lying and stealing

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That's likely correct. He is lying about things he thinks you care about and will be upset with him over. Maybe you actually do care about these things and....maybe you shouldn't.

Parents get upset with their children over things such as not cleaning their room, or not doing their homework, not because there is anything inherently wrong with not doing it, but because they are trying to teach them life skills and enforce habits that will benefit them as adults. But what about when the child becomes an adult? It's no longer the job of the parent to instill these things in the adult child. In fact, in most instances, to attempt to do so would be futile. When the child becomes an adult, if they choose not to clean their room, or do their school work, or take x number of credits, that is their choice. The role of the parent should no longer be as an enforcer, but an advisor. In other words, you can say "I think it might be better if..." but it is no longer appropriate to view the issue as something that needs to be punished or corrected.

When adult children start to realize their parents aren't getting on their case about their (usually poor) decisions in life, they frequently become a lot more open about discussing issues.



Concerning stealing the food, your son is not stupid. He knows what he is doing, he doesn't care about the example it sets, and he does it for the same reason husbands don't put the toilet seat down after their wives' repeated requests, and people put empty cartons back in the refrigerator to the annoyance of other household members. It's more trouble for him to change his ways than not. He cries when you talk to him on the issue because forcing him to change his ways stresses him and you are bothering him about it.

My questions are, if there is plenty of food and he can have what he wants if he asks, then why does he have to ask?

If the food is for something else, then why do you give it to him when he asks?

If you are going to be feeding him then he should be able to eat what he wants, when he wants unless you have set something aside specifically for something else. If you absolutely must know and approve of who takes what from the kitchen and when, then perhaps it would be best if he simply bought his own food and kept it in his room. You can get him a mini-fridge to help accommodate this.

I really think the latter would be better as it's a step towards being independent.



When he lived on his own, was he really living on his own or was he living more like a kid at summer camp who's parents would come to the rescue at the slightest little thing?

I would not assume he can't live on his own, he may have just been too young to move out at 18 and ill prepared. It's fine to have him back at home for the moment but he's not back at home as a child, he's back at home as an adult and you are treating him like a child, so he's going to act like one, and that's not fine.