A friend in need

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I seem to be having a lot of these issues, lately...


My friend and apartment mate who I have mentioned before (the one with anxiety) is having troubles again. Apparently he is both anxious and depressed, and the medication he is taking is not alleviating the symptoms much. He had a bit of a breakdown tonight and started throwing things around again in the middle of the night. My other apartment mate just got pissed, and that's when I went out to see what was going on. We talked for awhile, mostly it was him being very upset/crying, and saying this intermittently about how awful, hopeless, and worthless he feels. After some time of this, then an attempt at appologizing to our other roommate (who did not open her door for him), he broke down again. I stayed with him a bit more, then told him I had to go to bed (a little while ago). He said he won't be able to relax without apologizing to my other roommate, so he'll probably be up and upset all night, and will be calling the doctor tommorrow.

I'm not sure how to behave. I don't want to just ditch him in his rough time, he clearly needs some support. But at the same time the way he has been treating me and others lately has been upsetting me. I know it's because he's depressed and there's nothing he can do about it until he gets some help, but I don't know if I should be mad at him like my apartment mate is, or if I should offer help. And where do I draw the line? I need to look out for myself, too, without giving him the cold shoulder.

civet, it sounds as though you're a good friend to him already. and i think you've said it yourelf - you have to offer whatever you can manage at the time, and look after yourself too. i'd say do what you feel is right at the time, and let how you feel and think, and your intuition tell you what to do. you can only do what you are capable of. if you feel like being angry with him, then do so, and avoid him. if you feel like hleping him, then do that. you have to come first.

i feel sort of the same way, as i only want to help when i'm in the mood. sometimes, i think that that's better than nothing. we can't save the whole world, but every little bit counts.

and good luck.

Thank you, Vetivert.

I just have a hard time, because he is one of those people who hides when he is upset, until it builds up and all spills out (which is what happened last night). He apparently has been very depressed and hopeless all week, but I never noticed. I saw that he was sleeping odd hours, but I assumed it was because we had a lot of work for our class this week, and he was just getting the work done and sleeping whenever he could.

In fact, I think that if he had replied "Yes, I'm fine" when I asked him "Are you all right?" after his outburst, I probably just would have gone back to bed. Fortunately, he was honest and told me he wasn't fine. But for him to actually "ask" for help, or even admit he needs it, he needs to get to that level first .

One breakthrough we made last night was that he was finally able to tell me why he breaks things and throws things around when he is like that. He said he thinks it is a "cry for help." I told him that we need to devise a better method, even if it is indirect, for him to say he needs someone to talk to, because what he is doing now is unacceptable (and making our other apartment mate angry and frightened). If I get the chance, I think I should speak to him about that today.

It's just difficult, because it's not like the issue goes away when I am not with him. I still think about it and worry about him. I'm not sure how much I can deal with that. Another friend of ours, who also has anxiety, but has it under control, told me before that when my apartment mate gets upset and anxious like this she can't be around him. His problems actually overwhelmed her so much that it was affecting her own anxiety, and she had to go see someone about it. I may talk to her about this, but she has a very different way of handling our friend than I do (she basically gives him some hugs, listens to him for a bit, then yells at him and tells him to suck it up, which I don't agree with. I saw how upset he gets when he feels guilty about upsetting someone last night, and I think yelling at him may be one of the worst things one can do).