I feel my husband has Asperger's Syndrom... what to do???

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Hi, guys! I am new here. Looking for information, support and opinions. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We were madly in love with each other from the moment we met. Got married a months later. Now it's been five years... very difficult ones for me and only now (after doing some research) I came to a conclusion that my second half may have Asperger's Syndrome. What do I do???? I feel so frustrated... I love him so much but our life is turning into a nightmare.... I won't be able to go on like this... I am looking for an advise...

Hello Inlove,

Perhaps you could elaborate on what is not going smoothly? I would like to help (because I like to help people) but it would be easier if I knew what the issue(s) is(are).

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hi,LostAlien! thank you for your message. I don't know where to start ...
I can try and describe his personality... very obsessive, if he decides he wants to have something, he will do anything to get it - this brought us in a horrid financial situation. he seems to forget about our daughter and myself in the most important moments of our life and doesn't pay much attention to our feelings or show much interest in our lives. He says he has a very bad memory, but to me it looks that he forgets or blocks things that he is not interested in, or he doesn't want to do.
He never shows his initiative in anything that has to do with solving problems. His time management skill are not the greatest where responsibility is concerned, but at the same time he would never be late for his clients (when he used to work), or he is never late /never forgets about meetings with his friends .
At first I thought he was selfish or he simply didn't want us in his life, but he says it is not true and he gets really upset when I say I don't feel his love.
HE seems to live in his own world.... I am not sure if I am making sense or even able to describe it all ... what made me think that he may have AS is the fact, that his sister (who is severely autistic ) has been diagnosed with cancer recently and, unfortunately, at this point there is nothing that could be done for her. We are waiting for the worst and inevitable. His parents are in their eighties now, they are devastated. I am spending a lot of time helping them to look after my sister-in-law and try to support them, but my husband decided he is going abroad to pursue his ambitions in music... he says there is nothing he can help his parents with or his sister and he doesn't see why he should stay with us.
He has been unemployed for a very long time and since we got married I was the one to provide for the family, working full time, doing housework, looking after his parents when they needed help. He doesn't want to work (it looks like that to me) but at the same time he is always occupied with something. He tried to start his business on many occasions but every time when there was something that he wanted to buy (a new car, a new guitar,etc) he would use all the money he could raise/drain from his business/and his parents and go and buy it.
He may be very cold and introverted (most of the time) and very caring other times. He doesn't see he has problems, but I know he gets depressed. He also cannot handle stress at all... that's just an outline of his personality and our life together... I feel so lost and wonder are there anyone like us and is there anything that could help us...

That sounds like the noncommunicative side of being aspie. He's asking if there's something in practical terms he can do, and the answer is probably no. Instead just being there and a hug. (although still respecting the space you yourself need)

Okay, as an aspie male myself. I have patchy social skills. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to interact, and then I slump. So, the good news, it might appear for all the world like sometime is intentional and it really might not be.

The very aspect that my social skills is patchy can throw people off. They might think, well, if you can do this, then certainly you can do this other thing. And the answer really might be no. Just because I haven't learned the second thing, or there's something glitchy or quirky about it.

I have had good relationships. I'm really looking forward to my next one, where I can be honest, since I now know I most probably am on the spectrum and can just ask, Are you hip to someone being aspie? And then share some about myself and get the conversation going and allow it to be nonperfect (that last part, I can struggle with)

I need a lot of alone time, almost off the chart. (not a musician, but I'm a writer and I take a lot of long walks, and I also like to be in my room by myself) If I don't get the alone time, it kind of increasingly becomes a need. But, I very much enjoy the together time and find myself looking forward to it.

thank you, AardvarkGoodSwimmer. I feel I need to learn more and research more. What I am not sure about is whether I should tell my husband about my discovery (as I said I only realized that there may be a simple answer to his behavior few days ago) and how to do it?...
I want us to be happy and learn to understand him (I've been trying to do it all the time with no positive outcome.... now it all starts making sense...)

The spending thing sounds like a totally separate problem.

Based on what you have said there are probably be more than just AS related issues here. The impulse to buy may be depression.

I would like to be nice about it but it seems that your husband doesn't know what his responsibilities are. Is his sister in a hospice or at home? and if at home do his parents have professional home help? Have the two of you sat down and discussed his parents needs?

Sometimes those of us on the Spectrum need to have things laid out very clearly (sometimes even stuff that many would consider obvious needs to be said).

It may be helpful to get couples counseling and learning about what love means to each of you (people can define what represents love differently and this can cause problems). A thing to keep in mind though, Aspie or Neurotypical (or anywhere inbetween), it takes two people to be in a relationship and if you decide you want to do couples counseling it will take the two of you working together. If your husband doesn't put some work into it too, there's no point.

Going back to your husbands actions/intentions, he could be very upset about his sister especially if they're close. About his work, did he quit or was he let go? And why?

He's been acting irresponsibly and figuring out why would be a big help to you regarding figuring out what you want/need to do.

What I've learned through my relationship is that respect and trust are as important as love and that every relationship requires working at it partially because people change and partially because relationships are like houses (they need to be maintained, cracks need plastering or the house falls down eventually).

I hope this has helped a little and hasn't been too harsh. As I say in my signature, pm me if you want to.

The spending problem is one of the biggest, especially when he is not earning. at the moment he has no assess to bank accounts but by the time I realized this was a necessity, it was too late. I do believe it somehow has to do with the way he is.
I forgot to mention big and small lies he tells all the time, and he knows now that there is no point lying to me, as I can tell just by looking at him whether he is saying true or not.
Another feature of his character is he has a great sense of humor, he can see humor in situations where others can't and makes great jokes but he doesn't get jokes/pranks of other people, he either doesn't see the funny side or takes it seriously, believes that it is true...
He also is a very good writer. He started writing few books but none of them has been finished. I think he could make a good living out of it, but for some reason he lost interest in writing.
One more thing is that it is easier for him to express himself in writing rather then communication with people. a person in his books and a person in real life - are two completely different people. Only sometimes I can see a glimpse of my husband I know through his letters and books (some of them autobiographical, filled with humor and self criticism).
I also noticed his emotions do not reflect his facial expressions and he doesn't make eye contact. He plays/and sings in a band and I know music means a lot to him, it is the air he breathes, but when he sings I can't see any facial expressions ... just blank face... but his voice is so filled with emotions, it is as if he is wearing a mask....

I would lean toward telling him. And how is almost more important. Maybe that you're read that autism is a spectrum and (brief description of a negative with his behavior) (then brief description of a positive). The negative first so it won't feel like a pounce and an ambush.

And maybe first if you could remember and even write down some of the really good connections the two of you have had.

And it might take him a while to wrap his mind around the whole idea and that you still love him and that you're not going to leave him because he's 'defective.'

Now, for me, Asperger's / Autism Spectrum gives me a conceptual whole to better understand myself, and examples of people who have done well with this separate, 'different' set of skills and attributes. Your husband may have another way of understanding himself and another way(s) of finding positives. You kind of need to accept the very real possibility that he may never accept that he is 'on the spectrum,' and that's okay.

So, I very much recommend conversations with medium steps and giving him time.

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Him telling you lies is not cool. Not cool at all. Now, without justifying, it still might be advantageous to understand why. And my first guess might be that he feels in arrears. So much heavy s**t is going on, a sister he perhaps has not connected that well with, who is now dying and he can't do anything for, and perhaps now he'll never connect with (or overtry and be clumsy, instead of letting it happen if it's going to happen). The job situation, and that does grind on a person, especially a man. Art sometimes goes well, sometimes doesn't, that's my experience as a writer. So, maybe he lies temporarily putting off dealing with things planning to come clean to you sometime in the indefinite future. Maybe in a single sentence or two tell him that it bothers you and you wished that he didn't do it.

May be clinical depression, may not be. I really encourage you to trust your gut instinct regarding this.

A person on the spectrum certainly can have depression. As I understand it, the baseline for people in general is that approximately 25% of people will have an anxiety or depression problem at some time during their life significant enough that medication would help. Whether or not a person gets medication is another matter.

I tend to think those of us on the spectrum are somewhat more likely due to social isolation, nonconnection, etc. But 25% is already a pretty high baseline.

And I think we can help others and help ourselves by talking about this and finding and excerpting good news articles. As an example, I started the following post and other people jumped in and helped:
SSRIs and SNRIs for depression?
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt158330.html

A person can see the best doctor in their city, get a prescription for zoloft or Cymbalta for example, and it might work and it might not. It's just the case that human biochem is complicated and subtle. The best doctor in the world cannot predict whether a particular medication will work for a particular patient. In a very respectable sense, it is trial and error. That's just where the science is at this time. <---And how would a person know this if someone didn't tell them?

Please Note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. all I do is look up something like SNRI on google news (and the more specific the better) and make straightforward judgment calls on what are better news sources. I guess I'm an alright guy I do try. So, yes, I think we can help educate ourselves and others, and at the very least help us ask better questions as patients for those of us who do struggle with depression issues.

An undiagnosed adult with aspergers is adrift in a world that doesn't make sense - depression and anger are just two of the many perfectly rational responses to this.

Even with diagnosis, it's only the information that improves: some deficiencies can be remedied with coaching and practice but others remain. If he's determined to go, you could likely make a better life without him.

thank you for all your support and information, guys! I will keep researching and prepare myself for this conversation. I feel a lot better about the whole situation now. You gave me a lot of tools I can use to try and save our marriage. I hope to be in touch and around. xxx

Hi Inlove

Aspergers comes in many shades. I am also not a professional so I cannot judge if your husband has AS. From your description I think it is possible. I share some, but not all of your husband's attributes. For example, I am not a compulsive spender. (I even share your husband's love of music. I'm still rockin and Rollin at 52.)

I do not have a diagnosis and I have led a very successful life so far. My wife and I recently realized that I had AS on discovering our 10 year old daughter had AS. My daughter and I are very alike in many ways. I went through 51 years without knowing anything about AS or that anything was wrong with me or my relationship with my wife. We had our ups and downs, not unlike most relationships. It transpires that my lack of attention to my family, poor emotional response and inability to empathize with my wife, amongst other things have built up frustration, resentment and anger in my wife over the years. There are several websites full of accounts of women married to AS men that are tough reading. I was devastated when I realized how much pain I have inadvertently drip fed over the years.

None of the pain and heartache that I have caused has been intentional. A big weakness on my part, a common AS symptom, is not being able to deal with lots of information communicated to me at one time. For example, I am totally blind to non verbal communication in real time (I often feel stupid when I realize too late what I have missed). Seeing as the greatest part of communication is via non verbal means, this is a great disadvantage. I have very strong reasoning skills but I now know that my reasoning and subsequent actions have been flawed because they were based on partial or incorrect information that would be easily dealt with and taken for granted by an NT person. I now also know that my wife and family considder many things important that I will never understand.

Now that I understand that I have some limitations, I can react differently. I can never turn back the clock and I know that I will, on occasion, continue to make mistakes but I now know that I have to make effort to take into account those little things (and not so little things) that are important to those close to me, even if I don’t understand why they are important.

Your husband will only be able to change things if he can accept and have a basic understanding of why that he is different from you. It may not be an easy task to discuss this with your husband. If it were not for our AS daughter, I would probably have reacted badly and rejected any suggestion that there was anything out of the ordinary. I would have continued to bumble through life, oblivious to the hurt I was causing.

If your husband can accept his differences, you may still need to make adjustments to ensure that you communicate well with your husband.
I sincerely wish you and your husband well and hope that you can succeed and make changes early, before resentment and anger set in. I wish that I had known I had AS 20 years ago.

Welcome!

@ BassMan: thank you so much for your message, BassMan! you cannot imagine how much your story helped me to find an explanation to my husband's actions and behaviour. It is as if i was reading his letter to me. His unability to empathize, to show his emotios, blindness to non-verbal communication..., I used to think he was selfish, cold but at the same time I knew it possibly coulnd't be true as he did show that he cared and loved. I also used to think that he lied to me, saying that he forgot to do what needed to be done, even though I reminded him in the morning on the day. I am not sure whether this has anything to do with Asperger's, but I now understand... Thank you again. I haven't had chance to speak to him yet, firstly because he now is abroad, and secondly I am not ready yet, I don't want to ruin anything. I agree with you that it is entirely up to him whether he will be willing to accept that we are so different from each other and we both need to ajust and find a way to communicate better. I hope he will, if I can find the correct words and the correct way....