Joined: 26 Jul 2007
I recently had associated with another woman my age who did not have AS or any other ASD and she appeared to be interested in me. She also appeared to know and understand Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. We had even did a few things together while she called me a sister. Fairly recently, another co-worker of mine came to me and mentioned that this person bad mouthed me behind my back by inappropriate lies, and even telling people that I was weird, different and not normal while putting on a different front and acting like I was normal and cool. She also never seemed to show up at my parties and other social gatherings like she had promised me and often waited until the next time I saw her to tell me that she got stuck doing other things and that she left her phone at home.
What are some warning signs to indicate that someone doesn't like me?
Joined: 6 May 2008
You mentioned two:
1) Criticizes you "behind your back".
2) Never accepts your invitations.
3) Criticizes your interests - For example, if you say "I like playing cards", she'll call card-playing a waste of time.
4) Ignores or openly rejects your suggestions.
5) When someone else makes the same suggestions, that person gets the full credit.
6) "Forgets" your involvement in her success.
7) Has perfect recall for all of your mistakes.
8) Blows off your accomplishments as "all that we expect from you".
9) Constantly raises the standards for your performance so that you always seem to fall short.
Unfortunately, such a person seems to consider herself as too nice to ever criticize you to your face.
Joined: 8 Jul 2011
Location: CT, USA
Unfortunately, my way of dealing with people has gotten narrowed down to basically assume someone is not my friend until they prove otherwise, and just overall being very suspicious of people's motives, intentions, etc. However, the other part of me, at least in your situation, probably wouldn't have opened up much to this lady in the first place, or if I heard she was talking badly about me, I'd end up directly confronting her.
But, in your case, it would have to come from basically earlier detection or suspicion of whatever things you mentioned. Just as you know now that, let's say, a salesman on TV isn't necessarily honest with you, so you'll have to know when people are being that way to you. So she initially misses a social gathering or party, well, become suspicious then, rather than become suspicious of her friendship or motives now after she's started badmouthing you.
A lot of my problems with people are finding the balance of people. Some people want to be invited by you to do things, some do not. A lot of people would rather save face by saying they'll go, when they are unwilling. As you get more socially whatever, you'll probably do it, too, I know I have. The best thing you need to have is honesty, but that's not right now what the world seems to run on.
I run into these sort of situations a lot, right now I just more or less assume most people do not like me, or like me out of convenience or obligation. I try to figure out who's who. In my case, I think 90+% of the people I know do not actually care about me. I try to look at each trial or hard thing in my friendships with people, as trial grounds. They narrow down true friends, fair weather friends, acquaintances, and enemies, they also teach you what works and what does not. Learn from everything. Unfortunately, it seems I have to "learn" all these things, rather than it coming "naturally."
One thing you can do with this lady in particular, is be brave. Confront her directly about her two facedness. Don't be a coward like her, telling your opinions of her to someone else. She's the one that needs to know. Don't be angry about it, simply next time you see her, just state the facts, "hey, you did not go to ________, what's up with that?" and then ask "I've also heard you said these things about me, care to elaborate" and just see what happens. Again, this is about figuring out things sooner rather than later. If you ask these questions sooner, rather than later, you will know whether or not she's your friend rather than your enemy. It'd have been much better if she just told her true opinion of you in a constructive manner to you, rather than wanting to try to be nice.
This sounds pretty heavy, possibly, the world is an ugly terrible place, full of more evil than you can imagine. However, I believe in Jesus, and Jesus says to love your enemies, forgive people, etc. So even when people are bad, I myself try to remember they are God's creation, God loves them, etc. I think Jesus said it best "Be as wise as serpents, but as innocent as doves."
BTW, first post on this forum, I'm diagnosed NVLD. As you can see, I'm super longwinded, sorry.
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