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Karma1
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02 Apr 2012, 5:40 pm

I posted up here a while back. My 28 year old brother did not know he had Asperger's, even though he had been diagnosed as a child - our parents decided not to tell anyone.

When I found out (recently) I reached out here at Wrong Planet to see if it was a good idea for my brother to be told about his diagnosis. It seemed everyone agreed that he had a right to know. I reached out to a therapist who specializes in ASD and spoke with her at length about what his diagnosis means, how he might take the news, how it might be best to break it to him.... I did my research.

My dad told him over this past weekend, and to say my brother has not taken it well, is an understatement. My brother will not speak to me, and has sent me hateful emails, filled with profanity... and he has completely cut himself off from me. Apparently, he is through with me for good.

The reason he is so angry with me (I'm not sure if he's as angry at my dad or not... I have to suspect he is) is because my dad read him a part of an email that I wrote to my dad about my brother. I don't even know what I said, but can only imagine it was something damning like suggesting that he get tested.

I wonder.... if you were not told the news that you had Asperger's until you were much older.... how did you take it? How did you come to accept it? Do you think his reaction is simply that... a reaction, and he'll calm down in a while, when he has had some more time to process it?

I'm worried about him.



Chronos
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02 Apr 2012, 5:52 pm

Karma1 wrote:
I posted up here a while back. My 28 year old brother did not know he had Asperger's, even though he had been diagnosed as a child - our parents decided not to tell anyone.

When I found out (recently) I reached out here at Wrong Planet to see if it was a good idea for my brother to be told about his diagnosis. It seemed everyone agreed that he had a right to know. I reached out to a therapist who specializes in ASD and spoke with her at length about what his diagnosis means, how he might take the news, how it might be best to break it to him.... I did my research.

My dad told him over this past weekend, and to say my brother has not taken it well, is an understatement. My brother will not speak to me, and has sent me hateful emails, filled with profanity... and he has completely cut himself off from me. Apparently, he is through with me for good.

The reason he is so angry with me (I'm not sure if he's as angry at my dad or not... I have to suspect he is) is because my dad read him a part of an email that I wrote to my dad about my brother. I don't even know what I said, but can only imagine it was something damning like suggesting that he get tested.

I wonder.... if you were not told the news that you had Asperger's until you were much older.... how did you take it? How did you come to accept it? Do you think his reaction is simply that... a reaction, and he'll calm down in a while, when he has had some more time to process it?

I'm worried about him.


I think it was inappropriate for your father to share part of your e-mail with him. It would have sufficed simply for your father to tell him he had been diagnosed with AS when he was younger.

You should find out exactly what you said in the e-mail.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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02 Apr 2012, 6:56 pm

Wow. Serious. I suppose wait a good long while, like a full 6 months. And then politely and respectfully make an overture to re-initiate contact.



OliveOilMom
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02 Apr 2012, 7:07 pm

I wasn't dx'd until several years ago and I'm almost 48. Finding out at a later age isn't always a problem. I think that if I were your brother, I would be mad because everybody else knew except me. The fact that nobody respected me enough to tell me something they knew about my own body, something that would have an impact on me for life, something I could have started working on earlier, and learning about, and they just didn't tell me? I'd be furious.

Even if you only recently found out, he may feel betrayed that you didn't come directly to him and tell him. I know that I would feel like I was being treated like a child if my family did that. I'd feel like you didn't think as highly of me as I thought you did and I'd be pretty pissed.

I'm not saying you did wrong. You did what you thought was right, and you wanted to know how it would be best for him to learn of it. He probably can't see that right now. I can see it because I'm outside the situation, but if I were him, I'd just go ballistic. No offense. I'm just telling you how I'd react.

How would you feel if your brother found out something about you that was important to you and then hesitated in coming to you, talking to others to decide if, when and how to tell you? Lets say that he found out that your significant other was cheating on you and the person he was cheating with had a disease, but not a life threatening one. Say he found out about it after your family had known a while. Now, these are obviously two different situations, one involving something that just is, (his AS) and something that is an immoral action done to someone (cheating) but they could both carry the same emotional wallop.

He probably feels confused and shocked about the AS, doesn't know what to do, if anything, about it, and now has no one that he feels comfortable turning to about it.

Now, I'm not getting on you about this. You did a very loving thing for your brother. You have every good intention, and it doesn't sound like you thought less of him at all. I'm just explaining how I imagine he's feeling.

I would give him time to cool off and then write to him and explain how and when you found out and why you didn't go straight to him at first. That's what I think he wants to know. Witholding it all his life is another issue that he will have to deal with and talk to his parents about.


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autismdad2011
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02 Apr 2012, 9:47 pm

Karma1, why was it important for you to bring this up now? I mean, did you feel he was having any issues that were affecting his daily life? Sorry, I did not read your previous posts on this forum so I am asking this. I was/am in a similar situation where I suspect a couple of family members might be on the spectrum but most folks here advised not to mention anything as these family members have no major issues just a few things that doesn't seem quiet right. Either way, I am sure more than angry he feels betrayed that this was happening behind his back and had to find out the way he did. Def wrong on your dad to show him your email. I'm sure in time once he understands your concern over this he will come around.



momsparky
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03 Apr 2012, 8:59 am

Karma, I'm so sorry things turned out this way. I think you did the right thing, though.

I can only imagine that your brother is really struggling with a lot of things, and it will take him time to figure it all out. I wish I could offer you some advice, but I know for us, it was a struggle to understand my son's diagnosis; I can't imagine what it would be having that kind of shock about yourself.



Karma1
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03 Apr 2012, 10:26 am

Thanks all. Hopefully I can address your questions here.... some answers overlap, so my goal is to cover them all even if I'm not addressing it in your personal section.

autismdad2011 - It was important to bring this up now because his daily life is suffering. In fact, the only reason my father told me about his diagnosis was because I suggested her might need to be re-diagnosed. I knew my brother was ADHD and dyslexic, and went to a special school when he was a kid, but I didn't think those diagnoses were enough to explain some of the behaviors and patterns that my brother displays. One of the most obvious things is that he is not independent, and has never really been independent (or at least, not successfully, and not continuously). He hasn't had a job in two years and has been living at home with my dad, who does everything for him: supports him, cooks for him, does his laundry, etc. I actually suggested to my dad that my brother might have Asperger's..... since my own daughter has a range of diagnoses including Autism (PDD), which has led me to learn a lot about the spectrum, and interact with many parents who have kids all over the spectrum. Whenever I heard/read about Asperger's, I always thought of my brother.

OliveOilMom - thank you, yes, I totally appreciate that he has a right to be angry, and that keeping it from him was the wrong thing to do. That is part of why I insisted that my brother be told. My father gave me strict instruction not to tell my brother... he wanted to do it. I couldn't betray my dad, and I told him what a difficult position he was putting me in. In fact, I gave him a bit of a push to tell my bro, by telling him I'd have to do it if he didn't... that I couldn't keep lying to him. Considering that my brother is my father's son, I thought it was better coming from him. Also, they live together. If I had told my brother, he may have gotten angry with my dad, and then it could have caused a very unpleasant living situation. I feel very badly for my brother. I did expect him to be angry.... just not at me. I have always supported him, as a friend and sister, and so when he is hurting, I hurt too... especially if I can't reach out to him and help him.


Chronos - I agree... but what's done is done. My dad told me what it was that he read out to my brother. As I suspected, it was about him getting a proper diagnosis and perhaps getting benefits to help him - which I thought was important since he's had no income for the last two years, I thought this might be something to look into... for the future... our dad won't be there to support him forever :-( My dad said he didn't think what he read to him was "very explosive"... but I also suspect that my brother may have hacked into my dad's email account. He recently did that to an ex-boss, and discovered things he didn't like. This is what happens when you break into someone's private emails. If my brother read everything I've written to my dad over the last few weeks... he's sure to feel betrayed and upset.

momsparky - thanks for your support, it is encouraging. I think that my brother's upset is based on his inner-knowing of the issues that his diagnosis presents for him. If my dad came to me and told me: you have Asperger's, it wouldn't anger me or upset me. I'd be curious about it, yes, but it wouldn't shake the foundation of my reality - because I have a strong foundation in my life. I'm not living at home with my dad and being fully supported by him, and I think my brother has wondered over the years about his differences... It is the truth within what he has learned about himself that is so upsetting. I'd probably be upset that no one told me for over 20 years... and I'd definitely want to know about the reasoning behind it. I don't agree with my parents' decision not to tell him, or me or my other sibling.... but that was not my child, so it was not my decision. I hope you have been able to understand your son's diagnosis, and that you are also able to help him understand it.

AardvarkGoodSwimmer - thanks... six months seems like a long time, I'll probably wait a couple of months... and then contact him again. I have tried to explain everything to him, and let him know he is loved and that I only want the best for him... but he is not open to hearing it at all. In fact, he told me to F Off. So... I can't really do much with that. At least he and my dad are ok.... no anger or fighting there... which is strange, since it was my dad who didn't tell him for so many years. I guess my brother needs someone to be angry with, and it is easier for him to be mad at me. I don't know... my dad says I shouldn't worry about it... which is easier said than done! The repercussions of keeping a secret like this have reared their ugly head, and now my relationship with my brother is suffering. But, at the end of the day, I am ok. It is my brother that I'm worried about. Our relationship can be repaired later... but my brother has to make a life for himself. That is a much bigger priority.