Help- My girlfriend is suspicious of my online relationships

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My girlfriend and I have a problem. Like most of you, I'm a diagnosed Aspie, and like most of you, I often find interacting with people unpleasant bordering on unbearable, especially as the size of the groups grow. For many years, I've supplemented my need for human interaction with online relationships, sometimes with people I know in life but often not.

Unfortunately, I also found from an early age that I wasn't terrible at flirting, and this often provided an excellent way to get close to people without the usual getting-to-know-someone-knew rigamarole that I was not very skilled at. While this is a relatively harmless practice while I'm single, when I'm in a relationship, as I am now, it can cause no end of problems. It is often difficult for me to understand where the line between friendship and flirting lies, and it has led to a few inappropriate boundary crossings and a lot of hurt feelings.

My current girlfriend has suffered through this a few times, to the point now that her trust has bottomed out when it comes to my relationships with people online, women in particular. She believes that eventually, any friendship I maintain that she does not have some measure of control over will eventually turn intimate, and as such insists on knowing all my passwords so that she can keep tabs. I, as you might expect, bristle at being so closely watched but at the same time understand her need for reassurance.

Things have not become inappropriate with anyone for many months now, and I would like to be able to maintain friendships and my privacy online without it causing trust issues, but I also want my girlfriend to be as happy as possible. I'm not necessarily looking for "how do I fix this?" responses, but I would love to know your thoughts and impressions.

She sounds like a control freak.

Rebuilding trust when someone has been burned 'a few times' is almost impossible.

Best case scenario: at some point she is going to wise up and let go of the relationship.
Worse case scenario: She becomes even more obsessed with control.

And let's face it, if she knows her uber control of you bugs you, she is getting a certain satisfaction from irritating you.

Hi. Trust is important in our close, personal relationships.

I know you weren't looking for "fix it" suggestions, but I am going to make some suggestions that might help you develop and maintain appropriate relationships online AND provide assurances to your girlfriend of your online intentions.

The first (and most important thing) is to clearly let your online friends know that you have an exclusive girlfriend. Even when meeting people in real life, people will often make mention of a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend during initial chatting phases when socializing at events, parties, etc. I remember talking to people at a Toastmasters meeting and a few of the men would respond to comments about things I liked by saying, "That's great, my girlfriend really enjoys that too. We were talking about it over breakfast one day. She really enjoys ...." This way they are telling me that they are not available for a dating relationship, but still interested in communicating with me on a friendly level. In other situations, you can just be more blunt and directly say that you are in a relationship. I have seen people on WrongPlanet have this information below their avatar and in their personal profile which anyone can view. Facebook also has a clear space to indicate that you are in a relationship.

So, at the beginning of initiating communication, mention your girlfriend, then periodically mention her again (say once every few weeks) in the course of online conversation. This will remind your online friend that you are not available and that they shouldn't read "flirting" in your online messages.

Secondly (and also pretty important) is to let your girlfriend KNOW that you respect her concerns. She has a need for security in her relationship with you. You can assure her that you are NOT trying to pick up other women. You can also share your plan with her - that you will be clearly stating that you are in a relationship and will periodically mention her and your relationship when communicating online so that misunderstanding and miscommunication is avoided.

Thirdly (and also important) is to share YOUR need for privacy. I (Canadianrose) have been married almost eight years in an exclusive relationship. I have nothing to hide from my husband. Notwithstanding this - I like to have private conversations with my friends (and even on WrongPlanet). We ALL have a need to some privacy. After assuring your girlfriend that you have a plan in place to prevent misunderstanding regarding your intentions while communicating with online friends - advise her that you NEED to have a private password so that your privacy is repsected. If you want - for the first little while, share some of the back and forth exchanges - show that you are mentioning her. Then continue to communicate without the need to show that you are not flirting with your online friends.

However, after doing this type of plan, your girlfriend is still anxious and demanding to have your passwords - I might have to agree with pandabear - your girlfriend might be a control freak and you will have to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who demands so much control over your life.

I am hoping that a plan and clear communication with your girlfriend will work and that you can both relax, maintain appropriate online and in person relationships outside of your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and that you can grow in your relationship with your girlfriend.

CR

So you're dating my ex-wife?

To me this would be a HUGE red flag and would certainly put our relationship in serious jeopardy.

I am fiercely loyal when I am in a committed relationship, no exceptions.

I consider this to be a fundamental pillar of my moral character, and if she doesn't appreciate that, then she's not the one for me.

I of course need to be with someone who is the same way, the fact that she is so suspicious would cause me to doubt her own fidelity...

She obviously cares for you very deeply, or else she wouldn't get so upset.
"A few months" is not at all a long time when something has occurred that hurt someone so deeply as you imply she was, and multiple times.
I would, for a time, let things remain as they are, and then ask her (gently) to point out to you if she has found any evidence of your flirting (there will be none, hopefully) and at that time, kindly tell her you're going to change your passwords, as it makes you feel more comfortable to maintain a level of privacy.
You can't reassure a supposed "control freak" with words alone- only with actions, and sometimes not even then.
But that's what I would try.

I agree with this. My second husband continuously accused me of having lovers and during the divorce I found out he was the one having all the affairs.

If I have fluid bonded with my partner, any break in the bond is not only psychologically disastrous to the relationship but is a physical assault as well.

be careful out there~!

This is the exact same thing that happened to me, that may not be exactly what's going on here, but we are all slaves to our experience...

i think a lot of the replies here are wrong. he admitted himself he behaved "inappropriately" several times. why would/should she trust him when he hasn't acted in a trustworthy way

edit: y'all probably just siding with him because he's the one that's here. if it was her posting her side you'd prob be saying how terrible it is or something. just thought this was funny

i'd define flirting as teasing with a sexual element. I find flirting to be really weird and it makes me really uncomfortable. It's just too personal to share with strangers.

The op doesn't need to hold back from flirting, he needs to realise just how inappropriate flirting really is. I don;t even think i'd like a person that flirted with people when they're single, it's a big turn off.

All my female friends online i treat in the exact same way as i'd treat a guy. One of my best online friends is female and we've never flirted in that way ever. Erm, i dunno why that is though, as a male shouldn't i be interested in every girl thats comes my way? Maybe im just weird. Stupid asexual attitude to love i guess, sex isnt an issue for me at all, not in any aspect of my life.

Last edited by dontslowmedown on 16 Oct 2011, 7:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

How much time do you spend talking to these people?

To be honest, I wouldn't bother with a man who has a million online friends he always talks to, especially if we live together. I don't warm to that sort of behaviour.

If you are talking and flirting with single women, I can certainly see why she doesn't trust you. The fact you seem to value maintaining relationships with some names on a screen more than your girlfriend's happiness is enough to make anyone insecure.

Spend less time with them, and more time with what's real and what you have. You might regret it otherwise.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 15 Oct 2011, 2:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

They're probably siding with him because they have stupid online flirt fests with "internet people" themselves.

This.

Also she sounds paranoid. My ex was the same way and he wanted me to cut off contact with all my online friends except aspie buddies.

I learned that the reason why some people are this way is because they are afraid you like someone else better and dump them for that person. Maybe she is that way because she has lost her previous partner before due to something like that.

I had experience with an ex who tried doing the same to me. Also define flirting or inappropriate? I have been told I said things that were inappropriate even though I didn't think they were so that word means nothing to me anymore.

So I feel critical about anyone who acts that way. I have been accused of flirting too when all I was doing was asking a member questions here and all I was doing was teasing my husband when he said I was flirting. So baiscally flirting is another word for teasing so that means I have done flirts my whole life. I used to flirt more often as a child.

but he seems to be in agreement with his gf that he overstepped some sort of boundary

I don't think that a gf having all his passwords is a good sign for the relationship, whether he has made mistakes or not.

some people from churches and things like that have accounts where they are like BobAmy Jones on facebook, so that it is clear that they are a unit and all messages are visible to both of them. I think it works fine for those who chose to do that, but I personally would feel sad about losing my identity like that, and not having trust there to have separate accounts. Especially if you are just dating and not even married, that is no way to get started on a real relationship where you can't even trust each other. You cant surveil your partner 24/7 for the rest of your lives.

Also, were the mistakes intentional or innocent? There is making a mistake and then there is taking that mistake and letting it turn into intentional actions that would be inappropriate.