Eye Contact

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i never look people in the eye before...
the thing is, i think most people(that i've met) think it's a sign of submission or that i'm scared etc, and it makes me a bully magnet..
so, this year i started trying to look people in the eye when they're talking, like in the church when somebody's sharing in front of everyone...
but they seem uncomfortable(glaring at me, fidgeting, sweating, etc) when i was doing this,
so how long am i supposed to maintain eye contacts?(how many seconds? where should i look?) is it because i look at them too long? am i doing it wrong?

I can't see the words the person is saying if I have to look at them...so I don't really "hear" them if I'm focused on looking at them.
How would you know if someone is being honest if you can't see the words they're saying?

Me neither! And added to that, up until my 30s, looking someone in the eye was like looking into the beam of a powerful torch in the dark: really painful. But now I've trained myself to look at the coloured flecks in people's eyes. It's not quite the same as making eye contact because you're using your eyes for looking and not communicating, and people can always tell the difference – but I've found that I can at least pay some attention to what a person is saying if I just find something in their eyes to focus on. And it makes you look less submissive and more interested, even though most people can tell you're faking it!

l00p1n, what can happen when you're watching someone doing a presentation is that you fix your eyes on the person, but then disconnect your mind from them. I have a phrase for disconnected eyes: the 'autistic gaze'. By which I mean something that looks a bit like a crazy stare! If you're watching someone giving a performance, making a presentation, etc by making direct eye contact, you do have to keep your eyes 'alive'; I can't do this for very long, so I look at the person in short bursts, and then look down.

I'm not sure whether people know what I'm on about, it's quite hard to describe. If it doesn't, try looking at yourself in a mirror in a really attentive way with your eyebrows raised and your eyes slightly widened. Then try relaxing your eyes and your face totally and just staring back at yourself blankly. Don't worry about the facial expression, just look at your eyes. You'll see the difference between eyes that are 'alive' and eyes that are 'disconnected'. The trouble is that, because some autistic people need to unplug their brains from visual input whilst they're listening to something, they give out the disconnected eyes/autistic gaze thing without realising it.

Hope this makes some kind of sense.

This.

When I was a kid, I remember having tremendous difficulty with maintaining eye contact. My parents and relatives stressed the importance of eye contact; now I stare deeply into someone's eyes when they speak - to reassure them I'm listening, make them feel more comfortable etc. - but I miss half or most of what they've said and have trouble continuing the chit chat.

And this may be the very underbelly of my trouble with acquaintance. The friends who know about my AS accept that I have to look away to have a proper conversation. Everyone else probably thinks I'm shy or something...

I have the same question regarding eye-contact during sex. Anyone?

Nooooo! Too much sensory input. Can fake it when I'm listening to someone, but not when...

Of course we can't.

No, I've just learnt to substitute it; fake eye contact by looking at a persons nose.

Sort of.

When I was in college or grad school (it was awhile ago, I don't remember when) I went to see my general practitioner for an ongoing medical issue I was having. He came in, did his exam, perscribed antibiotics and left. A few minutes later he came back in and told me to come to his office because he wanted to talk to me for a minute because he was concerned about something. So I go to his office. He sits down behind the desk. He stares at me. In the face. I remember because it was obviously part of the point he was trying to make. I was looking at his degree ont he wall behind him, but I knew he was staring. He started talking to me and said, "Look at me when I'm talking to you." I tried and couldn't. After a few trys at that he shakes his head and says,"you are just like me. You have to learn to look at people when they talk to you and when you talk to them or else you are really going to have problems. Here if you can't look at my eyes, try looking at my mouth or forehead. Thats what I do." So we chatted and I looked at his forehead. That was better. He says, "It's normal to look at people when they talk to you and I'm betting you didn't know that and I'm betting you didn't even know that what you were doing is odd. LEarn this one thing and it will help you more than anything else anyone can teach you. I don't know what it is, but we're alike in some way. And by the way, if you can, stop doing that with your hand, that's off putting to some people too."

I'm betting he has figured it out by now, but this was probably 15 years ago so really before the mainstream "knew" about milder forms of autism.

Now I do pretty well with "Faking it" by looking at other facial features but if I get stressed, anxious, or tired I forget and stare at other things. I recently had someone notice so I said, "oof, I'm really really tired, it's all I can do to not have my eyes slip shut and fall asleep standing on my feet" and they seemed happy with that.

I've never ever had problems with eyecontact. I would even feel unnatural to me not to make eyecontact when I'm having a conversation with that person. It's like... something that goes completely by itself. I only feel I little bit strange when I'm walking down the streets and people walk past me. Sometimes I just don't want to look them in the eye or something, don't know why.

Then again, I don't know (yet) if I am an Aspie..

I get this feeling all the time along with my absence of eye contact in general, but I've not had a diagnosis yet; I have my assessment coming up sometime soon.

Wow, I just realized about a month ago that I always watch people's lips when they are talking.

I'd always put this off to the idea that it helps me hear what they are saying, but then I thought about how I get puzzled when I'm supposed to look people in the eyes while passing on the street. I never know when the right moment is, or if the other person wants me to acknowledge them.

I started realizing that I've never liked looking people in the eyes--I'd always lose in staring contests, too!

I remember a job interview I had a few years ago where I had to remind myself every few seconds to look all the people in the eye. There were about 8 people in the room, and when I got introduced, I didn't know what to say or how to look at them, so I just tried to smile and shake their hands firmly. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

Needless to say because I always say something I'm not supposed to say during an interview, like narcing on myself to a vice-president when asked if I'd ever done something I didn't tell the boss about. Luckily, it was minor, but she gave me a look like what kind of idiot am I, then said, "I don't think you should have told me that." Later I saw the Dilbert comic below and laughed really hard--I still laugh when I think about that lady.

Hahahahaha!