how long is the longest acceptable shutdown?

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For me, I need to be as still, as quiet, as possible. I absolutely cannot have any interaction whatsoever with other people for any reason. I do not leave my house, I do not even leave my room if possible. If I am able to interact with the world outside my own head, for any reason whatsoever, I do not consider myself to be in shutdown mode. The absolute longest I've existed like this is a few days and that is extremely rare.

I have had stretches, the longest lasting for months, where I would not speak with anyone, would not interact with the world beyond what was necessary for survival (getting food for example). But, since I was able to do that much, I do not consider those to be shutdowns.

Which is why I think maybe the definition is different for each individual. Unless the person has someone else to care for their basic needs, providing food and the like, I do not see how a shutdown (or what I consider to be one) would be physically survivable for multiple months. And, for me at least, even being able to interact with that caretaker would mean that I was not in a shutdown.

It was also mentioned by at least one poster that it would help if their partner were to communicate what was going on. In what I experience as a shutdown, that level of communication is simply not possible.

Not trying to say that others definitions are wrong, just that they are different from mine.

The fact is that I can go a week or so shutdown. I just want as little contact with anybody during that time as possible. Given that fact, I would have to say I had better be willing to put up with a couple of weeks or a month from somebody else. With some people I have known in the past it would appear that a day without communication is too much for them.

The problem is not usually a shutdown for me, but rather the fact that to avoid entering that mode, I usually have to limit contact / time spent with somebody. I don't know how or if I would ever be able to live with somebody who had the expectation that I were there each evening or daily contact. I can limit a shutdown to, maybe once a year by having regular, shorter times away from people. The problem is that many people don't seem to understand that need.

Finally, I would have to say that while there is a time limit on a romantic relationship, there is no time limit to friendships. If I can pick up friendships after years of no contact when somebody moves back to the city I am in or somehow drops back into my life, I can pick up a friendship with somebody who has entered "shut down mode" providing I enjoyed their company in the first place.

I'd also be concerned that the person needed to shut ME out.
When I go into shutdowns, it's at the world and all that upsets me about it- how cruel and irrational and noisy and mindless it is.
Any SO would be the opposite- my rock, my confidante, and my best friend.
Regardless of whether everyone experiences them the same way,
I'd still be hurt if even *I* needed to be shut out of someone's life.

I said one or two weeks, in the provision that something really jarring happened and both sides know they want it to still work but realize that they won't be able to say anything to each other without a pretty good amount of buffer time if they want to avoid an instant and really explosive fight from happening.

sometimes under stress i black out completely and dont remember anything. is tht a shutdown?

i am not sure, DiabloDave363. maybe someone else knows?

I am six years into my current relationship, and have noticed that at first I hardly ever shutdown, once through the honeymoon period and into some heavy life experiences, I did start shutting down. I tried hard not to, and the period would be up to a week (by my definition). in the ensuing years I have noticed that the period get briefer and briefer. Now my typical shutdown lasts an hour or two, and occasionally a day and night. Knowing that I am Aspie and may need these shutdowns, really helps me to give permission to myself to take them/take care of myself in this way; it also helps my partner to be understanding.

Wow, I am really surprised by the many 1-2 week votes. I'm surprised there are many partners willing to put up with such a thing. I know my husband is extremely upset if I disengage for even a few minutes to try to calm myself. I myself feel compelled to fix any relationship rifts with partners or (past) friends and can't let it go too long without trying to communicate with the person in question. I may disengage for a few minutes to an hour when I am very upset but I am always compelled to go back and resolve the conflict asap. Further, I don't feel any need to disengage unless some overwhelming emotional conflict has occured.

That assumes that the shutdown is caused by the relationship and not outside forces.

I live with my boyfriend. We've been together 5 years. He's been in a burnout like these shutdowns lately (and varies from being unable to have me mention I can help with dishes to being clingy and obsessing over doing what's best for me). In his case, its been caused not by anything to do with the relationship, but by trying to finish his master's degree.

yes, shutdowns that are unrelated to the relationship, where the person is still in full contact with the partner, would be a whole other issue.

Hmm, Shutdown here means something a bit less defined than what I normally consider a shutdown; Mind and/or body no longer obeying me, depersonalization. We are talking more about emotional overloading here, are we not? That is my impression. In which case, withdrawing might be a better term.
My shut-downs are just that, like someone flipped the switch to "OFF"!
Sorry to be nit-picky about this, & not trying to high-jack the thread.
Anyway a week to two are acceptable in my book..

Sincerely,
Matthew

What I'm saying doesn't include full contact. A shutdown extreme enough to have someone non-verbal for a large amount of the day, unable to so much as communicate via typing is not at all full contact.

I'm not talking about full contact, I'm talking about drastically reduced contact. It just happens that it can't be no contact as we live together, so I see when he's most functional as well as least.

Anyways, my point was that these don't necessarily only occur because of the relationship. If we weren't living together, I would be going for long periods of time without contact from him, despite the fact that the trigger was academic rather than romantic.



I've been reading these as shutdowns (in the mind and body no longer obeying self) caused by emotional overloading leading to lack of contact between people in a romantic relationship.

I think 30 seconds is acceptable unless critical updates are being installed

OK, we are talking about sensory/emotional overload caused by close proximity of a romantic interest.

Matthew

I've never had a AS shutdown on anyone I have ever dated. I can't say what it's like to be on the receiving end either as I've never dated another Aspie (and have no intention of doing so either)

But taking neurology out of the equation, I'd be just as concerned about how frequent the shutdowns were as well as how long they lasted. But anything beyond 72 hours & I'd consider them to be seriously milking it, they'd be out of the relationship & out of my life for good.

sorry, I was just teasing :) I think a few days is acceptable in my books. once it gets over a week i would reach the conclusion that there are other aggravating factors than emotional overload