So I'm on the spectrum. My first thoughts on Aspergers.

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I was recently told I am on the asperger/autism spectrum. I'm from Ottawa Canada. I'll be starting a support group this coming Monday and I'm just beginning to learn more about the symptoms. I guess the big thing with aspies is the lack of empathy. I work hard at listening to other people. And I always wait for the right moment to say something. What if the moment doesn't require empathy? If this is something that is supposed to occur naturally, then when do I show it, and how do I practice it? I guess these are my first questions.

The empathy issue comes up here quite often, mainly because most people make the mistake of confusing Empathy with Sympathy.

Empathy is simply the ability to gauge another person's psychological or emotional state by observing the subtle nonverbal cues humans give off almost constantly. To pick up on their manner of eye contact, the way in which they sigh, or turn their head, or the position in which they sit and so on. Supposedly this ability comes quite naturally for neurotypical (NT) humans and not so much for those with AS. It is true that we have a tendency to be caught up in our own interests a lot of the time and we often are not good with consistent eye contact, so it makes sense that we would miss a lot of that.

Empathy is all tied up in the notion of Theory of Mind, which is to say, understanding that other people may be thinking along a completely different track than you are and being able to ascertain what's going on in their head and how that may cause them to behave. Kids with AS are supposedly very weak in this, but we do pick it up somewhat as we get older. It does contribute to a certain childlike naivete that we never seem to fully shake though.

Sympathy is the ability to identify with another person's psychological or emotional state and relate it to a similar experience in order to 'resonate' to that emotion, or to sort of experience their feelings along with them, at a distance - as though your own emotions picked up theirs the way a tuning fork picks up sound vibrations and you can feel compassion for their pain, or enjoy their excitement, et cetera. We do not lack that capability at all, though it may seem to others that we don't share their emotions because we are often very awkward at expressing it, and because many of us find some NT displays of emotion to be excessive and silly (like jumping up and down and squealing with delight when they win a prize).

There is a school of thought that believes that in fact we are hypersensitive to Sympathetic Resonance and one of the major reasons we are uncomfortable in groups and crowds is that we pick up on the emotional states of every individual at once to such a high degree that its more than our psychological filters can handle. I have experienced that precise sensation thousands of times in my life - a 'psychic noise' level that is so intense and overwhelming that I can't wait to get out of that room and away from those people (and note I use the term psychic in its psychological sense, not in reference to anything paranormal). I am not sure though, that that is what's really happening.

Interestingly, I do not feel that sensation in a mall at Christmas time, or in the audience at a concert, where I am not expected or required to personally interact with the mass of people. Only in situations where I am expected to engage as part of a group. Walking through a mall, I feel as though I am encased in an invisible bubble and the other people are barely real. But if someone in that mall crowd suddenly recognizes me, calls my name and expects me to converse, I am stricken mute and feel like I've been tasered.

Because of that, I come back to Empathy as the culprit in the long run. I think the reason we are so easily overwhelmed in groups is that our brains' social filters (the ones responsible for reading Empathetic Cues) which don't work well at the best of times, are simply incapable of decoding the nonverbal signals from multiple sources at once. Its like a computer trying to funnel too much data through its processor chip. It slows down and stalls and may crash completely. No wonder we feel overwhelmed.

All that to come back around to your questions: What if the moment doesn't require Empathy? All human interaction requires Empathy - Empathy is an ability, not an act. And yes, it should occur naturally, but in our case, it rarely, if ever, will.

When do you show it it and how? Those questions involve Sympathy, and again, here's where our filters get jammed. Because our brains process Empathetic Signals very slowly, very often while we are trying to figure out what the proper reaction is -say something? - hug someone? - the moment passes and by the time we figure out what we're supposed to do, its too late. I think this is a lot of what contributes to the idea that we are emotionless. Not because we don't feel anything, but because we suck at showing it. To us, displays of emotion and Sympathy feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. From my experience that never really goes away. At 52 I'm as awkward at that sort of thing as ever. Some days less so than others, but always kinda klutzy at it.

Wow - that was essentially no help at all, was it?

Wow, Willard. Your post is the the best explanation of Theory of Mind as it pertains to aspergers I've read. Thanks for the effort and clarity.

Welkome to WP!

Mick

Thanks Willard. I appreciate the time you took to write that. But if you'll permit me, I'm not sure I agree with your definition of empathy. According to Websters empathy is:

" the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this"

So while you say "...empathy is an ability, not an act". Websters says right away "the action of understanding, being aware of...the thought feelings and experience of another." So I think therefore that people are capable of showing empathy, as well as sympathy. For example, could I not learn to show someone that I understand, am aware of, am sensitive to etc. because my brain, in fact, does feel these things. (Also, could I not just as easily say "I empathize" with your situation as I might say "I sympathize".

Where I do agree with you is where you say "we suck at showing it". While I understand you're 18 years older than me, and you've probably been dealing with this for awhile, do you think that if aspergians spend more time focusing on empathy, other problems (such as eye contact, facial expression) will resolve themselves on their own? Or must everything be broken down into disparate parts.

Sooo many questions! I hope I'm not sounding too pedantic. As a newbie, I'm striving to get to the root of these problems, and according to Widikepia, empathy is the most dysfunctional aspect of asperger syndrome.

And since your still reading this, can anyone tell me how to setup email alerts for when someone responds to my posting?

Scroll down this page farther than you feel is reasonable and you will see an underlined phrase; Watch this topic for replies
Click on it; done!

Welcome!

I can never remember the difference between empathy and sympathy.

I think sympathy implies that other person feels badly, or is in some kind of distress. Whereas I think empathy means the receiving person can be in any state of mind whatsoever.

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