Social overload and motor stereotypies

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Deinonychus
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21 Apr 2012, 9:27 am

(Before I start, I'll just mention that I have only an unofficial AS diagnosis from an autism therapy centre, so I'm not a diagnosed "Aspie". I have also always been good at hiding my social difficulties from people (basically by avoiding social contact as far as possible) so getting an official AS diagnosis is probably unrealistic, especially as I'm 58.)

What I want to write about is something from my childhood. I can probably find some other explanation for each one of my issues as an adult and forget about AS as the real explanation but I can't explain this "symptom" by any other 'syndrome' or 'disorder'. I hate it when people ask for on-line diagnoses but I suppose I'm about to do the same, against my principles, just in case anyone has anything sensible to say about it which may help me solve this puzzle a bit more. I've been posting here since September, by the way, and am still just as confused, despite getting some sort of confirmation at the autism centre and finding a lot of common themes with people here.

From earliest childhood I couldn't be around people for more than a short time. After being with people I would have to withdraw into my room to wave objects in front of my eyes, going into a kind of hyper-focussed, very fulfilled and happy state which stood in complete contrast to the pressure that had built up to unbearable levels during the time I was in the company of others. As an even younger child I used to flap my hands until they hurt so much that I couldn't flap them any more (I can still remember the pain in my wrists). Over the years I spent hours every day alone in my room waving pieces of cotton or other similar things in front of my eyes and calling up different private worlds in my head in which everything was the way I wanted it (trains, ships castles etc). During family holidays it was a serious problem for me that I had to be with my parents and sister on the beach the whole day, so I had to withdraw by myself to the caravan we were staying in to do my motor stereotypies for an hour or so at least in order to get my stress level down somewhat. It was unbearable for my brain to be around people for too long without releasing the pressure in this way each day. Anyway, I used to do this a lot every day until I was about 20. Since then I suppose I just do about an hour a day spread out over the day in 20 minute bursts, mainly just pouring water from one container into another, though I also love waving things in front of my eyes (if it is the right kind of thing and done in the right way). I still get horribly overloaded just by being with people at all, no matter how well I know them or how good the interaction is.

When I was about 12 I decided I was abnormal but decided to just accept being abnormal without worrying about it. At 14 I asked myself if I was developing properly or if I was some kind of ret*d. People couldn't understand my social overload or my need for privacy (they didn't know that I needed to wave things in front of my eyes and go into my own world). When I learnt a litlle about autistic people (back in 1970) I told myself I was a little autistic and left it at that. Since then, whenever I thought of my motor stereotypies I simply thought "Oh, that's just my autism" and didn't make a big deal of it.

At the moment, I am trying to work out if I really am a little autistic (I start therapy on Tuesday and intend to discuss these things there) and I find that I can explain away everything else (learning to read 20 languages as an adult, avoiding social interaction whenever possible, being diagnosed as an aspie by the one social contact I do have, being unable to work full-time due to the social overload, not meeting my first girlfriend until I was 33 etc etc). The one thing I can't explain away is how I was as a child, because I am sure that if someone had put a camera in my room for only one day during all those years I would have been dragged off to a child psychologist for testing.

Somehow I can't avoid viewing those stereotypies and those feelings of social overload as autistic. This uncertainty is only a problem because on the one hand I don't feel comfortable diagnosing myself but on the other hand these phenomena are otherwise unexplained. Whenever I do an internet search on the topic I get journals with titles like "The autistic child" or "Autism today", and if I want to see videos of children doing what I did as a child or of people explaining it I have to call up videos with the word "autism" in the title.

If anyone has anything to say I'd be really glad to hear from you, because I'm so confused.



DJRAVEN66
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21 Apr 2012, 12:51 pm

Hear is a link to some online tests you can take that might clear some things up for you.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html



btbnnyr
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21 Apr 2012, 1:25 pm

Quote:
I still get horribly overloaded just by being with people at all, no matter how well I know them or how good the interaction is.


Yes, this true for me too. All hoooman interactions, even good gooder goodest, come with cost of overload. Goooooood at time, price paid afterwards. Afterwards, need sit in front of computer and chill for hours. Chill = mindless repetitive activities. Stimming + Bejeweled + Music = Funny Farm Happy Home. Chill = Big Red Reset Button. Press Press Press...Press Press Press!

What you described is normal for autism.

Without autism, NT introverts can also feel overloaded by hoooman interactions, but I don't think that they go to their rooms and do the things that you do to reset yourself, and I don't think that they get the same good feelings from doing those things. Autistic people do those things so much, because those things give us good feelings.



Matt62
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21 Apr 2012, 1:58 pm

Sounds like an official dx is just a formality in your case. Besides, I do not think there are any doctors who can do bloodwork & say "he/she has autism!" in existence.
Your traits sit FIRMLY on the spectrum..

Sincerely,
Matthew



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Deinonychus
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22 Apr 2012, 11:22 am

Matt62 wrote:
Sounds like an official dx is just a formality in your case. Besides, I do not think there are any doctors who can do bloodwork & say "he/she has autism!" in existence.
Your traits sit FIRMLY on the spectrum..

Sincerely,
Matthew


Thanks for your feedback. I'm so unsure about the whole diagnosis thing. I've heard so many horror stories. The person I saw at the autism centre said he was sure that these were autistic symptoms but he stressed that he was just giving his own opinion since he was not a qualified doctor and that to get a diagnosis you have to see a doctor. I don't need a diagnosis for anything because I manage OK in my own way and a diagnosis at 58 is a bit of a waste of everybody's time unless you actually need help of some kind.



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Deinonychus
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22 Apr 2012, 11:34 am

btbnnyr wrote:
Quote:
I still get horribly overloaded just by being with people at all, no matter how well I know them or how good the interaction is.


Yes, this true for me too. All hoooman interactions, even good gooder goodest, come with cost of overload. Goooooood at time, price paid afterwards. Afterwards, need sit in front of computer and chill for hours. Chill = mindless repetitive activities. Stimming + Bejeweled + Music = Funny Farm Happy Home. Chill = Big Red Reset Button. Press Press Press...Press Press Press!

What you described is normal for autism.

Without autism, NT introverts can also feel overloaded by hoooman interactions, but I don't think that they go to their rooms and do the things that you do to reset yourself, and I don't think that they get the same good feelings from doing those things. Autistic people do those things so much, because those things give us good feelings.


Yes. my stereotypies feel amazing. The best feeling as a child was to be doing a stereotypy, looking at a picture of some means of transport or battle scene or whatever and being in my own private world in my head at the same time, so that there were three layers to the experience. But even the stereotypy by itself felt great. I grew up before video or computer games were invented, so I suppose nowadays one doesn't need a private world because a world comes provided by the games designers.



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Deinonychus
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22 Apr 2012, 12:47 pm

DJRAVEN66 wrote:
Hear is a link to some online tests you can take that might clear some things up for you.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html


Thanks for the tip :) . I did the tests last autumn and came out positive on all of them. Trouble is I don't believe in the tests. I don't think online tests provide any real answers to anything. Here in Germany less than a third of the people who present themselves for a formal diagnosis after scoring positive on the on-line tests actually turn out to have AS, so the tests are really, really unreliable. And that's leaving out all the people who don't go to be tested. Although I've come across people on here and on other AS forums who can't accept an OFFICIAL diagnosis, either, but have carried on questioning themselves afterwards as to whether the person diagnosing actually used the right procedures or knew what they were doing. 8O The whole thing is a minefield.