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Aspergers boyfriend driving me up the wall

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NaomiDB
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22 Nov 2011, 3:09 pm

I am nineteen he is 22 we both have aspergers but are very different people He listens to nothing I say, I need my space, I feel incredibly pressured to see him sometimes when I would rather stay home in my comfortable personal bubble and focus on my interests he ignored me when i say I hate people dropping by unannounced It makes me feel violated someone just showing up, he texts me a billion times a day I tell him not to ring me on my house phone because it's my mums work phone and he does it anyway!
I'm his first girlfriend and he is totally devoted to me and Is a lovely person I am going through a hard time and I really just like to be on my own a lot of the time he doesn't seem to understand this and it makes me feel guilty, what should I do?



MathGirl
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22 Nov 2011, 4:57 pm

I replied here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4180341.html#4180341


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Leading a double life and loving it (but exhausted).

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tronist
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22 Nov 2011, 5:00 pm

NaomiDB wrote:
I am nineteen he is 22 we both have aspergers but are very different people He listens to nothing I say, I need my space, I feel incredibly pressured to see him sometimes when I would rather stay home in my comfortable personal bubble and focus on my interests he ignored me when i say I hate people dropping by unannounced It makes me feel violated someone just showing up, he texts me a billion times a day I tell him not to ring me on my house phone because it's my mums work phone and he does it anyway!
I'm his first girlfriend and he is totally devoted to me and Is a lovely person I am going through a hard time and I really just like to be on my own a lot of the time he doesn't seem to understand this and it makes me feel guilty, what should I do?
you have to be SUPER OBVIOUS and DIRECT with him.

tell him flat out how it is, and how it makes you feel, about everything. suggest times when you can hang out (try to hang out often :D) so he can look forward to seeing you again. if he likes to text you all day and call you all the time, instead how about you tell him when you'll call him and tell him not to call you at all (unless its an emergency).

he needs to know he is suffocating you. if you dont tell him directly how things are, he'll never understand XD.



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22 Nov 2011, 5:57 pm

I suspect mine has Aspergers, can't seem to get his attention away from the computer or when he's fixing his computer. I'll say something and then he won't get the subtleties of what I've just said. That means I have to be direct with him, instead of "honey I'd really like to go to the movies" instead I'll say " "lets go to the movies now"



NaomiDB
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22 Nov 2011, 7:40 pm

tronist wrote:
NaomiDB wrote:
I am nineteen he is 22 we both have aspergers but are very different people He listens to nothing I say, I need my space, I feel incredibly pressured to see him sometimes when I would rather stay home in my comfortable personal bubble and focus on my interests he ignored me when i say I hate people dropping by unannounced It makes me feel violated someone just showing up, he texts me a billion times a day I tell him not to ring me on my house phone because it's my mums work phone and he does it anyway!
I'm his first girlfriend and he is totally devoted to me and Is a lovely person I am going through a hard time and I really just like to be on my own a lot of the time he doesn't seem to understand this and it makes me feel guilty, what should I do?
you have to be SUPER OBVIOUS and DIRECT with him.

tell him flat out how it is, and how it makes you feel, about everything. suggest times when you can hang out (try to hang out often :D) so he can look forward to seeing you again. if he likes to text you all day and call you all the time, instead how about you tell him when you'll call him and tell him not to call you at all (unless its an emergency).

he needs to know he is suffocating you. if you dont tell him directly how things are, he'll never understand XD.

I do he doesn't listen He has gotten slightly better I tell him directly and repeatedly, I'm not too good at being subtle anyway, he doesn't even get hurt feelings about it, just acts like i haven't said anything atall



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22 Nov 2011, 7:46 pm

You need to make him realize you won't tolerate those things anymore. Not sure how to do it, though, except to make him remember what are DOs and DON'Ts.



MacDragard
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22 Nov 2011, 8:50 pm

This is more of a MALE issue than an AS issue. Maybe the fact that he has AS makes it worse, but most guys are terrible at picking up cues from women.



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23 Nov 2011, 2:37 am

NaomiDB wrote:
I am nineteen he is 22 we both have aspergers but are very different people He listens to nothing I say, I need my space, I feel incredibly pressured to see him sometimes when I would rather stay home in my comfortable personal bubble and focus on my interests he ignored me when i say I hate people dropping by unannounced It makes me feel violated someone just showing up, he texts me a billion times a day I tell him not to ring me on my house phone because it's my mums work phone and he does it anyway!
I'm his first girlfriend and he is totally devoted to me and Is a lovely person I am going through a hard time and I really just like to be on my own a lot of the time he doesn't seem to understand this and it makes me feel guilty, what should I do?


You really need to set the boundaries, if he doesn't listen to you and if he doesn't respect your wishes or choices, he doesn't truly respect you and if he doesn't truly respect you, you need to have a talk with him. You need to tell him that you need your own space and you don't like clingy people, I have had this trouble in the past with people getting clingy. You need to establish boundaries and the dynamics of the relationship, be direct and tell him to respect your space, the sooner he realizes that you don't find neediness attractive, the better.



tronist
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23 Nov 2011, 4:32 am

NaomiDB wrote:
tronist wrote:
NaomiDB wrote:
I am nineteen he is 22 we both have aspergers but are very different people He listens to nothing I say, I need my space, I feel incredibly pressured to see him sometimes when I would rather stay home in my comfortable personal bubble and focus on my interests he ignored me when i say I hate people dropping by unannounced It makes me feel violated someone just showing up, he texts me a billion times a day I tell him not to ring me on my house phone because it's my mums work phone and he does it anyway!
I'm his first girlfriend and he is totally devoted to me and Is a lovely person I am going through a hard time and I really just like to be on my own a lot of the time he doesn't seem to understand this and it makes me feel guilty, what should I do?
you have to be SUPER OBVIOUS and DIRECT with him.

tell him flat out how it is, and how it makes you feel, about everything. suggest times when you can hang out (try to hang out often :D) so he can look forward to seeing you again. if he likes to text you all day and call you all the time, instead how about you tell him when you'll call him and tell him not to call you at all (unless its an emergency).

he needs to know he is suffocating you. if you dont tell him directly how things are, he'll never understand XD.

I do he doesn't listen He has gotten slightly better I tell him directly and repeatedly, I'm not too good at being subtle anyway, he doesn't even get hurt feelings about it, just acts like i haven't said anything atall
ok so..

drastic measures need to be taken.

hold his head and have him look you in the eyes. say

"you're suffocating me. its putting a MAJOR STRAIN on our relationship. if you keep it up and ignore me when i say ' i need my space' i will break up with you. please try to stop."

if he doesnt snap out of it then, he never will. you have 2 choices, at this point. adapt to his constant need to be around you, or break up with him.



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23 Nov 2011, 4:36 am

Sex on the wall should be awesome.

Why complaining?