Asperger issues or he is just not that into you...or both?

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Yes we (NT's) do have a lot of trouble with that because we are used to dealing with NT guys/girls. If we had an NT love interest, we would just ask our NT friends their opinions. But more realistically we would be more in tune to what's happening because we ourselves are NT and know what certain behaviors denote.



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I don't believe this is the thought process. At least not in my situation. I'm sure there are people out there NT and AS alike who feel that they are God's gift to creation however for the most part I think the issue here is that the things that we do to attract the NT crowd doesn't always work for the AS crowd. I flirted with my Aspie for 8 months before he got a clue that I was interested. Maybe he had an inkling and just wasn't sure. Whatever it was if he had been an NT guy that 8 months would have been an 8 minutes.



Yes this why NT women come here. If they were dealing with an NT guy and he started behaving this way they or at least I would know he's on his way out of relationship. But with an AS guy is that really the case? Knowing what we (NT's) know about AS we can only wonder if this is why he is acting this way. We don't want to give up before we are sure that he is just being a jerk and "not really that into me" .



As an NT woman, I read some of the posts and think the same thing...



hmmm...a female disease? So this doesn't happen with AS guys???

I feel the problem is that NT women (yes most of the posters are women) use forums as an Aspie manual. I like to use the forums for guidance. No one knows my Aspie so no one can tell me what he's thinking. Only he can do that and the folks here have nudged me towards effective communication with him so that I can find out exactly what he's thinking/feeling.

Have mercy on us NT's a lot of us are trying hard to navigate your planet. Obviously we've found (or think we've found) someone who makes us want to move to your planet.

Many thoughtful, interesting responses to my original post.

I am glad to know I am not the only one who reads these epic sad stories and thinks to myself, this sounds like a basic case of 'he is just not that into you', not he is acting this way due to being an Aspergian. Or this man is acting like a jerk because he IS a jerk, not because of Asperger traits....

For the last person who posted on this thread, saying she finds this website helpful to understand her Aspie mate, well and good and it sounds like your relationship is working out. Hurray.

I was really posting in reference to the situations where it does not work out and the lovelorn poster does not realize, or cannot, or is unable, in massive denial, or refuses to discern what are Asperger traits she needs to understand and what is the old, "he is just not that into you" story.

The last epic thread on this theme, this woman was trying so hard to win this man over, and he was giving her mixed messages, so she kept at it, even though she knew she should give up pursuing him. And it turns out he is not as socially clueless, so Asperger difficult, as she thought, her last post was, 'he told me he has a new girlfriend, I am crushed.' If he was so socially/emotionally inept, how did he find himself that new girlfriend?

From what I have read here and elsewhere, an Asperger mate is very loyal, very honest, painfully at times, yes, and will not play head games with their loved one. And I have read some very articulate articles written by Asperger men on how to treat your NT wife so she will stay married to you. Not to mention David Finch's book on his marriage which was about to fall apart due to his Asperger traits, until his wife realized what was going on with him....he wrote about the experience. And he clearly wanted to stay married to his wife and did whatever he could to make his marriage work. And I guess that would be another thread.....

I agree and disagree.

I also had the impression that in some stories the females blamed too much on AS and it often came across as if the AS partner only had to realize or be persuaded how much he loved her. A bit like he is not allowed to make his own decisions because he is misguided by his AS.

But speaking from experience, AS beahviour in the context of relationships is often more than surprising and impossible to understand. When you just think everything is perfect and expect the relationship to become closer, he suddenly backs off completetly, leaving the woman wondering what mistake she made. She probably came too close and that frightened him. But it contradicts all what NTs have experienced so far so it only human to think it is all a big misunderstanding, especially if it is asscociated with a lack of communication.

All I can say is that the damage of being left the AS typical way is tremendous for many women because they need to question all they had believed in for many, many years.

I think that this is something that alot of women go through, maybe all people go through, in their lives.

Everyone wants to be loved and when they see other people pairing up around them in seemingly easy ways, then they want the same.

I'm not sure how to word what i'm trying to say. It's hard to give up on someone and have to go out and find someone else and start the whole process all over again. It gets tiring and personally i'm sick of it.

So I understand the people who hang on for dear life not wanting to believe that the other person doesn't really want them. It's hard to accept yet again that no one loves you.

I agree with this^^



and this^^

I've noticed it too. I have replied to them in the past, but I think my bitterness ends up coming through and I end up telling them too bluntly that they should get rid of them because those men obviously aren't interested. Oh well.

OK this thread has now been officially taken over by the ladies who post about these epic he treats me badly do you think he has Aspergers....

Err, are you referring to me?

Oh for God's sake, you can at least tell me why rather than having a go at me in the title.

So when I post, you say I've suddenly officially taken over, as if you're accusing me of doing something wrong.

And you've pre-judged me. Exactly as another user has done on the forum, but surprise surprise, reached the complete opposite conclusion.

That, and you speak like this to me right after I've split up with someone. That was a horrible thing to do. Shame on you.

So both sides of the story are not to be heard and you just want to vent about how stupid other people are. Sorry I thought this was a discussion. My apologies.

I was not referring to you Smudge!

Not at all, and unless I missed something I think we are on the same page as far as people who post the epic posts about, he is treating me so badly, should I hang in there because I think it is due to Asperger traits? We agree the man is being horrible and the woman should quit debasing herself and turning herself into a pretzel for Mr. Distant.

Or do we not?

Whatever. I was merely commenting on yet another disturbing trend I see on WP and was wondering if I was the only one who read these posts and thought what is wrong with these people, the guy is a jerk, or a jerky Aspergian perhaps, but at the end of the day someone who is treating her very badly and she should stop kicking a dead horse and get on with her life.

I am giving up reading these posts because it is too depressing. I feel the same way about the suicide posters too on WP.

Another irony I have noticed in these forums, so many love lorn men post here about their romantic troubles and how badly they want a girlfriend, lover, partner, whatever. Do you think they would end up being cads, if they did get the woman of their dreams? I don't think so. I think they would do whatever it takes to make their relationship work.

I was half joking in that previous post and no, I was not referring to your post at all.

And that's about all I have to say about this issue. My lips are sealed from here on out on this topic, or should I say my fingers are not talking anymore

Oh I think they just might. The more of a pedestal I put a woman on, or to be more accurate, the more I care about the outcome - the worse my paralysis. And you're talking about the "ideal" woman? Perfection. That's some pedestal! I mean, damn. I don't think I can even see way up there. For my own sanity, I would - run like hell.

Such a woman could not exist, though. From a practical point of view, the ideal woman is a contradiction in terms. She'd have to be less than ideal, to be ideal.