JHKyle wrote:
I was diagnosed in 2009, by accident. I was working in a high school, and had several AS and autistic students. I was sitting in my first series of ARDs, and after they had finished, the diagnostician took me aside and asked me if I had ever been tested. I said no. She arranged for the school diagnostician to visit with me, and she said that I did register on the AS chart. I don't know if that was the best thing for me to hear, or the worst.
So now I see things through that lens, and...it has made life difficult for me. I'm unemployed, though I have a Master's Degree. I have an innate ability to communicate, but I fear when I open my mouth and try to speak, I speak in tones that no one can understand.
I am torn between who I am, where I am at, and the duality of identity and reality.
I feel I am two people sometimes, one this person who has done well for himself in terms of being intellectually capable, clever with a word, compassionate and caring for others, and willing to give help and love to others.
then there is the other me, the one who can't seem to get out of himself, to escape the world of who i am. this is the one that is shunned by the world, the one the world sees as weird, odd, and because of his uniqueness, is somehow dangerous--even though, of course, I wouldn't hurt a fly, have never had any sort of legal issues or questionable habits. I do my best to be the upright citizen--and the thanks I get is the rejection of society as one of "those" types.
this idea, this notion that somehow it is "okay" to be different. i'm convinced it is one of the greatest lies. i remember watching this PSA back in the 1990s with a bunch of teenagers, and one of them says, "these are my friends, we're all different--in the same way," and all I could think was, "so, you're not actually different."
I am here because...I'm hurting. I am in deep, soulful pain. I don't know who I am. I know who I am on paper, I know who I am in terms of what I think I am, but something tells me that I'm either not telling the truth, or I am deceiving myself.
I feel your pain! This past April I graduated with my bachelors but only now are job prospects looking up. Hang in there! Sometimes, I feel like I am alone even as I have done so much and get the praise from family. AS places challenges before us aspies. I can tell you, I do not let my AS define my life. I work with it and sometimes it doesn't work out. You have people like me on this sight from all age ranges who can be your support. Never give up because of one rejection or failure, that failed try means there are just 10,000 more options/methods to get to your goal, metaphorically speaking.
13 Oct 2011, 1:19 pm
