Annoying aunt

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I have an aunt, the sister of my father. I never knew my father, when I was looking for him when I was like 20 I discovered he was dead (sounds dramatic, but for me it wasn't that hard, because I never knew him), but I did get into contact with his family.

So from the start I noticed how she has this overwhelming character, and literally seems to control people all around her. She lives in a small village and never does anything for anyone, but with a few phone-calls she gets all kinds of people to help her with whatever. Such as cleaning the house, building something, or what not.

She had a husband, a really nice man, who would basically do everything in the house: washing, cleaning, repairing, building things, maintaining the garden, etc... While she would never do anything except for calling people on the phone and playing games on the laptop. Unfortunately her husband died a few years ago from cancer, and even during his illness he was still doing everything around the house. But well...

During his illness I have really tried to help them as much as I could. But with her it's always one way. It still is. Nowadays she lives in a far away 3rd world country, because she met a boy in the 20's that says he loves her (she is like 60), and she loves all attention she gets there, and enjoys to have a private cook, driver, etc... So her attention is less on me now, which is great.

But today she called me, and it's hard to explain, but somehow she always manages to make me (and anyone else) do things that I don't even want. Now she wants me to go to that country, but I have no money for that trip, so she decides I can do work for her (make a website), so she can pay the ticket for me... I don't even want to go there in the first place, but well...

And then, as if it's 'normal', she basically 'decides' for me that I should come over there in 2 weeks time from now and stay for 1 month, and then go with her to that country for 1 more month... 2 months of hell? And I have to pay for this myself by working for her? While I have always done so much stuff for them already?

Too often in these situations I have been making up weak excuses to not go, which never work, because when I make up an excuse she makes up a solution for me. But this has to stop, but how? I'm not sure if I will even survive those 2 months with her. It's not like you can do nice sightseeing with some1 that never even leaves the hotel room.

Help!

I have a very simple solution for you.

1. Stop answering her calls. Better still block them.
2. Stop calling her.
3. Don't answer her emails. Block those, too.

And absolutely do not go to a third world country to work for this parasite! You have no money. Once there you would be trapped, and unable to come home. You would be her slave.

She doesn't love you, or for that matter, anyone else, either. She is a manipulating parasite, who uses people. Just send her one final EMAIL--NOT PHONE CALL--telling her that you are not interested in being her slave, that you won't be coming, and that you will be blocking all further contact with her.

Your aunt is a "toxic" person. Such people are dangerous in some fashion to other people. It is best to avoid such people. For your own safety and sanity you must do so! Since you don't have the spine to say no to her on the phone, use that final email, and do make it be the last one. You have no obligation to be her slave, or to put yourself in her power, or to endanger yourself by putting yourself in a third world country with no money and no ticket home.

After you cut her off, your aunt may complain about it to other relatives. DO NOT CAVE IN TO THEM OR TO YOUR AUNT! Tell THEM if they are so concerned, they should go help her out!

Once you have done all that, take some assertiveness classes, or better still some martial arts classes.

And remember, we on the spectrum are all:

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured, or far away.

--Henry David Thoreau

Thanks for the reply.

It's not like she will lock me up there literally. I don't know. I have the idea whenever I speak with her, she has spent months thinking ahead about that conversation and being prepared for anything I say. For all problems I may have with doing what she asks she already has solutions ready, feasible solutions even. Then these conversations are always difficult, because what can you say, while being polite.

I guess it's impossible to remain polite. In the past I've been quite angry with her for some things she did so cunningly. Like one time I stayed there for a weekend, but she had arranged stuff in such a way that I just had to stay one or two days longer. Made me pretty sure she had been planning that all along. But mentioning such thoughts would always be a breaking point, you can only really solve issues with her by taking a more aggressive approach.

And an aggressive approach would always result in a fight. And an end of contact. I know it will end that way one day.

In a way it's funny, because in that country I'm sure that boy she met is a fraud, only interested in money, and she is surrounded by people that want to take advantage of a rich western woman. But she is such that she has probably turned it all around and now everyone there is working for her.

I agree with questor, do not be manipulated into going. Getting trapped there is a real possibility.

There is little that's very effective with no-boundry manipulators. What does eventually work with them are straight forward; "no" answers wherein you take full responsibility for your choice. My "no" answers tend to sound like this:
I'm sorry, I'm not interested in traveling to Watsieland. Her response; blah blah blah. Because I simply don't want to. Her accusation; blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I won't be coming.

The answer is always some version of; "I don't want to do that." and "I will not do that." I leaves them with very little to work with except accusations; at which point the conversation is over because I say; You're making accusations now and I'm done with this conversation. And that's it; I'm done with the conversation; they're angry; and I'm still home, not headed into a manipulated situation (or a 3rd world place).

Stop giving her excuses, but instead give her your thoughts. There is no "solution" that she can come up with for, "I don't want to." It's not an excuse that she can work around, and it can be said quite politely: "I just really don't want to. I'm sorry. - No, I'm not going to change my mind. - I understand you're frustrated. I know things may be tough for you (or whatever else she tries to throw your way to guilt you into backing down), but I've made up my mind."

If she takes that as a personal threat or starts getting angry or upset, you are in the free and clear. Her getting upset is her being unreasonable and essentially throwing a temper tantrum for not getting what she wants. At that point, you can be kind, but stick to your ground, and move on. You don't have to treat her badly or claim that she is mean or evil or manipulative. All you have to do is make up your mind regarding what you want and then stick to it.

Make it happen, now!