Excitement of a New Romantic Relationship

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Night_Shade917
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27 Apr 2012, 12:19 pm

One of the books I've been reading was on the topic of the beginning of a romantic relationship with someone who has Asperger's. It touched on the topic of the Aspie making a lot of effort in the beginning of the relationship, being very loving and attentive towards their partner in order to be closer to them. They talk to their partner everyday and continue making a really big effort for their partner for the first 2 years of the relationship or so.

The book also stated that when the relationship goes long-term, they go back to their Aspie ways but will still really care about their partner and become more comfortable in being themselves again. It also stated that for the Aspie who's keeping this up, it could be very exhausting, because after a certain time period, they feel they've already established their feelings about their partner and they feel they don't need to do what they did in the beginning anymore. Is this true for any of you?

This kind of sparked up a few questions that I would like to ask; How are Aspies able to give up their traits? Could it be the desire to be with this person that pushes them to make more of an effort in the very beginning? Is it possible for a significant other to sometimes be a Special Interest over a certain period of time?



TommyTomorrow
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27 Apr 2012, 3:06 pm

Night_Shade917 wrote:
This kind of sparked up a few questions that I would like to ask; How are Aspies able to give up their traits? Could it be the desire to be with this person that pushes them to make more of an effort in the very beginning? Is it possible for a significant other to sometimes be a Special Interest over a certain period of time?


The traits are always there with us.
The difference is that some of us are capable of working around the traits that restrict our ability to be happy by compensating for them with hard work, training or other techniques.
I don't know of anyone that has made their significant other into a Special Interest.
I'm not sure most SOs would be happy with that, because the level of contact and attention that would require could very well be considering smothering by many.



Jono
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27 Apr 2012, 3:21 pm

TommyTomorrow wrote:
Night_Shade917 wrote:
This kind of sparked up a few questions that I would like to ask; How are Aspies able to give up their traits? Could it be the desire to be with this person that pushes them to make more of an effort in the very beginning? Is it possible for a significant other to sometimes be a Special Interest over a certain period of time?


The traits are always there with us.
The difference is that some of us are capable of working around the traits that restrict our ability to be happy by compensating for them with hard work, training or other techniques.
I don't know of anyone that has made their significant other into a Special Interest.
I'm not sure most SOs would be happy with that, because the level of contact and attention that would require could very well be considering smothering by many.


That's more or less what I was going to say before you replied.

@Night_Shade: Aspies don't so much "get rid of their traits" rather than create an impression that we do. What makes us aspies actually never changes and it takes quite a lot of effort to make ourselves appear that way to the other partner, which is why aspies become exhausted and eventually stop doing it later. Of course, as you said, this does not mean that the aspie doesn't genuinely care for the partner and I think it helps for an NT partner to know that.



Kinme
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27 Apr 2012, 3:36 pm

There is always a struggle between how much freedom either of us had. We always wanted to run away when we felt we were too close to each other. This alternated: one of us would cling, the other would run. There was never a balance found for our relationship and it caused both of us a lot of problems. Makes sense with the two year thing. What book is this? I think that a lot of the time we were trying to find this balance and never could. It's really sad, too, because we had so much in common and were best friends above all else.

A lot of the things we'd do would irk each other. He'd stim a ton, and it would irritate me sometimes, and he would get hurt at me when I'd tell him to stop. Or, I'd be focused on my special interest and he'd feel like I wasn't interested in him at all. Or he was focusing on his special interest and didn't seem to care about me. It was back and forth. When we weren't upset at each other, we had really, really wonderful times together. It was nice being able to be myself and be completely out there with how strange I am in comparison to other people. I didn't feel like he would judge me or critique me. The problems really began when he started correcting everything I did, and I did the same to him. I think finding this balance is really key to making relationships work, now that I've been through it firsthand.



Night_Shade917
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28 Apr 2012, 1:41 pm

Thank you TommyTomorrow, Jono and Kimne for your replies! All three of you have been really helpful. Thanks for sharing your perspectives. I feel I understand this much better!

TommyTomorrow: So you're saying their traits are still there but they are hidden and the Aspie works around them and compensates for them? When you said that the amount of contact and attention could be considered as smothering; Isn't it normally that way in the beginning of relationships? Well I guess not for everybody but from what I know you'll want to spend as much time with the person as possible and both will make a lot of effort to bond during this time and get to know eachother as much as possible and to build a level of trust between one another. I read that in the beginning stages of a relationship your brain releases hormones and endorphins because the relationship is new and exciting. I guess it doesn't work that way for everyone though. I can see where you're coming from with what you said in your post, thank you for responding.

Jono: Of course, all your points there are valid. I am an NT and the first thing I understood about Asperger's when I started researching it was that when they stop doing what they used to do, it's not because they don't love you anymore, it's just that they are exhausted from hiding their traits and I completely understand that. I would never hold this against my boyfriend. Thank you for answering!

Kinme: Thank you for sharing your story! Yes I do think the balance in relationships are very important indeed. Relationships go through a bit of a power struggle at times, but that can be worked through. I think as long as both sides give and take and have that balance between eachother, then both partners will be able to be happy. It's really important to appreciate the small things your partner does and take notice of the ways they will show their love because I think everyone has different ways of showing their love than what we'd normally expect. The book I've been reading is called Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships written by Ashley Stanford. This is one of the best books I've read about Asperger's, definately one that I would recommend to anyone that would like to find out more about Asperger's. Although this book is more for the NT in a relationship with a partner who has Asperger's. This book does give information of Asperger's though, if you are interested in reading about it. :)



waitykatie
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28 Apr 2012, 5:09 pm

Night_Shade917 wrote:
Is it possible for a significant other to sometimes be a Special Interest over a certain period of time?

Yes. I did not understand it at the time, but I was my Aspie's Special Interest from Day 1. He had me practically living with him, and could hardly bear to let me go for the day. Every morning at the door, he was sad and clingy, like a little boy. This went on for seven weeks, ending only because I had already planned and paid for a six-week trip to study abroad. He was very upset I had to go, and not very understanding that there was no way to cancel without forfeiting thousands of dollars and infuriating my family. When I returned, he came to collect me at the airport, but I was not his Special Interest anymore. I could get him to see me only twice over the next six months. If I had not taken the trip, I would have continued to be his Special Interest, but I can't estimate for how long.



TommyTomorrow
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28 Apr 2012, 5:23 pm

Night_Shade917 wrote:
TommyTomorrow: So you're saying their traits are still there but they are hidden and the Aspie works around them and compensates for them?


Bingo.
NTs run around understanding what people are thinking by looking at their faces and listening to their inflection. They do it instinctively.
We don't have the hard-wiring that will let us do that instinctively. We practice it as a skill, and by so doing get better at it.
In the case of reading emotions by watching faces and listening to tones, some of us find it to be an exhausting skill. Much like doing complex calculus equations when you aren't good at math, it can leave you very tired.
My AS fiancee, who has an office job, can do a very good job of practicing the social skills needed to play office politics. The problem is that she is absolutely spent when she comes home, and it takes a toll.
We pay the price for doing that.
Sometimes we will choose activities that don't require us to do our NT impressions, which generally dictates that we be alone, or with very good friends who we do not need to 'act' for.

Night_Shade917 wrote:
When you said that the amount of contact and attention could be considered as smothering; Isn't it normally that way in the beginning of relationships? Well I guess not for everybody but from what I know you'll want to spend as much time with the person as possible and both will make a lot of effort to bond during this time and get to know eachother as much as possible and to build a level of trust between one another. I read that in the beginning stages of a relationship your brain releases hormones and endorphins because the relationship is new and exciting. I guess it doesn't work that way for everyone though. I can see where you're coming from with what you said in your post, thank you for responding.


There's a difference between constant companionship, as you have at the beginning of many relationships, and becoming your partner's Special Interest.
I'm not quite sure how to explain the difference.
Right now, my partner is hanging out with an old friend.
That means I'll be apart from her for about 5 hours in total.
During that time, I've cooked lunch, shopped for clothes (that I don't really need badly) at a thrift store, and now I'm going to spend some time on WrongPlanet, then Facebook, then meet back up with her.
If she was my SI, then the above activities would be replaced by:
Cooked lunch, written her a poem, Googled her name, checked for public records, called her friends and talked while trying to get information about her, researched the schools she has attended, read up about any medical/mental conditions she had, and looked up topics she has an interest in so that we can talk about those later.

Is any of that bad?
Well, calling her friends up might be weird, but if I was very subtle about things, they're now my friends too, so it wouldn't be all the odd.
Aside from that, good things to do to build a lasting relationship, right?
Perhaps.
However, if she was my SI, that's what I would do. Every. Single. Time. I wasn't around her and didn't have any work or chores to do.
That might seem like a dream to many women, and indeed lots of women are upset on a daily basis by men that ignore them almost all of the time.
It would, however, get very weird eventually.
It would also get very hard to keep doing. My partner isn't a public figure, and there's only so much I could learn about her by doing public record searches, researching her on Facebook and befriending her friends.
I can only write so many poems, and that's not a great idea anyway if she doesn't like my poetry.
Once I'd have spent a few months as her partner, the only stuff left to do as far as indulging my interest in her as an SI would be to research:
- her medical conditions or traits
- her special interests

At that point, I would have (these are examples, they are NOT actually her traits and SIs (except for AS)) one or more of the following as an SI:
- diabetes
- AS
- David Bowie
- Johnny Cash

At that point, it's no longer her as an SI.
As a matter of fact, I've never had her as an SI.
I do, in fact, share a profession with her (it used by be my SI), and one of her SI is one of my past SI.
I hope that helped.



waitykatie
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28 Apr 2012, 6:16 pm

TommyTomorrow wrote:
There's a difference between constant companionship, as you have at the beginning of many relationships, and becoming your partner's Special Interest.

Yes - I've experienced both. Being an SI is totally different, both in quality and quantity, and (from an NT standpoint) extremely strange. It was much more intense and consuming than the usual "white heat" phase of a new romance. He was very demanding of my time and quite inconsiderate about other obligations I had. We didn't talk much, and never went out in public, for anything. He had certain rules, and I had to be a good girl and follow them. We had exactly one argument, over something he wanted that I was a little squeamish about. He wasn't outraged, but firm: I could either comply, or go home. He was such a domineering as*hole about it, I laughed. He didn't. He was dead serious. So I agreed to give it a try, and then he was happy again and harmony was restored. (He was right - it worked out fine).

I was pretty sure - not 100% certain - he loved me. But I could tell it wasn't all about me, that something else was driving him. There were moments when I felt objectified, that he was experimenting on me, or testing my limits. I loved him, so I didn't mind, and I trusted him never to intentionally hurt me or do anything terrible. But it was nothing like any other boy-girl thing I've ever experienced, before or since! I didn't talk about it much to anyone, because it was so impossible to describe.



TommyTomorrow
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28 Apr 2012, 6:21 pm

Thanks for sharing that, Waitykatie!
I wasn't sure it had ever actually happened to anyone. Now I know.



waitykatie
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28 Apr 2012, 6:39 pm

TommyTomorrow wrote:
I wasn't sure it had ever actually happened to anyone. Now I know.

Ha ha! I wasn't either. I've read piles of books on AS, and only one briefly mentioned that this has been known to happen. So my impression is that it is rare. I'm the only one I know of, which is an uncomfortable feeling. One reason I didn't talk about it, is that I didn't think anyone would believe me. Also, most of the details are X-rated. My view is that AS is only one half of the equation. The other half is that he's Italian. So it was all sex, all the time. He practically chained me to his bed. It was quite the fantasy for me too! :D



Night_Shade917
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28 Apr 2012, 6:42 pm

TommyTomorrow: I now see the difference. A Special Interest in a person is indeed very different to being in love with someone and having that companionship with them. I now understand, thank you for explaining that to me.

WaityKatie: That sounds like it was a really hurtful experience :(. But I am glad you also replied and gave your views, so thank you for your story.



waitykatie
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28 Apr 2012, 7:00 pm

Night_Shade917 wrote:
That sounds like it was a really hurtful experience

Not at all! I was madly in love with him. I wanted a dominant guy. But I am aware that many women would NOT like his style. And to hear him tell it, a lot of them didn't. He carried around a lot of sadness and anger about that. He could be kind and sweet too, so the compassion came easily. Cooked and fed me breakfast every morning, drove me everywhere because he thought the city was filled with maniacs and he was afraid something would happen to me. It would not have been sustainable over a long period of time, but it was honestly the happiest seven weeks of my life.



Night_Shade917
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29 Apr 2012, 5:28 am

waitykatie wrote:
Night_Shade917 wrote:
That sounds like it was a really hurtful experience

Not at all! I was madly in love with him. I wanted a dominant guy. But I am aware that many women would NOT like his style. And to hear him tell it, a lot of them didn't. He carried around a lot of sadness and anger about that. He could be kind and sweet too, so the compassion came easily. Cooked and fed me breakfast every morning, drove me everywhere because he thought the city was filled with maniacs and he was afraid something would happen to me. It would not have been sustainable over a long period of time, but it was honestly the happiest seven weeks of my life.


Ah well at least it was a happy seven weeks then and at least he did nice things for you. :)