I feel my husband has Asperger's Syndrom... what to do???

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Hi InLove. I am curious to know if you have spoken to your husband yet as I have been holding on to the strong possibility that my husband is As for over a year now (marriage counsellor told me in one of our 0ne-to-one sessions. Also told me not to tell him as she couldn't tell how he would react - very unprofessional of her). I have read a lot about aspergers and am also convinced that he has it.
I am finding the strain of knowing this info and not telling him, too much to carry now. I have another situation within my family which is weighing very heavy on my mind and I feel that now is the time to try and share the As info with my husband rather than me being totally responsible for it and having to do all the understanding when he behaves hurtfully, which he often does. I feel slightly afraid to approach him about it as I feel that he will blame me for believing the counsellor and the whole thing will then be my fault. I know that he will never change but maybe if he can understand where he is coming from he might then be able to understand why and possibly address it.
I would love to hear how things went with your husbnand and if you coulkd possibly pass on any tips.
Many thanks

hi, Bejabo! Thanks for writing to me, as it helps me to realise that I am not alone and there are a lot of couples like us out there.
I have not spoken to my husband yet as he is away at the moment, but I made a decision that I will, as soon as he comes back. At first I decided not to tell him anything and I have to admit it was quite hard for me as well to keep this discovery to myself, but at the same time I knew I had to be prepared for this conversation and prepare him as well. He is in another country at the moment and even though we speak every day, it has been even more difficult to communicate, so I told him that we can try and give our relations one more chance when he comes back, I told him that I have something to tell him which I believe will help us to build our relations again. I also told him he will have to be prepared to contribute and take responsibility. I also reassured him that despite all the problems and issues we have, I love him and this will never change. I can't imagine my life without him.
May be it is hard for you to understand what I mean without knowing the details of our realtions and different stages we went through as well as the problems we had to face, but what I know for sure is that if I find the right words (and I am sure I can do this) - he will understand and we have a good chance of making it work.
It is hard to give any sort of advise without knowing your side of the story. I agree with you that he has to know where the root cause of all your issues is. The problem is whether he is willing to listen and accept, whether he is ready. I can't advise on that. Please feel free to pm me, I will be happy to tell you more about us and find out about your relations, we may help each other, or support at least.

Hi InLove

I will pm you later in the week as my husbnand is off work for a cople of days and it's easier to write when he's not around.

One of the many things that stuck out for me in what you wrote was this;

"Only sometimes I can see a glimpse of my husband I know through his letters and books (some of them autobiographical, filled with humor and self criticism)."

I feel exactly the same. At the moment all I see is this very difficult persona that he is engulfed in but then now and again I get to see the man I met and married. Unfortunately it isn't often enough and I feel quite sad about it.

Anyway, pm soon, all the best

Are you sure it isn't something other than aspergers?

Have you looked into narcissism?

Hi, theygoMew!
the more I read about Aspergers the more I think about the way he is, I am 99.95% sure inthis diagnoses. What I am not so sure about is whether he wants to stay with me... But I suppose I will have to make my choice, as at the moment it looks to me that he made his choices, and I don't feel I am a part of them. He says one thing and does the opposite.

Hmm...have you thought of perhaps sending him an email with the aspie test?

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

I can explain the forgetfulness and the lack of attention on anything but his specail interest, and the cant get his act together

This has a name: It is called "executive functioning dysfuction" which is very common in aspies
It is basicly the mental equivalent of walking backwards on a treadmill while trying to go to the store to get groceries.

It causes the brain to have trouble with priorities and trouble focusing on tasks that are not mentally stimulating. It doesnt mean he doesnt care, but that his brain has trouble putting things in the right order and makes him very scatterbrained with something like loading the dishwasher, but gives him great temperary focus on something that really interests him...like writing. Aspies also have a problem where a special interest will wane and it becomes like loading the diswasher and he cant focus on it.
Depression can make EFD alot worse causing what is known as decompensating where he will actually loose mental ground and social skills will worsen. The fate of his sister probably makes him feel helpless, so he decompensates and goes abroad so he does not have to face the enevible which may be too much for him to handle. Aspie's express grief in really odd ways, some aspies dont even feel grief as it is not an emotion that they are capable of feeling, like me.

I have a really severe case of EFD to the point that I am writing poetry and trying to get published, and the house is a total mess as everytime I try to work on it...my mind gets really sluggish and unresponsive to the task at hand...and forcing myself through that mental sludge takes sooo much energy. So I end up working at it alittle but then get so worn out that I stop what I am doing leaving the rest for someone else and try to build my energy by sitting quietly by myself. I really need a very uncluttered living space as alot of stuff leaves me overwhelmed visually and I feel mentally paralized in how to clean it up.

hope this helps,

Jojo

Hi, Jojobean. thanks for the post and the insight. It all makes sence, and I think you are right here. as for his sister, I am not sure whether he feels any thing, unless he is hiding his feelings. Sometimes I think he is not able to empathise at all. But I may be wrong here.
I am pleased to say that from my first post here on WP, I feel I discovered so many things about my husband, our relations and it is all thanks to you and all other people here who shared their experiences with me. I am so grateful for it. It is an eye opening experience and I leant something new everyday. This helped me to understand my husband more and it made us happier. He phones me everyday now and I want to believe that we have a happy future together.

Get him to a professional, or look in the mirror instead of trying to see how to fix him. My wife is awesome. She is patient, and doesn't freak out too much. Certain sounds can send me spinning into a dark chasm of anxiety (worse than Nietsche's abyss). She still doesn't understand, though, and thinks a choice exists. If you can't live with him the way he is, leave him, because he would be better off than you convincing him there's something wrong with him. Or, help him become who he is. Become who you are.

I apreciate your opinion, but if you read my last post, I did "look" in the mirror. This is the whole point why I am here, on WP , to learn... And I did! I wasn't trying to "fix" him as you say, I was trying to understand him. The only thing I have a problem with at the moment is his lying. But again, I want to know whether there is something else behind... I love him more than anything and he loves me, this is the reason why we are together and I hope always will be.
As for the specialist, it will be up to him to decide I think . All I am going to do is to tell him about my discovery and tell him that if I ever hurt him unintentioally, is because I didn't realise how different we were.

hi, everyone! I am back with good news about my story. My husband came back to visit us for a couple of days. We had a good chat and I told him about AS. I was really worried and nervous about his reaction, but to my surprise he was very interested and he said it sounded a lot like him. He took back a book on As and long-term relations. We both know now we have a very good and strong bond between us and are able to cope with anything.
I want to thank you all for your support and advice I received here. I still hope to be in touch with all the friends I made here. I mentioned WP to my husband as well, and about all of you guys. I am so grateful to you as I don't think I would be able to do it on my own.

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BassMan_720, I want to thank you especially as in your message I found something very warm and positive, it's hard to explain, but I guess you sounded like my husband and thanks to you I could see him in different light, if I can say so. You helped me to regain my trust in him.
xxx

Hi InLove
I'm new to this forum but not new to living with spouse with AS.
Your post really reminded me about my own marriage, viewpoints and experience.
My spouse and I been together for 13 years and we have a 12 years old, it has been a really hard ride and I'm feeling I'm running in circles. Reading this thread helped a lot.

I sincerely hope for the best for both of you, in fact for everyone in your family.