Just now self-diagnosed - Wife of 12-1/2 years has left

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I ask your patience while I set the background:

I am the middle of three boys from a rural background. I know now that I was a typical Aspie growing up. I had few friends and I realize now that most of them probably thought I was weird and just tolerated me. I don't recall any closeness with my parents - few verbal or physical displays of affection. I was very lonely, and I realize now, depressed. I did however ace high school and received scholarships to a university honors program. My college years were more of the same, except I was more depressed, lost some of the motivation and didn't do nearly as well academically. All throught my life I have known on some level that I was acting in ways that didn't fit in and was very self-concious, but had trouble compensating. I was hopelessly awkard with girls and did not date.

I began to have debilitating abdominal pain at the age of 12. My older brother having ulcers, our rural doctor simply assumed that I had them as well and treated me as such. There was no improvement. Just after HS graduation, I had surgery for a fistula, but doctors were still clueless. While in college, during a summer break, in desperation I made an appointment with another doctor who immediately diagnosed Crohn's. The treatments at the time were marginally effective. I had a similar surgery when about 25. Pain, fevers, fatigue, and depression were nearly nonstop for many years.

I graduate university at the bottom of a recession. That, combined with my physical and mental state, left me unemployed and unable to effectively seek employment. I finally found work by a fluke 2-1/2 years later, but my performance was poor and I knew it. I know now that it was Asperger's and the emotional toll causing debilitating anxiety.

They began to treat my Crohn's more agressively with steroids, which I tolerated very poorly. This piled on more mental effects. The steroid psychosis did give me energy and made me more outgoing and entered into my first relationship. She was an older (7 years) divorcee with two children with little education. It lasted for ~3 years, though we had nothing in common. I left during her pregnancy, after loosing my job and finding another far enough away that I had to relocate, knowing that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with her. I admitted paternity, paid child support, and had my daughter with me every weekend from the time she was three weeks old. When she was 3-4 months old, my ex refused visitation because she was mad that I didn't come back to her. Legal battles to maintain visitation rights happened off and on for many years.

I had gone from job to job about every three years; still underperforming and riddled with anxiety and illness. As I began a new job when my daughter was 3, I met a recent divorcee, 3 years my junior with three children from 4 to 8. She had initated the divorce, but given custody to her husband. From the stories she told me, it appeared that he had her so beaten down that she thought it best at the time. Later, I wondered if she wasn't in a deep depression similar to mine.

Again, the relationship began while I was on high-dose steroids. I was a sexual dynamo. She craved the attention. 2 - 1/2 years later, we married. All through our courtship, we both struggled with visitation issues and missed our children terribly. As soon as we married, we bought a house with enough room for them all and began to try to get custody of her 3. After 3 years, a lot of $ and disappointments, and the oldest being kicked out of his home, we succeeded.

Six weeks after marriage, I had my first intestinal resection. During these first 3 years, I was in horrible physical condition, not performing my job (and I knew it), and nearly insane with worry about providing financially and failing to get custody. My wife could not understand the strain I was under; I think because she was so emotionally needy and depressed, and became very agitated; throwing tantrums and obviously very unhappy.

With my Apserger's (which I had never heard of), Crohn's, and the many stresses I felt, I withdrew, which made her worse. She became so agitated and ranted so badly that the children hid from her on visitation weekends. I was in shock and unable to deal with the situation. What little intimacy we had (Asperger's again) went out the window. But I never considered giving up on our relationship, though I hadn't a clue what to do to improve it. I also continued to pursue custody of her children as my driving ambition.

When we got custody, I thought that everything would be OK I guess. It didn't improve that much. A year later, when my health began to improve a little from a period when it was so bad that I was in a complete daze, I discovered that she had been having an affair for ~3 months. When I confronted her, she openly admitted it. Without saying so, I'm sure she knew that I expected it to stop. It did, but she continued to speak with him by phone, which I discovered and confronted her about. She became angry that I wanted her to cease contact with him, but as far as I know, she did.

Almost 8 more difficult years followed. My employer of 10 years went bankrupt. I struggled to find work while sick and stressed and continued to underperform and was incredibly anxious about it. I went through 3 more jobs, finally landing at the most stressful job I've ever had. I lived on liquids for several months because I was constantly on the verge of obstructing while working uninsured. I made it 8 weeks in the current job before emergency surgery. My daughter refused visitation just after her 16th birthday and I haven't seen her in 1-1/2 years. She hates my wife for making her feel unwanted by nitpicking her. I supported her and her children full time - their father never exercised visitation. We bought a mobile home for my oldest daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren that they were to make payments on. They never did; eventually moved out, and stuck us with lot rent. Then my wife moved into it and said she wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken.

After about 6 weeks, I thought we made up. She came back for a few months. We sold the trailer. Then, her brother, who lived with a sister, died. She went to stay with her sister. She never came back. She stopped by the day after the funeral to tell me.

Between the 2 times she left, my personal situation improved immensely. My doctor found the right combination of drugs for depression/anxiety. My short-term memory is back, I function on less sleep with more energy, and I've become the go-to guy at work. I made a huge leap when I self-diagnosed latent food alergies. My Dr. det me up on an elimination diet. It ended up being wheat and dairy (which I just discovered on WP is linked to AS! - And so is Crohn's!). I cut them out and my intestinal problems are gone. I started going to the gym and feel better than I have in 35 years (I'm 47). I felt so good that I felt ready to start trying to gingerly become more intimate with my wife. She seemed to respond reluctantly, but later said she was trying to get her feelings back, but couldn't.

She said that she doesn't love me anymore; has been wanting to leave for a long time; only came back because she felt sorry for me; said she had to stop hurting me (must feel some guilt), though I had not felt that she was and had forgiven everything she'd done - because I knew that I was not fulfilling her needs for intimacy and I thought all of our problems were caused by that. She acted angry that I didn't want to just let go. She cried and said, "You should hate me."

Just then, while researching relationship issues on the net, I stumbled onto Asperger's and was floored! That's me! I copied the Wikipedia entry for it and e-mailed it to her. The e-mail also admitted to my intimacy issues and that I froze up when criticized or she was obviously unhappy with me. Of course, she didn't seem to be understanding about the Crohn's and the stressful nature of my career (made 1000% worse by Asperger's I now know), but I took the blame. I told her I loved her 100% and would not pester her like I did the first time. She responded that it was good that I found out what was wrong with me.

She invited me over shortly thereafter when babysitting our baby grandaughter. I stayed for an hour. I sent another long e-mail later explaining how I saw our situation, how we got there, etc. In it I asked her to not contact me except as necessary for financial matters, etc., because I didn't think it did either of us any good right now. I said that we could discuss almost anything that might come up except our relationship for a couple months or so. I also asked that she not assume the role of gatekeeper between me and the rest of the family. If they want to see me, they can come to the house. I also asked that she not file for divorce right away so that I can figure out if I can afford to keep the house on only my income. She agreed.

Now, I'm working 60+ hours a week, trying to fix things on the house in case I must sell it, seldom making it to the gym, with her son still living with me. He hasn't seen or spoke to his mother in a week, though she's 2 blocks away. And he's a wonderful kid whose never give her any cause to be upset with him!

So, now my questions:

Besides seeking counseling to deal with all of the fallout, mostly from AS, what should I be be doing?

I think I'm doing the right thing by not falling into the 'just friends' trap. If she doesn't want me, then she needs to experience not having me - period. Your thoughts?

Any recommendations on how to fully explain AS and it's affect on me and our relationship? I sent her more info. by e-mail and she sent a nasty response with baffling accusations about me trying to control her.

I'm all about taking care of myself right now, but I do not want to do that at the expense of doing whatever I can to salvage our marriage. I figure I have about 6 weeks to decide what to do and start doing it.

Thanks for any input, especially from any of you AS males who are or were married to NT women.

Ignore this duplicate post. Please respond to the other one.]

Thanks.