Could have Aspergers? Very confused...

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elmoo
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02 Jul 2011, 6:17 pm

I've been very frustrated and confused about myself for a long time, recently I've been thinking about my behaviour to other people more and more, and I think I may have aspergers... I know it's silly to self-diagnose but I fell a bit stupid going to the doctor about it - I thought I'd ask on here first for anyone's opinions. (and apologise for the rambling!)

I guess my reasoning to have aspergers is just that i feel that I had this when growing up - but that I feel I've conquered it a little in my adult life. I feel that there is something innately missing in me to connect with people.

When I was a young kid - up until about 9 years old I was fine. Then for some reason I found it really hard to have friends. The girls I was good friends with found boys interesting - I didn't. And I just did not connect with anyone. I found myself spending lunch hours on sitting on my own. I felt crap but didn't think about it. I remember being in high school - 13-14yrs and I had 'friends' - but I was really just a hanger on. I remember not doing anything about it - not thinking about it. I used to sit near them with my headphones on. I used to sit next to them in class and not talk. I felt comfortable not talking. Like I thought this was normal. Now I realise this is not normal! I just didn't make an effort. I became friends with some geeky boys and felt confortable with them cos they didn't care about fashion etc.
I remember girls bullying me, but it didn't bother me. I had purple juice poured down my top once, it really didn't bother me. I walked around with it on. It didn't bother me so I ignored it, I had no shame at all. Lot of incidents like this. I never cried as a child (as in from 7onwards) I know this because I remember feeling quite proud of it. No tears until I got a boyfriend at 16yrs old.

I also had really bad OCD. As in having to touch things all the time - all the light switches I walked past, or making noises with my throat or flicking my arm out. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. Even when a friend told me I couldn't go round hers anymore because her Mum thought I was wierd for my jerky arm, it didn't bother me. It was like I was oblivious to everything. Now I still have this but much more under control and subtle.

I remember one of my college friends giving me a tarot reading. I don't believe in this but I guess it gave my friend a chance to say to me what I was really like. He said that people want to get to know me, but I don't let them. And that if I don't I will be lonely. I've thought about that recently and it's true. But I do not do it on purpose! It really feels like to me that I have something wrong with me. Like I have some innate inability to make friends easily.

At university, I made one friend. I went to uni in my hometown so I had my boyfriend and a social life so not so bad but, I realise its pretty wierd. I remember spending time in toilets. Eating my lunch in the library. I don't know why. I still do it though - and I don't know why. I just avoid people. Its easier that making small talk that just goes wrong.

Now I'm 30yrs old. (although I feel like I'm 21). I have an active social life - because I'm really into music and go to gigs alot. So there are alot of 'open' events I go to. I feel confortable there. I will say that I have 3 close friends (so I know, I've very lucky). One is pregnant, other has a baby, so the third I pretty much rely on for my social life now.
I know people like me. I'll go to a gig/party and everyone will give me a hug and ask how I am, haven't seen me for ages etc. I know they care about me. But noone has my phone number, noone asks me out unless it's an 'open' event. I even have two housemates. Tonight, she had a friend over that I also know, then they went out without asking me if I wanted to go too. My other housemate does this too (tho he's a guy).
I'm certainly not desperate, I'll go out of my way to not seem desperate.

I feel so stupid complaining because I have a ok social life, but this is because of the scene I'm in. It hurts that I'm not invited to stuff. Facebook is awful. If everyone I know wasn't going out all the time it would be fine. But they are always out!
Its very frustrating. I know people like me. At the end of college (at which I made very few friends) loads of people came up to me and said 'you're so cool, blah blah'. So if I'm so cool why not be friends with me! I don't get it. I've been told by friends everyone likes me. I am nice, I definitely don't gossip, I'm very loyal. (Maybe the not gossiping thing is the problem?!)

I'm fine with making friends initially. I've been travelling and met loads of people, got on really well, travelled with for couple weeks etc.
In all jobs/college etc I always get on well with people at first. Then it all goes wrong. I was probably not making an effort. But I really don't know how! I started a new job a few months ago (I'm a PhD student). I was determined for this not to happen this time as I'm here for 4 years - but of course it has. I wanted to be sociable with other students. I work mainly on my own so it's hard to meet people anyway but I got invited to the bar after work. I thought it went well. I never got invited back. I'm not that bothered as I don't think I have much in common with them. But it doesn't seem good, and make things aukward. Theres a student teambuilding weekend away - I really don't want to go because of this.

My overall thing is that I hate small talk. I will aviod people to avoid this. I do alot of avoiding at work. I'd rather that I not speak to anyone than see them and try to make small talk and fail and say something totally stupid (I usually do). So I keep myself to myself at work. Which is not good as I'm supposed to be meeting people. I've thought about seeing a student councellor about this as it's affecting my work, and will probably affect my career.

I also drink too much. When I go out I always have to have a couple drinks before to make it easier to talk to people. I'm not a bad drunk though. But my family are worried as we have a history of alcoholism. I'm a bit drunk now, I have to admit.

I will mention I've had boyfriends. One for 10 years, another for 5 years, only split up a few months ago. I don't think I really loved either of them. Sad hey? Both times it was them initiating the split cos they felt there was something wrong. I felt there was something wrong the whole way through, just never could split with them - don't know why. First boyfriend was abusive.

I don't need advice on how to make friends. I know. I just really feel like I have an inability to do it.
I worked in a call centre for a long time. The people I worked with had no social life, cos they had kids etc. But I knew that they could have if they wanted to. But I want one but I can't do it. Its frustrating.

I've only been thinking about this for the last couple years, and my life has got better, as I'm thinking about my actions more and being more open to people. I've been making a real effort. I always make sure I'm smiling, and receptive to people, which has helped a bit. But I think if I could truly understand why I'm like this, then it could help me more, stop the stuff going round and round and round in my head. Accept who I am. Thats all I want.

I guess my reasoning to have aspergers is just that i feel that I had this when growing up - but that I feel I've conquered it a little in my adult life. I feel that there is something innately missing in me to connect with people.

Any comments very much appeciated x



littlelily613
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02 Jul 2011, 8:25 pm

Some of the symptoms you mentioned do resemble those of Aspergers; however, whether or not you actually have Aspergers is unclear. I am NOT sure, but I am kind of leading toward the possibility of no, and this is why. You said up until the age of 9 you were fine. So, you had NO autistic-like traits until you were 9? If this is the case, than I do not think you are on the spectrum because Aspergers does not appear as you get older. Symptoms can improve or even worsen over the course of a person's life; however, autism does not simply appear out of nowhere. It is a developmental disorder that one has from birth. There are other disorders that can manifest Aspergers-like symptoms such as anxiety and OCD in some people. I would suggest checking in with a psychologist IF you feel the need. If nothing is bothering you now to the point where you life is feeling limited, then you may not want to worry about that right now.


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mori_pastel
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02 Jul 2011, 9:59 pm

Littlelily brings up a good point. AS is a life-long condition, BUT it is possible to have "not had problems" before a certain age. Not because you weren't exhibiting autistic behaviors, but because those behaviors were seen as less of a problem by others in childhood, leading to a "typical" childhood social life.

One of my favorite AS "celebrities," Rudy Simone, wrote about something like this in her book Aspergirls. She talks about how she didn't have any social problems until middle school/puberty because before then her differences were seen as "cool" by her peers. But then puberty hit and all the girls started getting more interested in boys and fashion, leaving her behind. And more than that, her social difficulties stopped being funny quirks in the eyes of kids and started being freaky differences in the eyes of teenagers. It wasn't so much that her behavior changed, but the way she was perceived was changed.

I've read many AS experiences that describe this same basic thing. The little Aspie grows up. S/he hits the terrible teens, and (as Rudy Simone puts it) "it flips us on our heads and you can see our autistic underbelly." This is because the "rules" for socializing change drastically around this time. Socializing becomes more complex, friendships come with more demands, and the gender differences become more apparent. Teenage Aspies seem to be stuck in kid-mode and have difficulty understanding why their friends now want to play with makeup instead of toys and go to the movies with boys/girls instead of them.

It could really be either, just from what you've described. You could have AS or you could be extremely introverted. How do you tell the difference? Well, there's the obvious route of talking to a professional, but if you don't feel it's worth the investment, try gathering information on your own. Read articles online, find books. Talk to your parents/guardians to see what you were like as a kid, if possible. Look deeper into your current behavior.

One of AS's major components is an impairment in non-verbal communication, which can manifest as numerous things. The most typical impairment is a general lack of eye contact. Others are mind-blindness (difficulty in reading others' facial expressions), unusual gait or posture, flattened "affect" (tone of voice), limited facial expressions, limited hand gestures, and a dozen others. Some of these you may not even realize you have a problem in (I didn't realize I had a problem reading faces) until you ask others or carefully analyze your own behavior.

If you're really concerned that you might have AS, the best thing you could probably do would be to educate yourself. It won't be enough to read the DSM criteria, you're going to have to really look into the subject to get a feel for what life on the spectrum is like. It's not a simple topic to understand, due mainly to the fact that it's a spectrum disorder. Each individual's experience is unique while being similar. Stick around for awhile and do as much reading as you can! Bar going to a specialist, it's the only way to know.



elmoo
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03 Jul 2011, 5:01 pm

Thanks for your replies.
I do know I was a 'wierd' kid. I've always had OCD. One of my first memories is having an uncontrollable urge to open the car door while the car was moving, to the point I had to lock the door. I must have been 4yrs old. I used to steal money from my parents without feeling this was wrong. My friends would turn up to see if I wanted to play, and I'd outright say no and ignore them. But when you're a kid it doesn't seem to matter. Young kids don't judge. Everythings easy. It's when my friends started getting older that they started to think I was wierd - I didn't change.

I'm really just trying to make sense of my life. Since I've started to do this I've been feeling a lot better about myself. But theres alot more I want to find out. Thanks for the advice. I will be reading up about this.