyday to better myself, and to find the miracle formula that I need to be normal for them. There must be an answer, or something that I can do where I can be the normal NT dad for them. But I haven't found it yet.


You're never going to be normal - don't even stress about that. If it makes you feel better, there are tons of people, even tons of NT people, who are less normal than you. "Normal" is a pretty nebulous concept.

The most important thing you can do (to be a better dad) is to focus less on "what do I need?" and focus more on "what do my kids need?" Consider it like a school project, and do some research. An intellectual exercise. You'll probably find things on that list that are hard for you - that's ok. See if you can find other people to fill those holes. You shouldn't have to do this by yourself.

I really hope you can be honest about these issues with your wife or SO - she can be your most valuable ally.

Good luck, and keep in touch - I'd bet this forum would be a good source of specific advice, if you have more specific issues you want to raise.

Bruce



helloarchy
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 27 Feb 2015
Posts: 236
Location: Britannia

18 May 2015, 5:40 pm

Thank you both for your kind words.



Tripolar
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
Location: Arizona

29 May 2015, 1:14 pm

Hello, people of the planet. I am an AS diagnosed parent with an 8mo son. We have recently discovered a most undesirable problem with regular proceedings, such as changing diapers. My default work mode is slow and thorough, whereas my wife is somewhat faster and more willing to "cut corners". Our child often gets bored and tries to crawl away halfway through a diaper change, and if his freedom is restricted he is most displeased.

How can I reduce the time used for such tasks while still being sufficiently thorough to satisfy my values?

(Though not strictly ASD related, this is still something I find myself having trouble with whereas most people around me seem perfectly capable.)


_________________
Whatever I say, remember these words: No offense intended unless I clearly state otherwise.


flamingo
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2015
Posts: 29

09 Jun 2015, 4:06 pm

helloarchy wrote:
I'm a young dad with autism. I'm 26 and I've got a 2 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. I was only diagnosed very recently, and it marked the end of a 10 year investigation into finding out what is wrong with me. I've gone through every diagnosis of depression, borderline personality, mental instability etc. But the UK's NHS is always looking to give you a quick label and some drugs then send you on your way before you use up any more of their precious funding.

Since having kids I've really gone from bad to worse. I gained a few stone in weight, became more depressed, and even slit my wrists. I was rushed of to A&E and saved. I don't know how the NHS didn't start taking my mental health more seriously. I guess I was always dismissive of any help and just wanted to be left alone.

People who know me can't decide whether it was having kids that caused all of my mental anguish, or whether they were the tipping point. For me, I have barely coped with life for as far back as I can remember, and I used to swear that it wasn't the kids. But to tell the truth, the added noise, and screaming, and banging toys on the wall do drive me insane. I can't keep them away from my possessions, nor keep the rest of the house in an organized, orderly state. I can't get any peace with out harassment or background noise.

I guess, in a nutshell, having kids has taken away the sanctuary that was my home. The one place where I could get away from it all. Where I could breath and process everything that happens outside of the house.

I lock myself away in my bedroom. I have my computer set up in here because my "obsession" is computing, and I'm studying computer science. So I give my wife the excuse that I'm studying and need the quiet, but I spend about 30% of my time on here doing assignments, and the rest programming or developing game servers.

I hear that some men with ASD actually end up getting their own apartments, and live separately from their family. That sounds like a dream come true. But I cannot do that. I couldn't do that to my wife or kids. I love them dearly, despite the agonising mental pain that they put me through. I fight everyday to better myself, and to find the miracle formula that I need to be normal for them. There must be an answer, or something that I can do where I can be the normal NT dad for them. But I haven't found it yet.

When I try, I just end up seeing my dad in myself. I struggled immensely with my dad growing up, and still kind of do. I found him weird, unpredictable, impossible to interact with, and I resented him for it. It all makes sense now that I know he is ASD. But he was only diagnosed 6 months ago. I'm 26 now and left home when I was 19. I couldn't wait to get out. But now that I'm a dad, I keep repeating his mistakes even though I fight so hard not to. He is my anti-role-model. But the harder I try not to be like him, the more stressed I get and then in my weak state I make some school boy error.

If any of you can relate to this, and have some kind of trick or tips that I can use to be a better dad, then please share.

Remember what it was like for you to be a child with him as a father, and use that as fuel to be the best parent you can be. I know the kids are young (I have 3 - 5, 4, and 11 months) but get them involved in activities you like to do or things you like. Maybe purchase a computer they can play on or a kids computer and just have light play, or teach them how to do simple things. I'm pretty strict with my girls, but they know (even the baby) not to touch mommy's things, and they help clean and pick up things around the house. I make it a game with the baby to pick up her toys, and she loves it. Loud noise from TV and playing and crying all gets to me, but music has been my safe haven, so I always have music that I like playing. My kids know more Morrissey songs than actual kids songs :lol: So maybe you could play music or have a program or persons voice that soothes you going in the background. It took me a few years but I finally enjoy kids and I finally have patience. You have to want it badly and you have to work hard, and it's not always easy, but you CAN do it. Always talk with your wife so she knows how you feel and can help unobjectively. Good luck!



flamingo
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2015
Posts: 29

09 Jun 2015, 4:11 pm

Tripolar wrote:
Hello, people of the planet. I am an AS diagnosed parent with an 8mo son. We have recently discovered a most undesirable problem with regular proceedings, such as changing diapers. My default work mode is slow and thorough, whereas my wife is somewhat faster and more willing to "cut corners". Our child often gets bored and tries to crawl away halfway through a diaper change, and if his freedom is restricted he is most displeased.

How can I reduce the time used for such tasks while still being sufficiently thorough to satisfy my values?

(Though not strictly ASD related, this is still something I find myself having trouble with whereas most people around me seem perfectly capable.)

My only decent advice is to try to distract him with a toy, and be sure to not turn diaper changes into a game (he crawls away, you pull him back, he laughs - I made this mistake with my youngest). Otherwise I think it's on you to try to be more efficient. I don't know what your routine is, but maybe get everything ready beforehand so you can just lay him down and get it done. We cloth diaper and my daughter loves to crawl away, so I make sure to get her diaper folded first and put it into the cover, then spray down the wipe, that way everything can be done before she makes it to the other end of the house
>.<'



Anachron
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2015
Posts: 431
Location: Within & Beyond

09 Jul 2015, 3:15 pm

helloarchy wrote:
...the added noise, and screaming, and banging toys on the wall do drive me insane. I can't keep them away from my possessions, nor keep the rest of the house in an organized, orderly state. I can't get any peace with out harassment or background noise.

I guess, in a nutshell, having kids has taken away the sanctuary that was my home. The one place where I could get away from it all. Where I could breath and process everything that happens outside of the house. ...

...If any of you can relate to this, and have some kind of trick or tips that I can use to be a better dad, then please share.


I can relate but I came here to find answers. I have an 18 month spaz and earplugs are my best defence for now. I would love to hear more of how other people deal with the chaos.



Anachron
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2015
Posts: 431
Location: Within & Beyond

09 Jul 2015, 3:27 pm

Tripoar,

I had a similar problem where my wife is all slap-dash and leaves a big mess and I prefer to do a good job. The baby got very impatient with me taking the time to do it right. I kept my routine and included my baby by singing the steps outloud to her. I would make sound effects with the items, waving things in the air, Peek-a-boo kisses, and this seemed to be enough to carry her attention long enough for me to do things my way. Eventually, my baby liked my way so much more that now she screams bloody murder at the way my wife does it.



AnnaBananaDee
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 18 Aug 2015
Age: 37
Posts: 2
Location: California

18 Aug 2015, 5:19 pm

Hi. I'm an aspie with what I'm told is an NT child, but considering I was only diagnosed recently, and not before MY realization of it, I'm a bit skeptical. I understand that we female aspies, are more difficult to diagnose since apparently, we slightly differ from males. My problem is this, I'm extremely overstimulated when I have to discipline her assertively. I'm a single mom, and I know I do better when in a two parent situation. Mostly because I rely on support from the other parent on dealing with HER meltdowns, and oh boy does she have them. I can't take the screaming the having to chase her, the back talk or when in public, strangers telling me that I'm a bad mother, because I refuse to spank her(overstimulation) and because I let her choose her own behaviors, as well as letting her deal with her own consequences as a result. My daughter is four. She's super smart, and is believe she takes advantage of my being an aspie, and scream's on purpose just so she gets her way. She going to live with her dad soon, but I wonder if these are normal feelings, or if it's because I'm an aspie. Any tips?



justkillingtime
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,892
Location: Washington, D.C.

18 Aug 2015, 5:34 pm

AnnaBananaDee wrote:
Hi. I'm an aspie with what I'm told is an NT child, but considering I was only diagnosed recently, and not before MY realization of it, I'm a bit skeptical. I understand that we female aspies, are more difficult to diagnose since apparently, we slightly differ from males. My problem is this, I'm extremely overstimulated when I have to discipline her assertively. I'm a single mom, and I know I do better when in a two parent situation. Mostly because I rely on support from the other parent on dealing with HER meltdowns, and oh boy does she have them. I can't take the screaming the having to chase her, the back talk or when in public, strangers telling me that I'm a bad mother, because I refuse to spank her(overstimulation) and because I let her choose her own behaviors, as well as letting her deal with her own consequences as a result. My daughter is four. She's super smart, and is believe she takes advantage of my being an aspie, and scream's on purpose just so she gets her way. She going to live with her dad soon, but I wonder if these are normal feelings, or if it's because I'm an aspie. Any tips?


I found taking something away that is really important to them an effective way to stop bad behavior. "You need to be quiet or no TV for the rest of the day" or no friends over for a week or no computer access for today, etc. Also, "no allowance this week if you don't follow the rules."


_________________
Impermanence.