Why do people in unhappy relationships want others to be?

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nick007
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27 Feb 2012, 1:03 pm

My cousin who's a year younger than me recently broke up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to do a serious relationship & she never wants to get married & have kids. My aunt keeps going on about how sad it is that my cousin will be an old-maid & how she's being very irresponsible. My cousin works a lot & likes going out & having fun when she's not working & she's very happy with that. My aunt is in a bad marriage with my uncle & I don't recall them ever being happy together. Couples like that are the people I feel most sorry for. I got to thinking how the people I've known who are in unhappy relationships are the 1s who have the most issues with others being single. Do people in unhappy relationships want others to be unhappy like them :?:


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PastFixations
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27 Feb 2012, 1:20 pm

Sometimes it's jealousy...
I think it is unfair that your cousin is being told off for a relationship that did not work for her.


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27 Feb 2012, 2:50 pm

People who are in an unhappy anything tend to try to make others miserable as well. That's where we get the saying "misery loves company". You can see the same dynamic in most heated discussions here on WP, as well.



questor
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27 Feb 2012, 3:46 pm

Part of it is that misery does love company, but a large part of it is that being married, or at least in a relationship, is the basic adult relationship norm. NTs are always trying to get everyone, whether NT or not, to meet the basic norm patterns of living and behaving. It seems to be a kind of herd behavior characteristic, and they get very uncomfortable when dealing with someone who deviates from the herd norm, even when the deviation is harmless, like being a happy, solitary non-herd person, or just not wanting to get married. Once they are uncomfortable with someone's non-herd behavior pattern, they will do everything in their power to try to force the non-norm, non-herd person to conform to the herd norm. And they get very frustrated, and eventually angry if they have trouble getting someone to conform. They will of course, take out their anger on the one who is not complying with becoming normal.

That's one of the reasons I prefer to live alone. My life is much more peaceful and is much less stressful this way.


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nick007
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27 Feb 2012, 3:57 pm

questor wrote:
Part of it is that misery does love company, but a large part of it is that being married, or at least in a relationship, is the basic adult relationship norm. NTs are always trying to get everyone, whether NT or not, to meet the basic norm patterns of living and behaving. It seems to be a kind of herd behavior characteristic, and they get very uncomfortable when dealing with someone who deviates from the herd norm, even when the deviation is harmless, like being a happy, solitary non-herd person, or just not wanting to get married. Once they are uncomfortable with someone's non-herd behavior pattern, they will do everything in their power to try to force the non-norm, non-herd person to conform to the herd norm. And they get very frustrated, and eventually angry if they have trouble getting someone to conform. They will of course, take out their anger on the one who is not complying with becoming normal.

That's one of the reasons I prefer to live alone. My life is much more peaceful and is much less stressful this way.

I guess misery loving company could be some of it. The people I've known in happy relationships were a lot more accepting of others being single


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Zinnel
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27 Feb 2012, 4:09 pm

I've seen this too everyonce in a awhile and often or not its not because they want someone to suffer in a relationship. Its the fact that they want to live through someone elses happy relationship while theirs is crashing to the ground. So your aunt probably does want the best for your cousin, because she sees hope that your cousin will have or can have a better relationship than her own. And the idea that she might never see that happen is kind of upsitting to her.

For some people's families, having the "young and unmarried" people tell the rest of the family that they never want to get married

is like telling a gardener that their flowers will never bloom, long after they've planted the seeds and waited their whole life to see that happen


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Dilbert
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27 Feb 2012, 4:28 pm

Misery loves company. Some folks are just envious of other's success.

"When are you going to get fat like the rest of us?" - someone actually asked me that. Same thing.



TeaEarlGreyHot
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27 Feb 2012, 4:49 pm

nick007 wrote:
My cousin who's a year younger than me recently broke up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to do a serious relationship & she never wants to get married & have kids. My aunt keeps going on about how sad it is that my cousin will be an old-maid & how she's being very irresponsible. My cousin works a lot & likes going out & having fun when she's not working & she's very happy with that. My aunt is in a bad marriage with my uncle & I don't recall them ever being happy together. Couples like that are the people I feel most sorry for. I got to thinking how the people I've known who are in unhappy relationships are the 1s who have the most issues with others being single. Do people in unhappy relationships want others to be unhappy like them :?:


I don't think it's that they want them to be unhappy, but people that stay in unhappy relationships tend to have this belief that coupling is what life is all about and if someone doesn't they must be unhappy. Also, many times when you're in an unhappy marriage (especially for years at a time) you get good at lying to yourself.

"I'm not unhappy, this is just how life is."

I can't imagine your Aunt really wants your cousin to be miserable. She just has a very black/white view of life and how it's supposed to be.


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Lene
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27 Feb 2012, 6:38 pm

Some people are so scared of being alone that they consider being in an unhappy relationship better than being in none at all. They are unable to see that not everyone feels the same way.

Perhaps they need to convince themselves that all single people are unhappy to validate their own decision?